Re-opened Wounds

We suddenly lost my husband's beautiful cousin Lana Stempien almost three years ago in a boating accident. She and her boyfriend Chuck Rutherford were traveling from her parent's summer home in Canada on Lake St. Clair to Mackinac Island. Lana checked in with her parent's the first night as she promised to do each night. Spoke to them again the next morning as well as her Aunt Pat around noon. That was August 11, 2005; no one saw or heard from her after that.

Her boat "Sea's Life" was discovered by the coast guard the following morning idling in neutral with the radio on. Lana and her boyfriend Chuck were not on board. It wasn't until thirteen days later that her remains were discovered near the Shoreline of Lake Huron in the brutally cold water. To this day Chuck's remains have not been found.

This week a couple walking along the shoreline of Lake Huron discovered male human remains and there is a 1:4 chance the remains belong to Chuck. Lana's family with the exception of her parent's have had time to heal and accept the fate of her short life. We all miss her terribly but have had time to heal. My wounds have been re-opened today. Not because I'm suddenly even more sad she is gone but because I know what a terrible time Lana's parents are already having day to day just trying to cope with the elephant on their chest. The news casts and newspaper articles have caused them to relive the the days she was missing and her death all over again. My heart is broken for them, for their suffering.

The day of Lana's funeral was the most difficult time I've ever endured. I have never in my life witnessed so much gut wrenching pain. I have never seen my husband in the condition I found him in that day when he and his cousins read together at her funeral. I have never in my life seen so many people so broken. I am grateful that the sharp grief has passed for us. I pray that the same healing soon come to be know by her parent's as well.

Lana was an attorney for the city of Detroit and her boyfriend owned his own law practice. They each were only in their thirties and had what seemed like their entire lives ahead of them. Lana was a vibrant, gorgeous, young-woman who captured the attention of everyone when she entered a room. She was outgoing, friendly, loyal, vivacious, and loving. Words can't possibly embody all that Lana was to everyone who knew her. Our family must tortuously wait for news as to whom the remains belong to. Rest in peace Lana. Jesus, send comfort, peace, and love to Tom and Carol Stempien now with this news and the approaching anniversary and Lana's birthday. May your presence and love be felt.

For more of the story and details regarding the disappearance of Charles Rutherford and death of Lana Stempien, click on the following links:

Dateline: What Lies Beneath

Remains Found May be Missing Attorney Since 2005

All twisted and knotted

My nerves are just a big ball of jumble today. I've only got a few days left and the inside of my home is no further along than it was on Thursday or Friday! I'm just completely overwhelmed at this point because there are days of things today and um, I still have a very busy life to attend to outside of packing our things. Where is help when you need it!?! My mother-in-law does have my twin girls today so that is a huge help and blessing. My garage is pretty much empty with the exception of a few things that need to go into storage and the backyard is empty as well. That actually is a pretty huge accomplishment. I'm not really sure how people do this in one weekend.

Well, I guess I can't really hide behind this thing forever so I better get busy. This is what's on my "to do" list this week.

-lots & lots of laundry
-finish packing up the furnace room, tools, decorations, etc.
-my husband needs to finish his paperwork stuff downstairs
-pack up the bar area and glasses and such
-pack up mine and the kids books
-pack up and move Mallory and Hailey's toys
-clean my ever so disgusting living room!
-wash and pack the last of our linens
-pack up my kitchen (not one thing has been packed in there yet)

Before I overwhelm myself any further I'm just gonna go get started in the basement.

Taking a break from the countdown...

With only 11 days left in our home the last thing I should be doing is cleaning. I should be filling boxes and emptying cupboards.

The packing is well under way with our upstairs, where our bedrooms and main bath are, being completely packed with the exception of our beds, clothes, and a few pair of shoes. But, our downstairs is still a nightmare. We've gotten a storage unit and have begun to move a few things out.

I started in my kitchen this morning but instead of filling boxes I've been cleaning like I've never cleaned before in the four years we've lived here. It's more of the same that I've done to the other rooms I've already "completed." Down to scrubbing walls, patching holes, and even vacuuming the crumbs from the cracks of the hardwood floor! I'd love to say it's the Girl Scout in me "always leave a place better than how you found it." Or that I'm preparing the home for the family that will occupy it next. The truth is, I'm certain it's my feeble attempt to wash away my mistakes. I had to pause for a second and catch my breath because that is a painful thing to admit. I've made big mistakes that have affected my entire family and our entire future. But, I know my God is faithful and he will restore it all.

It does feel good though, knowing the house will be in the best possible shape for whomever moves in. There is also a lot self-gratification involved in cleaning, for me anyway (an illness I know).

On the flip-side to all of it, there are a few doors that have begun to crack open. My husband works for General Motors and we live smack dab in the middle of "Motor City." My husband started at GM as a contract employee and when he came home and told me he'd been offered a salary position, the sky parted, angels sang, and I saw Jesus himself. So I was more than disappointed and outraged when three months later my husband began to plot his plan to leave GM! Who does that! People don't leave GM! "As soon as I'm finished with my degree," he'd say. Well it's been close to 10 years and he's down to his final few classes and planned to start looking for open positions with other companies soon.

Open door #1: My husband has been offered a buy-out from GM. If he doesn't take it, he won't be penalized or laid off. He has 45 days to decide and if he does take it and begin a new position right away with another company we're looking dead in the face of the miracle we have prayed for! It's right there, I can almost touch it.

We've also chatted for a number of years about leaving the state so we are looking into a few different states. As painful as this process with our home has been, it has been our prayer that God be in control and his will be done in our lives. That Jesus open the necessary doors and provide the necessary funds for us to carry out his will. I don't find it a coincidence that my husband is offered a buy-out months shy of completing his degree at the same time that we are no longer tied to a home. We aren't all the way there yet. We still have many prayers ahead of us and a few more doors that have not yet been opened.

A few months ago an elder at church told my husband and I that he felt we had a calling on our lives for a "mission." I have kept this in the back of my mind since then and while watching Extreme Home Makeover on Sunday it hit my like a ton of bricks. I have felt a tug to New Orleans since the hurricanes and while browsing the job bank of the company my husband is looking to relocate to I noticed Louisiana on the list. I wasn't sure at the time but I specifically checked to see if jobs were available in Louisiana. That TV show on Sunday was like confirmation for me. I don't know what God has in mind for us or how he wants to use us but I do feel led to pray about relocating to Louisiana to help re-build. I can't think of a better place to start over with so many people who have been forced to do the same; to re-build what they lost. I can't think of a better place for my children to learn and grow and earn a sense of community but from a "mission" like this one. I can't say for sure but I at least know that is how I feel led to pray.

I braced myself when I told my husband; I thought for sure he'd scream, yell, and insist I was out of my mind. But, he agreed to pray with me about it. We are both in a position more so than ever before where we are surrendered. We will follow where the Lord leads us. I know our lives are a living testimony and God wants to use us in a big way and I can't help but feel like this place we are in now is the beginning. Not the beginning of our story, but the beginning of when he can finally trust us and use us. Joy exudes from every poor, so much that I cannot contain. I am eager to know where he has called us and even more eager to go. I surrender.

Mother's Day

May 11, 1995 is the day my son was born, a Thursday. I don't have to look it up. I'll just always remember it was Thursday. He is our first born. We weren't yet married. I was only seventeen, hadn't yet graduated high school, and my now husband was only nineteen. Tyler was born in May, I graduated high school with honors in June, and we were married in August. May 11th wasn't Mother's Day that year but I'm certain it was no coincidence that the day my son turned thirteen, his birthday would fall on Mother's day.

Saturday night I cried as I wrote to him in his new "Teenage" bible we had purchased for his birthday. Sunday morning, I cried as he opened it. This day was so many things to me. I cried not because my baby is thirteen. Well, sort of because my baby is thirteen. But more because of the fact that he has left childhood. He is no longer a boy. He is now on an incredible journey to finding himself. He is about to enter the most difficult years of his life. He is about to discover who this God is that we have taught him about and determine if God is "his" God or just his parent's God. I also cried because I am so incredibly grateful for the presence God has always had in our lives. For his grace and mercy, for his faithfulness, for the place we are today. Especially compared to where we started. We may have started backward, but our life is a living testimony to what God can do if you put him first.

My husband and I are coming up on our thirteenth wedding anniversary! We are both even more in love now then ever before. As we each grow closer to the Lord the level of love and joy in our lives increases exponentially. We have been blessed with five healthy, happy, beautiful children who also love the Lord so much. I am blessed with every smile, giggle, hug, bruise, scrape, and even the arguments and spatters. I am blessed each time they show love and affection toward each other. Tyler recently had his front teeth collide with a boy's head at one of Faith's softball games. She told me after the game, she wanted to cry because she was concerned for him. When it really counts, when they are tested, they come together. That is a bond that God's love has helped us to form in our home.

Another even more important aspect of Mother's Day that I appreciated this year is the way my relationship with my mom has blossomed. When I was growing up my older cousin lived with us much of the time and she was the one I confided in. After I was married, my relationship with my mother-in-law developed which became another barrier between my own mom and I. My mother-in-law became my friend. But through circumstances I learned that certain people in your life need to stay within certain parameters. So in recent months I began to avoid the advice and help of both my mom and mother-in-law and make my own decisions and stand on my own two feet. I found strength in myself. More importantly, it has allowed me to require a need to rely on Jesus. Because I take my circumstances to Him and depend on Him to bring about change and seek his advice I was able to take that expectation off of my mother and mother-in-law and also prevent unsolicited advice. Well, for the most part. I am now able to focus my attention to those relationships differently. I accept that my mom did the best she could in raising me and did all that she knew to do. Are there things I would have done differently? Sure. But, I am who I am because of the way I was raised. God didn't make a mistake, he ordained her to be my mother. Now, she is not only my mother but she is my friend. That is something I searched for most of my life. We have a connection and bond that we've never had before. We have so much fun together and laugh so much. It is a true joy to spend time with her and my father both. I am blessed! I am so very blessed!

Philippians 3:16 But we must hold onto the progress we have already made.

I'm not across the finish line yet and won't be before the day I go home to Jesus. This is a life long race. There are goals along the way. In the mean time we must look back at where God has brought us from.

I am only as close to God as I choose to be...*GULP*

I must desire friendship with God more than anything. We all have problems in our lives. Your problems are not punishment; they are wake-up calls from a loving God. God's way of arousing us from spiritual lethargy. Our problems cause pain. Pain is God's metaphor. Pain is fuel of passion. Because pain causes to us refuse to except things the way they are and find change.
Taken from The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

In my reading this morning I definitely got the idea that I am not being punished for my mistakes. God will use my circumstances for good. God allows things in our life based on what's best for us. God wants me to rely on him for strength and to depend on my husband to bring about change (pray in agreement).

The process of losing my home is a result of poor financial planning; mistakes we made. This has of course caused a lot of stress and pain. Could the Lord have rescued us? Sure. Remember it isn't a matter of can he but is it his will for us. The Lord allows things to happen in our lives that reflect the best interests for us. He uses every circumstance for good. Could the Lord arranged things to prevent an approval for this home to begin with? Sure. But, the point is God knew how it would turn out and where he would be able to take us in spiritual maturity if he allowed this in our lives. So even though I have experienced pain through this trial, does that mean I am being punished? No. I wasn't always so convinced though. I thought I would have to pay for my mistakes. Not so. There are consequences that have been paid. Where we go from here is up to us. We can decide to toil and work and worry to fix this or we can give it all to Jesus and let him use this situation for his glory and to stretch us. We have surrendered this situation to Jesus completely and are relying on him for open doors, miracles, and restoration.

The focus at church has been on miracles for the last several weeks and the power in the name of Jesus. There are several areas in my life where God has been working: surrendering, submission, loving others, finding joy, praying in agreement with my husband, and expectation/faith. Here are scriptures I came across in my reading this morning alone that only confirm all that Jesus is trying to get through to me.

Matthew 18:19 NLT "I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them."

Praying in agreement. My husband and I were at a marriage conference recently also where Ephram prophesied over us. He explained that when we pray in agreement, mountains will be moved. My husband and I recently prayed for a specific miracle and we are already beginning to see doors open for that miracle to happen. We can almost touch it!

Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trust in him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.

Surrender, why not? I have nothing to fear and when I put my trust in him my worries will be replaced with joy. The joy of the Lord is my strength. But, where does joy come from? From trusting in him! Surrendering. When we surrender, our toils and worries are replaced with joy!

John 8:12 NLT
Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, "I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life."

The darkness here means so many things. You won't walk in the darkness of the world, the ugly, the sin, etc. For me at this point in time, the darkness means, I won't be wandering the world aimlessly, he will direct my life. If I follow him, surrender, I will know what to do. He will shed light on the right doors that lead to the future he has for me.

John 15:9-17
"I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father's commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn't confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. You didn't choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name."

So many things that God has been trying to say to me are summed up in those verses. I used to find myself wondering how God directs us, how he speaks to us, how do we hear him? Well let me tell you! Read his word! I can't explain it but you read it and it settles well with you, you find peace and you know exactly what God is trying to say to you.

This blog is literally my journal, my prayer life online, my conversations with God. It all makes perfect sense to me. I pray that the Holy Spirit supernaturally intervene to bring revelation into your hearts, that he speak to you through my journey, and you receive.

I'm way too complicated for that

I've been avoiding my own blog! I was tagged for a meme by Kelly and I'm supposed to summarize myself in six words! I'm way too complicated for that! Yeah! I knew it'd happen that way; I just found my six words! Whoo hoo! When I began this post I only intended to tell you I was stumped and couldn't come up with six words and would return later to write my memoir, but instead, I found them.

Here are the rules for the meme.

1. Write the title to your own memoir using 6 words.
1. Post it on your blog.
1. Link to the person that tagged you.
1. Tag five more blogs.

I am so many things to so many people, there are so many facets to my personality, and there are so many gifts, talents, and hobbies I want to explore.

I am a child of God, wife, mommy, daughter, sister, friend, cousin, aunt, woman, girl scout leader, and even role model. I have a lot of people depending on me.

I am shy and introverted but on the inside I am joyous, boisterous, and happy. I am mature and set a good example for my children but at heart I'm a wild child. I am happy-go-lucky, spunky, moody, down-to-earth, friendly, caring, loyal, compassionate, very serious, and that is just the tip of it.

I love spending time alone in God's presence, I love praise and worship, I love photography, I love writing, I love scrapbooking, decorating, fashion, new clothes, I love music, sewing, dinner parties, shoes, purses, new clothes, shoes, purses, (he he) and so many things; I wish I could function 24 hours per day to enjoy.

But, what I've noticed most about myself lately, I'm changing. I am more serious than ever and more diligent than ever about my walk with God. About ensuring I get time alone with Him every day. I'm serious about having constant conversation in addition to my prayer time. I'm serious about "walking with a big grin, singing with my eyes closed, lifting up my hands." One of my favorite songs by MercyMe (I Worship You).

As a result of my diligence some things are beginning to fall off and get replaced with joy. I had the best Saturday this weekend. Not much in the way of excitement but I was just so full of joy. My husband and I had wrestling matches and tickle contests. I bought skittles for my girls. I was genuinely joyful. I am most excited about the direction my life will be taking next. I am excited about burning off the serious when it isn't necessary and walking in joy!

The Lord has been working on me in the way of finances and the loss of our home through the toilet seat, scripture, worship music, and messages at church and it all clicked into place on Mother's day. I get it! God really knew I'd be here and he has a plan for my future! I don't cry when I pack up boxes anymore. I'm so excited for the next set of open doors he has for us. I quit crying a few weeks ago because I laid it at the cross. He removed my anxiety but the joy didn't come until this Sunday because it all clicked. The joy to move, the joy for what is up ahead, the joy for all that he is, has done for us, and the ways he will continue to provide. As much as I'd love to say "I'm completely surrendered" I'm sure there are areas where I'm not, but I am so much closer than I ever have been before. Only God can do that! I'm a living miracle of what he can do in a person's life, to a person's heart.

So while I still haven't discovered all of who I am, I'm at least aware of the obvious. I'm complicated. That is exactly how He created me!

Now I tag...

Erica
Angie
Wendi
Brooke
Pioneer Woman

Stickers baby! Stickers!

I'm happy this morning about a couple of things. I'm happy I discovered stickers! Actually, they've been around the house just sitting in a junk drawer for months, left over from some Girl Scout project.

I have had a tough time getting my twin toddlers to a. eat and b. stay seated for a meal. Dr. James Dobson described it this week as "a little wiggle God put in there." Well, it's frustrating! The usual routine consists of stand up, sit down, move to the knees, potty break, stay on the chair but lay on my belly, etc. So this morning I experienced an absolute miracle. My twin girls both sat nicely at the table and ate a bowl of cereal, without getting up. About half-way through their bowls I noticed and said "very nice job girls, I'm so happy you are sitting at the table and eating your breakfast." They were already so proud of themselves. So after they gobbled up all their cereal, another miracle, I quickly adorned them each with a small sticker. I swear light shown down from heaven and I could hear the choir sing! You know that loud opera AAAAAAAAAAAA! It was awesome.

Soon I could see their little brains working and trying to figure out how they could get another sticker. Before long they each asked for a snack. Wouldn't you know it, they both sat perfectly at the table with their applesauce. Of course they were given yet another sticker.

So now the chatter around the house sounds something like this, "we're going to be goooood listeners today mommy" and "we're not going to make a big mess today mommy."

Like I said, stickers baby! Stickers!

Secondly, I'm encouraged by some reading I did this morning. Many know this story in John chapter 6 where God supernaturally fed a multitude of 5,000+ when he had only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish to start with. I'm thinking, if God can feed that many people supernaturally and he is the same yesterday, today, and forever then he can certainly supernaturally multiply my finances!