Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Back On Track

I'm certain you can tell from my recent posts that my quiet time has been few and far between. It was always what I did first thing after getting my older three kids off to school. That time in recent weeks was replaced with the hustle and bustle of a ticking clock and the need to get my house packed up. Not that I haven't spent time with God or that I haven't continued to praise him and pray but I just didn't take the time to continue to learn these past few weeks. To go deeper. I've learned anyway.

My thoughts are all a bit of a hodge podge and a few notes in a notebook so I'm relying on the Holy Spirit to bring it all together for me and for you.

When I first began to commit to reading my bible daily and having time intentionally set aside for Jesus it seemed an overwhelming task. I didn't know what to expect. I knew how to communicate with God but I didn't know how he'd communicate with me. That seemed so daunting to me. I thought I'd have to listen to some praise and worship music for a while to set the tone. I'd have to be perfectly still and quiet, then by some miracle I'd experience some huge revelation each day. Boy was I wrong!

I start most mornings by watching Joyce Meyer. It is always interesting to me how the theme of the week with Joyce is always lined up with what I need for that week. It is even more interesting that after having several little mini lessons of watching Joyce Meyer, the week's circumstances, and my time in the bible, God closes the week at church. I can't even tell you how many times God has dealt with me for a period of time on a certain topic only to then have it preached at church too. I'd have to be a door knob not to get what God is trying to communicate to me. It is almost always a theme and often goes on for days and weeks.

I have also come to realize that prayer time isn't some sacred time in a sacred place where we spew out the smartest of things. I actually don't really pray when I'm reading. I just listen, jot a few things down and get online to my blog and that is where it all comes together for me. My blog is sort of like me just talking to myself but somehow the Holy Spirit comes through. Often times as I put my daily blog together, my thoughts are just as much a revelation to me as they may be to you. I hope they are revelations for you or that God uses my lessons and life's circumstances to speak to you. So while I do have quiet time each morning, my prayer time is all day and much more like conversation. I try and talk to God like I would my husband or best friend. I'm not afraid to let him know when I'm mad or don't like something. I certainly want him to know when I'm grateful and praise him. I'm learning just talk to him as I think of things instead of creating a list in my head and putting it all down in some serious, quiet, ultra-spiritual type frame. I'm too serious too much of the time and I've got a lot going on so I find it necessary to chat with God when it occurs to me; when something pops up. I'm certain this is how he intended it to be anyway. He wants an intimate relationship with us, he calls us friends, so we should treat him like an intimate friend. When you think of something you need to tell a friend, your spouse, or mom you just pick up the phone and call. Prayer for me is like calling God on the my cell.

Todd and I are completely free and clear of the house now. Yesterday they changed the locks, took our keys, and completed the "cash for keys" transaction. We are no longer connected to the house in any way, shape, or form. I'm okay. I'm really, really okay. I think I'm finally done and free of it all. I'm ready to move on with my life and start to rebuild.

Todd is the head of our household and sole financial provider. So I'm certain this process has been particularly draining on him. He is so incredibly selfless though he would never let me believe that. Not until he could see that I was truly much better. Once he felt like he didn't need to hold me up anymore he finally began to share with me how tough it has been for him. Men are so different and don't seem to have the need to talk things to death like woman do. So I feel like there is a lot more we should discuss but I don't get the impression from him that he needs to say anymore. He just needed to get to the point, this is what it is. He needed to feel validated and like his feelings are important to me and okay we can move on now. Man do I envy that ability. I spent a good portion of time dwelling on the loss of our home and crying about it. But, I couldn't believe the things that came out of my mouth as I encouraged my husband. I remember thinking, I should really take my own advice. I believe the Holy Spirit speaks through us if we allow it and I'm so glad Todd was able to hear what the Holy Spirit wanted him to hear instead of what I would have wanted to say. Still, the truth is I can't bear to see Todd feel like a failure or that he missed it somewhere along the line. I want him to immediately get his eyes off the circumstances and onto Jesus and just stay in faith while Jesus carries us through. Soon, this will all be but a memory; one more storm we've endured.

I've come to realize just how much grace and mercy is upon us. There are many marriages that would crumble due to the day to day stress of life. There is no way many marriages could endure what we have. Todd is a strong, strong man. He is the sole provider for me and our five children! In Michigan no less. That alone is an incredible burden. He didn't falter even once during this process. He held his head high and carried us through. Words can't express my gratitude to my husband for being my rock and to Jesus for blessing me with such an incredible man. Todd you have so much to be proud of. Jesus is preparing for you a mansion and a heavy, heavy crown adorned with many a beautiful gems to be bestowed upon such a man as you. I love, love, love you! You have carried me through, now let Jesus carry you.

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