Friday, November 7, 2008

Letting Go and Coming Home

As I type this post I am reminded of a sweet, anointed song we sing at church. I can't find the artist to add it to my player below though. Here are a few lines of the lyrics

I'm coming up
I'm coming in
Coming Close
Home Again

I can hear the echo of Rachel's voice as it is sweetly sung in church.

I had planned to have any easy day and enjoy the company of my twins for a full day. My Friday started as it typically does with laundry and cleaning house. I started in on Mallory and Hailey's dresser drawers though and once I get started, look out! It occurred to me that they have many sets of cute matching pajamas. The problem, they are more like halter tops and capri pants. They don't fit. I had been holding onto them because they don't have enough pajamas that do fit. It suddenly occurred to me that each room that my family occupies holds a few items like this. Things I'm holding onto "just in case." I can't do it anymore. I can't grip onto everything for fear of losing more.

So I'm letting go.

I refuse to live any longer in this poverty mentality. My God is Jehovah Jirah, my provider, he meets all my needs! I'm throwing out the old pajamas that no longer fit and it's up to God to figure out how to replace them. That's on his to do list. Now don't get me wrong. I'm knowing throwing my wisdom and wits out the window. Todd and are learning to respect our money, use money for it's proper purpose, and make wise decisions. If our children have need of something we need to accept that it is okay to spend a bit of that money to meet their needs and not continue to just make do with what we have. So today, I'm testing God. Testing his limits. The bible says that his dreams for us are far greater than what we are capable of imagining. It is my suspicion that if we limit him here, we limit him in other places as well. So I'm ripping off the roof, getting rid of the ceiling, and allowing God to have his will.

There are pieces within my bedroom that I was holding onto as well that represent certain people in my life, certain relationships. I've had to let go of a few relationships this past year but never let go of the objects that represent them. The proof that they existed with such fondness in my life to begin with. I am finally okay with these partings so I'm finally okay with letting go of these objects as well.

So today, I am satisfied with the appearance of full garbage bags because they represent just that, baggage. But, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I've shuffled through the things that kept me tied to a previous time and let them go.

I knew exactly how I was feeling and what I wanted to portray as these words began to rise up within me. I was looking for a bit of inspiration though, a confirmation that this is the direction I should go with my blog today and found this.

From a Max Lucado book that I once bought for my husband called Grace For the Moment. It's an inspiration book (duh, right?), one for each day of the year. November 7th reads like this:

God Loves You Dearly
We love because God first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Untethered by time, he sees us all. From the backwoods of Virginia to the business district of London; from the Vikings to the astronauts, from the cave-dwellers to the kings. From the hut-builders to the finger-pointers to the rock-stackers, he see us. Vagabonds and ragamuffins all, he saw us before we were born.
And he loves what he sees. Flooded by emotion. Overcome by pride, the Starmaker turns to us, one by one, and says, "you are my child. I love you dearly. I'm aware that someday you'll turn from me and walk away. But I want you to know, I've already provided a way back."

Wow! There are times when I have been overcome with emotion for my children or my husband and the sense of pride moves me to tears. To realize that even that is nothing compared to what Jesus feels when he looks upon me, when he looks upon you.

I began reading a book by Charles Swindoll this week about hearing the will of God. What I've gained so far is that it is less about that one thing we are supposed to do with our lives and more about the journey. What we do that pleases God. What we gain from each thing we do right and each thing we do wrong. God already knows each decision we'll make. May it be within his will or outside of it, he knows what we'll choose. Then he makes provisions to help us out of it. He prepares for us a way back to him.

The financial situation my husband and I found ourselves in was a series of mistakes, surely. It was also at which point we turned and walked away. When you begin to live outside of the will of God you have no choice. If you continue to submit to what you want instead of what he wants you can't have both. You can't live with yourself and continue to disobey. For me, it was an unconscious decision and one that I didn't fully understand until now. Yes, I made mistakes but more importantly, I realize now I pursued what I wanted and walked away from him. Until now.

I turned back toward Jesus months ago and each step of the way I have grown and there have been new revelations, but none like today. I know exactly what I did and when I did it. I know exactly how it felt. And, I know exactly what it will feel like again if I chose that path again. Will I chose it again? Will I submit to the yearnings of my soul that caution my disobedience and follow him or will I ignore them and submit to my flesh?

I will choose to follow him, to obey. I know all to well what it feels like to fall outside of his will. I know how slow and painful the road back is. I know that I am standing at the last turn of the bend in the road that leads to restoration and I'm not treading this road again!

4 drops of sunshine:

cheryl said...

stop reading my mind, please. LOL
i have to check your page multiple times a day to make sure i'm not missing where you are sending me daily! you always seem to hit on something i need. creepy, yet really cool.

okay, pajamas. daddies or brother t-shirts work just fine. no fire protection, but, you gotta do what you gotta do. i put pajamas on my kids christmas list and birthdays lists. i refuse to pay the enormous amounts of money they want for something that you wear to bed.

i loved the part about you being so overcome with pride for your children or husband you cried. i did that just today. i was thinking of sarah and replaying last weeks soccer game. she is one of the "senior" players on her team and she was guiding and directing other girls on the field. totally not in a snotty way. i was so proud she has gotten to a place where she knows the game so well and can help others. and i gush inside when i hear another parent comment on her skills. not in a "my kid is better than your kid" way, just a thankfulness that she found something she's really good at. she has had a hard time finding her niche. i just said to myself "Gosh, I sooo love that kid" and got a little teary. it wasn't a big thing she did that got me. it was something i saw that she maybe didn't even realize she's did or realizing that i saw it.

i am holding onto a lot of what-if items too, but i have been forced to go through them and say "if this can't go to texas, it's gone". there are no basements down there, no room for all the stuff we keep carting from house to house, state to state, just in case. mine isn't quite as spiritual as your cleaning, but it does help the mind to declutter.

happy cleaning!!

cheryl said...

oops, nice typo. she's did. yeah, that makes sense.
pardon me editor!! lol

Cindy said...

Kari,
I am so filled with joy for you as you share the desires of your heart to be on the path toward life with God.
He is so amazing! He always waits patiently for us to turn around and has His arms open wide for our return.
I have a lot of 'material memories' that I too need to let go of. This is a beautiful reminder of what we all need to do.
Have a super week.
Cindy

Tabbie:) said...

You are Fantastic.