Where's the blog lady?

Okay people, I've had a couple of frustrating days and here is where I get honest. Like, really honest.

I was not raised in a christian, religious, or church going home. Well, for the most part. I used to occasionally sleep over Grandma's house and attend her episcopalian church with her. I loved to sit in the first pew and watch her sing in the choir. There was a time we lived in an apartment complex and on Saturday these two fellows from a Baptist church would come around and give out candy. You say, "yes, we're getting on the church bus tomorrow" and in return, they give you candy. Sunday morning this blue school bus would come around the complex and pick up all the kids that wanted to go to church, on the bus, and leave their parents at home. That seems odd to me but I loved it. My favorite part was when we got out of our own Sunday classes, I'd always find my youngest brother in a corner crying somewhere because he didn't know where to go or know where to find me or our other brother. It was usually the only time he'd let me mother him. Bad big sister, I know.

Anyway, not raised in a christian home with parents that prayed for me. I was allowed to watch movies at a young age that I never should have seen in my lifetime at all. I used to love hanging out with my cousin that was seven years older than me, she made me street smart. Well, my version of street smart but not hers. I never beat anyone up. I was allowed to watch MTV and for the most part I was a pretty good kid, oldest child, only daughter, so my parents trusted me and I had a lot of freedom. As I got older I smoked cigarettes, drank beer, smoked pot, got arrested for shoplifting, pregnant at seventeen. I did a lot of stupid crap.

I've been saved for more than ten years but I haven't been a dedicated christian with my nose in the bible daily for gosh, more than a year probably. There is a lot that needs to be burned off. I have been severely desensitized. Add to it, I'm damaged. I don't trust all that easily and I've been hurt by those closest to me. This means that those who I love most deal with the brunt of it. I love them more than anything or anyone else and it will hurt more if and when they disappoint me. It's easier for me to trust and be kind and encourage those that at arms length from me. I'm not attached so they can't hurt me. But, those I love and adore, I can't seem to let in at all.

Someone once said to me "maybe you aren't who you say you are." Nothing struck my core than those words. It hurt because it was true. I felt like a hypocrite. But now, now I'm just frustrated because I'm not a hypocrite. I'm a frickn' human! I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I hurt people. I say things I think are funny and hurt someones feelings in the process. I get angry and say things that are unkind. I do things even though I now better not to. I sin. Just because I am purposefully trying to improve the quality of my life and my after life does not mean I think I've got it all going on. I'm not riding on a high horse. I'm not holier than thou. I get it wrong. I don't intentionally set out to try and hurt people and if anyone I know feels that way, well, you don't know me at all.

I am all too aware of my faults, my shortcomings. I know who I want to be. There are people in my life that inspire me to become that person. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of prayer and a lot of dedication to get there. By the way, none of us ever really gets there. But, I know there are things I can do each day to bring me closer to the Lord, my husband, and my children. There are things I can do daily to make those around me feel loved. That is what I will continue to focus on.

I am not going to spend another day wondering if what I said offended this person or that person. I am not going to limit my personality or tip toe around. I am who I am. Sometimes I'm funny. Sometimes I'm cranky. Sometimes I'm cuddly and somethings I don't want to be touched. Sometimes I'm friendly and sometimes I'm shy. Sometimes I need to be loved and feel loved but I just don't know how.

Don't get me wrong, I will continue to be kind and friendly, considerate, and walk in love but I will no longer apologize for things that I am unintentionally doing or unaware of. I will no longer second guess myself. I wasn't put here to please people. I was put here to worship the Lord, and serve people. To let my life be an example of his love, to please him, not people.

With the person I used to be came behaviors and habits that I no longer with to participate in. I'm not being judgemental. I know that I am the one being judged. In Revelations chapter 2, the Lord said he would kill the children of Jezebel who called herself a prophet, taught people to commit sexual sin, and eat food offered by idols. He says, then all the churches will know that I am the one who searches out the thoughts and intentions of every person.

God takes sin very seriously and we all will be judged. There are people around me who do not have the same views and beliefs. But, I take my faith very seriously. I know that what I do and what I teach my children will carry from generation to generation. I owe it to my children and grandchildren to live the best life, Christ centered, and do and be what he has called me to be. So I don't stand in judgement because I am all to preoccupied with that which I know I will be judged for.

There are others around me that need me to be more. More loving, more compassionate, more giving, more nurturing. This is strange territory for me. It will only be possible through the continual filling of love from God in my life daily, my own prayers, and prayers of others. It was my husband last night who said "where's the blog lady?" This blog is a representation of the very best of who I am and away from this blog, outside of prayer and the presence of God, it gets uglier. All I can say is, I know who I want to be. Lord, change me, I am willing to be changed.

In the mean time, for my husband and the rest of those out there that I know and love who are under the impression that I think I'm all that and a bag of chips, I'm not, nor do I think I am. I am fully aware of my faults. I am haunted by hurtful things I've said, arguments, disagreements, and a curious mind of what others think of me. I truly try to be the best possible me to everyone I meet, know, and love but I do miss it sometimes. If I've missed it with you, I'm truly sorry. Forgive me.