Friday, May 2, 2008

For my patient husband

To quote a line from a song lyric "I need you like a heart needs a beat." I'm sorry that it is so easy for me to put onto pater exactly where my heart stands yet I can't articulate in a conversation the depths of my feelings for you.

I started to say earlier I am sorry that I can't look you in the eye and say I feel lonely and isolated, or I'm frustrated and overwhelmed, or I have too much on my plate. I don't know exactly how to even after all these years allow myself to be seen so tender and vulnerable before you. I feel like I have to always come off like I can do it all and I can do it all on my own. The same is true for you and the Lord. Because I'm afraid to communicate my weaknesses, my frustration builds and ultimately makes me angry. I am angry at myself because I've made too many commitments, because I seem to get stuck behind this computer so I don't accomplish as much, because I am not living to my full potential. It takes me a bit to realize I'm angry with myself and to stop directing it at you. I've often expressed how I'd love to trade places. I'd love to wake up when the house is quiet and sneak off to work and miss the hustle and bustle of a busy day with the kids and all that they require. But, the truth is I was created to be their mommy and your wife, God has ordained me to be so, and I need to learn to rest and trust in him and just be who I am called to be.

I allow myself to get busy with the stuff of life, tackling one project after another and wind up missing all the precious moments and things of life. I've felt recently like I'm drowning or like I can't breath because there is just so much going on. I'm not sure each child has been kissed and hugged by the end of each day. I'm with them but I'm not "with" them. I'm with you but I'm not "with" you. Even when I'm not busy running this errand or bathing that child or whatever, my head is still overwhelmed with the next thing on the "to do" list. I am sorry that you suffer the brunt of it. I'm sorry that I direct the anger that I feel toward myself at you and blame you for days on end until I'm finally willing to let myself see what is really happening.

I am eternally grateful for the divine level of unconditional love you have for me, and the divine level of patience you demonstrate each and every day. We started on this journey as kids and I'm so incredibly proud of the man of God you have become and will continue to grow into. Love is patient, kind, not boastful, proud, or jealous.... you encompass that verse in all that you do and say for the kids and I every day. It is my own insecurities that block my vision from seeing how deep and wide and true your love continues to be. I was only fifteen when you stole my heart. I thought I knew what love was when I said I'd marry you, but we each have learned through trial and triumph over and over, what true love really is. Thank you for being my rock, my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my husband, my counselor, my accountability person; I know I demand a lot from you. Pray for me; pray that I will encompass all that you need and more. I am who I am because of you, because of how you love me. Loving you is like blinking, an ordinary involuntary reflex but as essential to my life as breath. My entire heart will always be forever yours! I love you!


What I'm listening to:

I bought the Every Day Sunday CD a few months back because of thier "skater" image and assumed it would be a sound my almost teenage son would enjoy and hopefully the lyrics and music would minister to him. I've heard the CD a few times and enjoy the sound but never paid much attention to the lyrics after my intial listen so I could approve the CD for him. Tyler put the CD in a few days ago and it was exactly what I needed to hear and it was exactly where I found myself this morning.

Yesterday, I could not feel this
Today I'm sick of trying
To live like I can live on my own
This world around me is suffocating
But I keep forgetting
To turn and run into You
So Find me
Wherever I am won't You
Find me
I got myself lost and I
Don't think
I want to be roaming in heartache
Please find me tonight
I make it hard and I can't stand it
Can't wrap my head around it
I wrestle with You more than I should
I make a mess of everything
But You see the best in me
I'll never be too far gone
You speak without sound
Your love is so loud
You always save me

2 drops of sunshine:

Wendi said...

I'm sure I'm not the only one who can really relate to this. Life is busy and can be rather suffocating if we let too much take our time. The balance of priorities can be a really tough thing. God's gift of a patient husband is the best! I'm so glad you have that gift too!
By the way, I really love your blog design. All the cute fashion pictures...really fun!

Todd said...

As the tears were running down my cheeks as I was reading your blog it reminded me of why I love you so much and why I will continually to do anything for love for you grows stronger and stronger each day. My love for you has no boundaries. You are such a wonderful mother and a “breath of fresh air” wife.