Alongside the road to purpose...

I have a MySpace account and one of the organizations on my list is (TWLOHA) To Write Love on Her Arms, (http://www.twloha.com/index.php) which is an awareness organization for depression, cutting, and suicide that is sponsored by musicians. It sounds dark and morbid but that organization and books like Why I Jumped always catch my attention because I’ve spent a portion of my life in a place like that. I experienced post-partum depression for nearly two years after my third child was born. Not my finest hour nor was I walking with Jesus at that time but I did eventually get back to church and Jesus and come out of it. When we decided to try for a fourth child I was concerned the depression would return but not enough to keep me from having another child; until I learned we were having twins. I was consumed with fear and panic for some time before our twins were born. I didn’t want to go back to that place.

A person suffering from anxiety and depression hates themselves and despises their loved ones including their children. It is a very crippling thing to experience a yearning and desire to be apart from your children and family instead of bonded to them. I didn’t want to be a mother, I didn’t want my children. It’s a vicious cycle of self-hate, isolation, sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, and falling in the deepest of deeps. It’s a depth where there is no light, no hope, and the overwhelming feeling of it lasting forever.

I was free from it for several years but began to wonder back into that place not so long ago and fortunately recognized the signs before I got to deep. I once experienced a time in my life when I honestly thought my husband and children would be better off. That I was so worthless a person that I would do more harm in raising them than them having a life in my absence. I feared my parenting and presence in their lives would ruin them all.

In the process of having my relationship with Jesus restored and rediscovering who I am in Him I can freely say and truly feel just how much my children need me. My purpose in life first and foremost, the thing I was created to do is serve my God and follow his one and only commandment in the New Testament, LOVE. My second purpose is to my family, uplifting my husband and meeting his needs and putting those needs before my own (still very much a work in progress) and ministering to my children. It is my duty and promise to God to raise them in the way of the Lord. To raise them to become good, honest, successful, God-serving adults who make positive contributions to society and the world. God didn’t make any mistakes, I was designed with specific qualities to be Todd’s wife and my children’s mother and they were each designed for me.

I have many paths before me and I’m still uncertain and to exactly which path I’ll be called to follow, but I have more hope in my life than ever before. My trust is in Him. I know he will meet and exceed our needs and continue to pour his blessings upon us. I’m most excited about having my mistakes, life, and circumstances used for the glory of God to help others.

Photography is a huge hobby of mine, one I hope will serve profitable in the future. As I sharpen my skills and learn as much as I possibly can I will be preparing for a time when I can volunteer for NILMDTS.org (http://nowilaymedowntosleep.org); a wonderful organization in which photographers volunteer their time and talent to families who have lost a child. They provide in most cases the only photographs of their precious child which they will have to cherish forever. This has proven to provide so much in the way of healing for these families. I’m certain God will use that open door to minister his love to those families through me when the time comes that I am able to volunteer my time. I’m very excited for when that time comes!

So I continue to listen for God’s still small voice and direction in my life but was moved to share my revelation in just how much my family means to me. The idea of not raising my children and being there for every milestone is an unimaginable and unbearable prospect. I’m grateful to God and my wonderful husband for pulling me from that funk and saving me, saving us.

For anyone who might ever come across this with the idea that their loved ones would be better off without you; you are very mistaken! God loves you! There are people on this earth that rely upon you, adore you and would be brought so much pain if they lost you. Nothing is too big for God. Nothing is ever too hopeless. Cry out to Jesus, try it, test him; what have you got to lose? I’m certain he’ll answer the call. He created this universe, the earth and all that is in it. He wants to heal your pain and wipe away your tears; he has counted every one. Sometimes we experience things because life happens to us and other times we experience them because of mistakes we’ve made; either way God is not a respecter of persons and only wants to remove our suffering and restore us to Him. Jesus lived a perfect life free of sin and was slain upon the cross to bear our sin and sickness so that we may be forgiven and healed. It’s ours for the taking, all we have to do is accept Him.

I’m not certain why it is that I feel led to write this particular blog, it certainly isn’t the easiest thing to admit about myself. If it be for one person today or 365 days from today and it helps just that one person then so be it.

On a lighter note...Welcome Spring!