Here they are!

As promised, here are a few from my first wedding. I have two blogs I'm currently maintaining, a personal blog and spiritual blog. It is my intent in the near future to combine my personal and spiritual blogs into one here at FindingMyPlaceInThisWorld and redo my second blog for my PhotoBlog where I'll be doing giveaways and discounts to work on building my portfolio and ultimately a business. I will be copying some of my original posts into the PhotoBlog so I can personally track my progress as I go. I'll post a link once I've got it up and running.

Feel free to let me know what you think. Of course saying nice things are always great to hear but it's the honest criticism that often produces growth so I welcome both; please be nice.

Mommy Blues

Mommy blues for all the good things my blessings are into these days. I left my son at school this morning while he waited to get on a bus to go to Camp Tamarak for a few days with the seventh grade class. I'm mad at my husband for making me do such things! He left this morning and will be back by Friday afternoon but it's still tough for some reason. This is probably his fourth overnight trip away from home but this one didn't prove any easier than the first.

Tyler's first trip away from home was for a full five days this past summer to youth camp in Hillsdale, MI. I swore I'd be fine and wouldn't cry! I think I was just trying to talk myself into it. It was awkward for both of us; me for wanting to keep my little boy at home but knowing he isn't my little boy and I have to allow him these freedoms. Him for wanting this freedom but secretly feeling boyish and nervous about his adventure. We kissed and hugged good-bye and I quickly jumped into my car to avoid the tears. “If I get the heck outta here I'll be fine!” But, to my surprise my Karli was in the car crying hysterically about how much she'd miss him and she didn't want him to go. It was one of the sweetest moments ever with my children and of course I lost it! It takes me about a 1/2 hour to get home from church and I cried the whole way. So the tears did come today but only a welling, they never hit my cheek. Tyler will be thirteen in May and this trip to camp only further confirms his transformation from a boy to a teen.

Also happening this week is our annual Polish dance recital. My husband is 50% polish; he and his sister grew up polish dancing from age three until they graduated high school. Our oldest three all started at age three and have danced every year with the exception of the year we took off due to the birth of our twins. Karli is celebrating a milestone this year; 5 years! Mallory and Hailey are dancing in their first recital on "the big stage" this Saturday. I've not made it through one recital yet without crying. My pride for them just exudes and I can't contain it. This year has already proven to be no exception because I've been crying about it for weeks!

I'm not quite finished with all the details yet but I have all the pieces for my two oldest children ready and pressed and labeled with their names. Only sixty more pieces to go! I have a few finishing details to finish before I can finish pressing the rest but I'm almost there. For the girls they each own their own traditional costume which consists of bloomers, a slip, a blouse, a flower printed skirt, apron, floral headpiece, and a heavily beaded and sequined vest with ribbons on it. The vest by far is the most beautiful and most expensive piece. I was luck to find a couple of used ones when Faith and Karli started and they've been wearing them since. I wasn't as fortunate with Mallory and Hailey (our twins) so I bought two new vests for Faith and Karli and passed their vests down to Mallory and Hailey. Well Mallory and Hailey are in the first group with all new dancers with all new sparkly, shiny, vests. So I took on the task of re-doing their vests myself. I spent $40 on beads, sequins, and rick rack for both vests, opposed to $75 for each new vest. I've put the final touches on Hailey's vest and I'm so thrilled and proud of it! I thought I could complete them both but I've been working on them for months and so far Mallory has only had her rick rack replaced (poor Mallory).

Baseball, softball, and track, oh my! This will prove to be quite the busy season for us. Thank goodness recital is this weekend because we've got a lot more going on this season. Tyler is playing baseball again and was drafted on the league championship team this year. Tyler's team last year was number one in the finals but didn't get the championship, close but no cigar so this year we're hoping to go all the way! Actually, I could really care less. It is fun to win and cheer for a winning team but the family time and memories at the games far exceeds whether he wins or loses. Tyler is also running track for school this year. Out of the four events he'll be participating in, he was chosen to run on the varsity team for three of them! He's a quick little bugar!

Our Faithy is taking a "swing" at softball this year. After watching Tyler participate on a winning team full of rough, tough, and quick guys it's been painful to watch Faith's practices. They play like a bunch of girls! Okay yes they are girls. We'll see what this season holds for her. Karli is patiently awaiting her turn to take a gymnastics class.

I had the opportunity to shadow a colleague and shoot my first wedding this weekend. I'll get a couple shots up on the blog as soon as possible!

Faith's brand new, hand-made vest from Poland.

Hailey's vest that I hand-beaded myself. Looks pretty authentic!

My five little darlings in their Polish garb. Tyler in his regional costume for this year (nice hat!), Faith in green and Karli in pink (their regional costumes for this year), and Mallory and Hailey in their Krakowski costumes. Photo by LifeTouch.

Can the name of Jesus fix a furnace?

I'm gonna have to go with "yes."

My husband and I are trying to make a go of getting up earlier than we already do to walk a couple of miles together in the dark, peaceful morning before he's off for work for the day. I keep reminding him that if I don't get enough sleep "at the end of the day I start to feel anxious, overwhelmed, and cry at just about anything." "You don't need eight hours of sleep, you just think you do" he says. Well I'm not sure if I speak it into existence or if I just know myself really well. But last night I started hand sewing some things that have piled up and wanted to finish it so I didn't have to come back to it today (I dislike unfinished projects). That kept me up until 12:30 a.m. I was so tired when I went up to my room last night my mind was playing tricks on me and I swear I was hearing things. My heart began to race and I started to panic but I calmly told myself God did not give me a spirit of fear but of sound mind and no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I started to relax but continued talking to myself and finally settled on the idea that if a stranger were to appear in my home I'd just rebuke him/her in the name of Jesus and command them to leave. I imagined they'd run and probably rebuke me in return. That managed to settle me enough to get to sleep. Although now it sounds pretty funny and I'm laughing out loud at myself which reminds me of two funny things about my son that I'll share below.

I got up about 6:30 a.m. to a furnace that quit working...again. I'm not worried though it's been warming up to 60+ degrees and we can handle the evenings if we have an evening fire and bundle appropriately before bed. I did call and let my dad know what was going on because my hubby worked all day and goes right from work to school until at least 9:00 p.m. My dad offered to come over and mess with it. So now I'm hopeful we'll get the thing to work and it's going down to 47 degrees tonight and I've got toddlers so it would be great to have heat this evening. We thought we got it working, but when we checked it again before my dad left it wasn't working. Ugh! So I'm now completely defeated at this point because I ran errands most of the day today and transported children from here to high heaven, made dinner which my husband typically does and haven't had my husband to talk to in the last few hours because he's in class. I dragged my sorry butt to the top of the stairs one final time to mess with the thermostat and realized (ding, ding, ding) I don't have to be defeated! So I stood over the furnace below and angry pointed at the thing and commanded that it work immediately in the name of Jesus! I turned up the thermostat and a few moments later my dad was up to tell me it was working! I can still hear it humming now. So lovely!

A bit of good news, Mallory managed to stay dressed in what I put on her this morning all day and only took off her shoes once. We were in and out all day and my two least favorite, okay three least favorite things to do are put sneakers on toddlers, buckle seat belts, and tell Hailey to put her clothes back on for the 50th time in one day! She doesn't run around naked or anything but she wants to wear everything except what I've chosen for that day. Even if she chooses her outfit she still wants something different! Yes mother! I know where she gets it from. Oy!

I'm not sure this will sound as funny on my blog as it was when it happened but our son came into the front room last night after his shower and threw his hands in my husbands face (up his nose practically) and said "smell my finger." I'm over tired and slap-happy folding towels in my laundry room as I overhear my husband now in total awe at the prospect that someone would insist he smell their finger. My eyes watered and ran down my face from laughing so hysterically as I listen to them banter about the situation. My husband gets this bright idea that he'll smell it if I smell it first! What! Okay this isn't funny anymore! But I pretend I don't hear this light bulb click in his mind as he begins to call me from the other room. I was still laughing (quietly) so hard that I couldn't talk or answer him so when I did it was a dead give-a-way that I was falling apart in the laundry room by myself over this "smell my finger" drama. So the two of them had a quick kick while they watched my laugh hysterically at the two of them. Turns out Tyler took a shower using some new "manly" shower gel that he must have enjoyed and just wanted to share the fragrance with his dad.

While attempting to go through an intersection I heard sirens and slowed to see which direction it was coming from. The fire engine was going to need to cross through the same section I was going to cross so I and the other traffic stopped. As the truck got closer and the siren louder it reminded Tyler of something he learned in Science class. Our car full got a not-so-quick lesson in the "Doppler Effect." I just smiled as he eloquently explained what it was and how it works. How many kids do you know that repeat what they've learned in science? I'm a proud mamma!

Hubby's home, furnace is working, kids are sleeping, peach tea is ready, and those Morely Candy pecan turtles are calling my name!

A few of my favorite things...

- bubble baths
- going for walks
- early mornings when Mallory, Hailey and the dog climb into bed with us
- God's presence
- chai tea & mochas
- ice cream
- the smell of skunks
- reading (I love books)
- blogging and writing
- a newly cleaned home
- that feeling you get when the laundry is done (oh wait that never happens!)
- photography
- uplifting others
- family dinner games
- mexican dominos
- singing & dancing
- watching movies on my couch with Todd
- laying in his lap while he combs through my hair with his fingers
- listening to my children pray
- watching them raise their hands at church with eyes closed during praise & worship
- missing them while their at camp
- seeing the fresh sparkle in their eye when they return
- watching Hailey smell her “blanky” & Mallory suck her thumb
- camping trips
- sitting at the beach all day
- wrestling with Tyler
- dinner with friends
- hearing Faith sing worship songs out of the blue
- being with my parents
- long chats with my dad
- scrapbooking
- sewing
- decorating or rather the planning of decorating
- organizing (it's an illness)
- blog walking
- listening to Mallory practice her recital song, she’s 4 and sings the first part of the verse
then goes into “step together, step together, shuffle step, shuffle step; it’s fantastic!
- reality TV
- watching my children dance and play sports
- boating
- connecting with Kevin
- being alone with God in the morning.

Alongside the road to purpose...

I have a MySpace account and one of the organizations on my list is (TWLOHA) To Write Love on Her Arms, (http://www.twloha.com/index.php) which is an awareness organization for depression, cutting, and suicide that is sponsored by musicians. It sounds dark and morbid but that organization and books like Why I Jumped always catch my attention because I’ve spent a portion of my life in a place like that. I experienced post-partum depression for nearly two years after my third child was born. Not my finest hour nor was I walking with Jesus at that time but I did eventually get back to church and Jesus and come out of it. When we decided to try for a fourth child I was concerned the depression would return but not enough to keep me from having another child; until I learned we were having twins. I was consumed with fear and panic for some time before our twins were born. I didn’t want to go back to that place.

A person suffering from anxiety and depression hates themselves and despises their loved ones including their children. It is a very crippling thing to experience a yearning and desire to be apart from your children and family instead of bonded to them. I didn’t want to be a mother, I didn’t want my children. It’s a vicious cycle of self-hate, isolation, sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, and falling in the deepest of deeps. It’s a depth where there is no light, no hope, and the overwhelming feeling of it lasting forever.

I was free from it for several years but began to wonder back into that place not so long ago and fortunately recognized the signs before I got to deep. I once experienced a time in my life when I honestly thought my husband and children would be better off. That I was so worthless a person that I would do more harm in raising them than them having a life in my absence. I feared my parenting and presence in their lives would ruin them all.

In the process of having my relationship with Jesus restored and rediscovering who I am in Him I can freely say and truly feel just how much my children need me. My purpose in life first and foremost, the thing I was created to do is serve my God and follow his one and only commandment in the New Testament, LOVE. My second purpose is to my family, uplifting my husband and meeting his needs and putting those needs before my own (still very much a work in progress) and ministering to my children. It is my duty and promise to God to raise them in the way of the Lord. To raise them to become good, honest, successful, God-serving adults who make positive contributions to society and the world. God didn’t make any mistakes, I was designed with specific qualities to be Todd’s wife and my children’s mother and they were each designed for me.

I have many paths before me and I’m still uncertain and to exactly which path I’ll be called to follow, but I have more hope in my life than ever before. My trust is in Him. I know he will meet and exceed our needs and continue to pour his blessings upon us. I’m most excited about having my mistakes, life, and circumstances used for the glory of God to help others.

Photography is a huge hobby of mine, one I hope will serve profitable in the future. As I sharpen my skills and learn as much as I possibly can I will be preparing for a time when I can volunteer for NILMDTS.org (http://nowilaymedowntosleep.org); a wonderful organization in which photographers volunteer their time and talent to families who have lost a child. They provide in most cases the only photographs of their precious child which they will have to cherish forever. This has proven to provide so much in the way of healing for these families. I’m certain God will use that open door to minister his love to those families through me when the time comes that I am able to volunteer my time. I’m very excited for when that time comes!

So I continue to listen for God’s still small voice and direction in my life but was moved to share my revelation in just how much my family means to me. The idea of not raising my children and being there for every milestone is an unimaginable and unbearable prospect. I’m grateful to God and my wonderful husband for pulling me from that funk and saving me, saving us.

For anyone who might ever come across this with the idea that their loved ones would be better off without you; you are very mistaken! God loves you! There are people on this earth that rely upon you, adore you and would be brought so much pain if they lost you. Nothing is too big for God. Nothing is ever too hopeless. Cry out to Jesus, try it, test him; what have you got to lose? I’m certain he’ll answer the call. He created this universe, the earth and all that is in it. He wants to heal your pain and wipe away your tears; he has counted every one. Sometimes we experience things because life happens to us and other times we experience them because of mistakes we’ve made; either way God is not a respecter of persons and only wants to remove our suffering and restore us to Him. Jesus lived a perfect life free of sin and was slain upon the cross to bear our sin and sickness so that we may be forgiven and healed. It’s ours for the taking, all we have to do is accept Him.

I’m not certain why it is that I feel led to write this particular blog, it certainly isn’t the easiest thing to admit about myself. If it be for one person today or 365 days from today and it helps just that one person then so be it.

On a lighter note...Welcome Spring!

My new Nikon arrived last week and I've had some time to play with it's features and become pretty confident using it. I took a ton of photos this weekend; here are a few of my favorites...

Friendship...

You know those corny e-mails about friendship we always get (you all get them too) and friendship quotes that fly around? Friends are God's way of apologizing for family, ya da-ya da. Well next time you get one, take the time to read it through entirely and think about the people you have in your life that depend on you and that you depend on. God does bring people into our lives, maybe only for a season, sometimes a lifetime, but it's no accident. God uses people to speak to us and help fill our needs. To talk us through rough times, to say "I understand." So yeah this may be one of those corny blogs but my life is filled with precious friends and family that I depend on and I hope they all know they can depend on me...

My husband and I are going through a rough circumstance in our lives at this time; brought on by our own decisions and actions but still bumpy none the less. While I have great friends to start with, I've recently made one or two new ones that are just blossoming but are equally as important to me and I love them just as much. I know God brought them into my life for a purpose and I'm grateful for his divine intervention. I'm one who tends to hold things in during the process of a trial and share my experience after it's all over. This time, I needed someone to turn to in the midst of the trial instead of riding it out and he brought a friend to me. One who I know is definitely not judging me or the situation because she has been there too. We can endure it together and each come out stronger on the other side and hopefully share our experience with others and keep them from having to endure the same.

So take a minute and let those who are important to you know what they mean to you, even if it means just forwarding on a corny e-mail.

To my friends and family who forward those corny e-mails and never get them back (because I don't forward them). I love and appreciate you!