Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Bring The Rain Part I

Today, what I really wanted to do is blast those who have offended me. But, then I open my bible, flip back to Hebrews and find Hebrews 12:14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. And, Hebrews 12:1 which says Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. And slowly, while my mind is still screaming and gripping to anger, the notion of forgiveness starts to seep in. How can I not forgive when I have so freely been forgiven?

And in a way that is now true to God's form with me, he uses circumstances from my own life to demonstrate. So this time, he has recalled to mind a time, well it was Sunday actually, when I behaved like a belligerent idiot (toward my husband). Then he reminds me how the person (Todd) I offended handled it. Then, I repent for both the time I acted like the belligerent idiot (which is the situation where I was needing forgiveness) and for the unforgivenness I've now been harboring for days (which is the situation where I'm supposed to be the forgiver, but not toward Todd, he's great). Following me? In one case, I'm really upset with someone for something they did. In another case, Todd should have been really upset with me for how I treated him. I'm the one needing the forgiveness that I do ultimately receive. This is the part where my husband would typically request I say the following, "My husband is so smart and I should just listen to him." I'm still rolling my eyes though, just like I would if he were here.

Hubby and I had an argument, I lost control, completely. Ridiculously. He gave me space, let me cool off, which is Todd's code for praying that I get a revelation of how wrong I am. Well, the revelation never came so we tried talking it out instead. This went okay, some minor areas of frustration came up and things were almost resolved until, I refused to cave. So we're both back to angry again which is only my attempt to keep him at bay because really, how long can the guy really tolerate me for before he quits on me? Not logical, but it's where my mind goes when things start to get a bit shaky. But, instead of staying angry and providing the hoped for silent treatment, he climbs into bed with me and wraps me in his arms. He tells me "I don't know what else to do but love you." Yes, your hearts can all melt now. I know mine did! Do you know the kind of selflessness and self sacrifice and level of forgiveness that requires? I do, only I've proven to be too stubborn to go there. He loved me, he forgave me, all things are good. Except, that when he gets home tonight, I need to apologize because I never did. Gee, I must sound real appealing by now. You do really get the good, the bad, and the ugly when you visit me here.

So anyway, as the two separate instances begin to play back in my mind, I come upon James. James 1:2-4 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

2 drops of sunshine:

Tabbie:) said...

This post is so refreshingly honest. I love that you are transparent. I know I keep saying that to you. But let me say it again and encourage you that it truly helps.

From this post I now I am not the only Christian Woman who feels these things and is incredibly stubborn.

Hind sight is 20/20. Oh how I would love to work on my foresight.

I think we could be kindred spirits.

Refreshing I tell ya.

PS - I am proud of you and all the things you are seeing and doing and sharing.

Elizabeth said...

what a great post. truly insightful and Godly. I'm glad your husband is so wonderful to you, also...his words spoke to me. :-)

Thanks for sharing your heart.