Find Me

Where are you?
I no longer feel you near.
No longer sense your presence.
Your peace.
Find me.

My eyes are blinded by the darkness.
Anxiety
Stress
Frustration
Find me.

I hear only the sound of my own heart beat.
And the whimper that escapes with my tears.
Find me.

Do you still count them?
Do you catch every one?
Find me.

Find me.
Where ever I am.
I know you cannot be far.
Find me.

I long for the warmth of your love.
The safety that comes with it.
I've gotten lost.
Find me.

I know better in my heart of hearts.
To have pity on myself.
To hang in the shame of my mistakes.
And allow myself to succumb to the lies and disgrace.
Find me.

I know you are near.
I know your mercies are new each morning.
With a new day, new light, a freshness begins.
In the morning light, you will find me.

For now, the many facets of the circumstances of this life are more than this heart can handle.
Though your peace eludes me.
I know you are near.
Find me.
__________________________________________________________

I know enough to apologize for myself. For the tone of this post. This blog is for those who read it, but it brings healing to me as well. I would love for every post to be full of life, light, and encouragement. But, in truth, life just isn't so, not all the time. In fact, the Lord promises with peace, prosperity, joy, hope, and every other good thing he has blessed us with that there will also be transgression and times of discomfort. I know enough to know that he is in control. To trust him in the midst. But, this is also a place where my heart lets out what is weighing on it and I am committed to being honest and true. If that means that sometimes my posts stink of self pity and shame than so be it. There is a part of me that is not okay with admitting I have weaknesses, my heart breaks too, just like everyone else. But, I know that there is a chance that one who reads my pitiful posts will also read when God replaces that empty black hole with restoration.

I have been taken by surprise lately. I thought I was good at keeping myself composed. Hiding my expression and putting on "a good face." Well apparently, not only does my expression give itself away but even my tone of voice betrays me. Todd takes one look at me and repeats my emotions back to me. I always squish my eyebrows together at him in confusion. I know we've been together for many years but I know he can't read my mind. But, he can apparently read my face. We had sort of a big situation at home today. My mother-in-law called and spoke her peace, whatever she intended to tell me. Then, asked if everything was okay. I said "not really" and she followed by saying "I can tell." Only to have my father then follow that up with, "I can tell we upset you, it's written all over your face." I never considered myself so vulnerable. I've heard the expression "where your heart on your sleeve." I guess I wear mine on my face. I'm so stumped by that. I'm okay with it. I feel blessed actually to be surrounded by people who know me so well.

So forgive my pity-party. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is love and will heal my heart.