Thursday, October 16, 2008

I'd like to order the Peace Platter with a side of Joy please!

I don't know how many days it has been, too many. Too many days have been spent wound up tightly like a top. I have felt frustrated, stressed, strained, and on edge. Struggling, fretting and fighting off the urge to break down. Looking for the slightest easing of these emotions, a bit of relief, peace. I've muttered through my life tense like a volatile volcano on the verge of spewing hot lava every where. Worse, I'm certain my aggravated state has allowed offense words to leave my mouth and feel like hot ash to those around me.

I've been looking at my life, my world, and everything within it through the glasses of Kari. These glasses block my peripheral vision and prevent me from noticing others around me and keep my focus on myself.

There has been this nagging within my mind that wants everyone to conform to what I want. The urge to make them make me feel the way I want them to. Pitching a fit when I don't get my way. These are acts I wouldn't recommend as they only lead to a laundry list of disappointments.

I finally started to wonder what was wrong with me. Why am I so unhappy? Why am I so stressed and so wound up? Thinking, if I could just have this happen then I'll be happy or if I could just have that now, I'll be happy. In truth, I've been so unhappy because of the selfish attitude I've been carrying with me. I'm not doing anything to help anyone else. Even at home. I fulfill my responsibilities but expect the rest of the members to revolve around me. Nice mom eh! So yeah, so far this post is fun! This frame of mind is not very conducive to trying to write either.

So I know what my problem is and I need to get out of this funk! I need to get my face on the floor and seek the Lord's presence, peace, and most importantly, forgiveness.

Okay so I'll quit with the whining and just get over myself!

2 Thessalonians 3:5
May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.

This verse sums up what I so desperately need to feel attainable to me now. A full understanding, a revelation of God's love and the ability and strength to express it toward others coupled with patient endurance that must come only from Christ.

When I think of endurance I am reminded of when my gym coach would make me run a mile, four full times around the track. Grueling! I eventually became capable of resisting the voice in my head telling me to quit, quit immediately, I can't take it and continue to run in spite of my minds urgency to stop. This is endurance. But you see, it was still a struggle. Although I was succeeding at putting my mind down, forcing my body to comply, and continued to move my feet it was uncomfortable, hard. So the idea that a person can endure and endure patiently provides the assumption that it must not be hard. So how does one achieve endurance that is easy, patient endurance? I'll let ya know when I figure it out. In the mean time, I will continue to ask for peace and expect it. I will keep my eye focused on the Lord and my goals, and each day allow myself a small fraction of time to grieve for that which I have not yet recovered from.

2 Thessalonians 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace himself give you his peace at all times and in every situation. The Lord be with you all.

3 drops of sunshine:

Tabbie:) said...

Praying the Lord provides all you need and praying you will allow Him to speak the things you need to hear and see to move forward.
Sending prayers your way!

Shannon said...

Your a sister after my own heart... here is what I wrote to God this morning...

Lord be my everything, be my love and let me not look elsewhere. There is plenty of you to go around and I want all of you I can get! Come and give me joy, come and let your HOPE abound deep, deeper, deep, and deeper still into every vein please flow wildly that all I ground myself in is your HOPE, not emotions, or things seen, or things felt... just in your HOPE that ignites a crazy joy within my bones... yep... crazy joy come to my bones for God of all gods, God of all things, God of ALL is my HOPE... your storehouse is full to overflowing... overflow in me.


I love your honesty here and my prayer in the am was just for me, but my prayer in the pm is for us both!

Love,
Shannon

Cindy said...

Kari,

As I have read your post I reflect on my own and several others I have read lately. It seems several of us have been going through similar phases.

I know that encouraging words left on my blog really helped but you are right in knowing that it is God and His word that ultimately bring us the peace and joy we are so desperate for.

Praying for you tonight.
Cindy