Monday, January 19, 2009

Year in Review {July}

Moving on in my year in review that has taken almost a month now and we're still on July! Oh boy! My favorite post from July is the where I had to find a purpose and focus for my blog and define it with a Blog Mission.

Although, I did truly enjoy my tribute posts for Faith and Karli's birthdays. And, you can read all about my first blog award here if you'd like. wink wink!

I was particularly touched by the Legacy post because it contains touches of things that I'm grateful for in my life now. I grasped a portion of it at the time of it's writing but now I'm really looking to enhance the relationships I have in my life and go deeper with those who are valuable to me. I am blessed to have friends in my life that share the same morals and values and we are available to each other for support, prayer, and celebrations. There are a few gals who I've known for what seems like forever. We've always been in touch but didn't really communicate on a personal level. I'm grateful to have connected with these girls and so glad that the Lord's hand is at work there. I'm glad they each have been patient with me and allowed the walls of my heart to come down slowly to let them in. You know who you are! Thanks so much for your unwavering love and support! Thanks for being part of my life while we figure out how to "do life together."

I realize after reading that post that the falling out I've had with a friend of mine began way back in July. I wish things weren't the way they are today but the ball is no longer in my court. All I can do is be loving and forgiving and available if ever she calls my name. That doesn't mean I'm desperate to rekindle an unhealthy friendship. It means I love and accept her for who she is. I've come to realize that we are two different people living two different lives. I've come to terms with that. I used to be quite the follower and this past year I began to make my own decisions about where I would go, who I'd go with, how I'd get there, and when I'd leave. I became an individual capable of making my own decisions. Saying yes to the things my conscience was clear to do and no to the things that didn't fit into my life. I wasn't saying no to her or anyone else around me. I was simply trying to be the best possible person, the best possible wife, mother, and friend. My life sets and example for my children and if I expect them to avoid certain things and behave a certain way then I had better being doing it right to start with. That is where the disconnect comes in. Although, I became an independent thinker and began to do what was best for me and my family it was not perceived that way. It has been perceived as judgement. All I can say is I'm a sinner. I'm no better than anyone else. If I tried to be judgemental of another human, I'm sure they'd first get beaten to death with the log in my own eye. I truly wish I could be seen for what I'm trying to be for my husband and family but it is what it is and I'm really okay with that.

I've been wracking my brain with this for too long. I said in a recent post that I no longer had room in my life for those whose opinions of me used to rule and I'm finally there. So while things with this friend may not be the same I'm blessed to have rekindled an old friendship, strengthened one with a lovely lady whose been there since Tyler was born, and discovered that one friend who I thought was merely an acquaintance means the world to me and has surprised me with her commitment to "having my back." That leaves me with two more. Both have been excellent listeners and helped me sort things out without betraying the trust of anyone else. I so admire them both for this. I had some things to work through with one of them and I'm grateful to have as much as I can in right standing.

The awkwardness that existed in July, August, September, and October now makes perfect sense. It seems like a big inside joke that everyone was in on except for me actually. So as much as a lot of it now makes sense for me. There is still a portion of it that doesn't. There were some pretty important events in the months of July-October, why was I there? What was it all for? If it was just going to end like this, what was it all for? I'm afraid, I may never know.

1 drops of sunshine:

Tabbie:) said...

I sure do love your blog and I think you are Right on your Mission in this bloggy world. You touch lives with your story!