I've chosen a path, no longer luke warm, starring at the fork in the road.

Wow! I can't believe it's been nearly a month since my last post. I got a little burnt out from trying to cram too much into each morning and took a necessary break. I've been in the word, the hubs and I are in agreement on a few things, and have chosen a path instead of continuing to look at the fork in the road.

I've had a few things stirring in me for some time and the hubs and I have made some preliminary decisions but continue to pray about them to ensure we're in the will of God before we make any commitments. We've been praying independantly but it's time for corporate prayer. We're praying a lot about our home church and the area of the state in which we'll continue to raise our children because the two are certainly connected. I also feel as though we are being called up, preparing for change or for promotion. But, before we can be relied upon there are a few things we need to change at home both personally and on a family level.

I've said before that I've been saved for more than ten years but I didn't surrender and commit to a relationship with Jesus until January, 2008. I've been learning more and more how to walk in the spirit and follow peace to remain within the will of God. There are a few things that won't change very soon because although we know they will change, we aren't released to do so yet; like where we live. Todd and I have each had our own independent devotional time and personal relationship with the Lord but have yet to really incorporate them together. And, although we each pray for our children and pray general prayers with them before meals and bedtime we haven't really prayed with them, not specifically or specifically enough. We also need some devotional time with our children so they aren't just studying on their own but it's a corporate family activity. God is calling us to be a Godly family, to walk in the spirit together and to truly train our children in the Lord and prepare them to be Godly adults and not just look like a Godly family.

If any of you follow me on Facebook you will know I quoted Joyce Meyer this morning who said "much like we have to wind up the alarm clock to prepare us for the day, the first thoughts we have while lying there in the morning wind us up for the day." Much like we have to set a clock, we need to set our minds! It's time to make a decision once and for all to get our hearts right, to get our body's right, to get our homes right. Once you make up your mind to do something, nothing can detour or persuade you otherwise. It's time to get fit in mind, body, and soul and teach our children to do the same. It starts first thing, every morning.

If we get ourselves right the rest will fall into place. I know this through personal experience. We have always had an abundance of grace and mercy upon us and I can only image as we go deeper in the Lord how much richer our lives will be. I'm ready to be called up, to get promoted. I'm ready to not only be a hearer of the word but a doer also. I'm ready to be used by God. I didn't endure all that I have in my life just to accumulate a testimony that will never be shared. God uses everything for his glory. I'm ready to be used! Send me!

Hebrews 12:14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord.

I am salt and light but those who are not holy will not see it and will not be seasoned if I live a mediocre, luke warm life.

Peace be with you!

My family had the craziest month of March. The hubs had an insane school schedule attending every Monday and Tuesday evening, after working all day. Two weekends out of the month he'd take Friday off work to attend school for eight hours on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He always had assignments that needed to be completed when he arrived at class on Friday, assignments due on Saturday and Sunday, followed by a final project due one week after the weekend class in addition to his regular studies for his Monday and Tuesday classes. All five kids danced in their polish dance recital on April 4th which was a three hour program. The kids had dance for four hours on Thursday and Friday evening to prepare. I had the bright idea of being costume mom this year which I truly enjoyed but it was a lot more time consuming that I thought it would have been. Tyler and Karli performed in five dances which means five different costumes for each of them, Faith in six, and the twins in four each. In addition to ensuring the costumes pieces for all my own children were perfect, I was busy sewing and hemming for lots of other families as well. Truth be told, I let the crazy schedule take over and haven't spent much time reading the word. I swear, my soul was so dry, my bones ached!

So, I set aside some time for me this morning, for the Lord actually. I watched Joyce Meyer whose message was about our path to living in peace. The first thing she said was "Are you confident? Do you like yourself?" I am and I do. But, had you asked me yesterday, my answer may have been different.

You see, if your mind and heart are not filled with the spirit of God and His word, it will be filled with something else. What's circling in your thoughts today? What lies are you listening to? Are you consumed about how you'll pay your bills, if you'll keep your job, how you rate and compare to wonder woman who lives next door, or how your tomatoes rate compared to hers? One of my all time favorite scriptures! Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I've made mistakes and there are times when I face them daily and ponder on them. I think about my failures. I found the more time I spent away from the word the more preoccupied my thoughts became with my mistakes. I was feeling like a lousy person and a lousy mom and a lousy wife because I have failed them in some ways. But, today! Today I can say that I am confident and I do like who I am. I'm aware of those mistakes and I'm not proud of them, but I refuse to let myself be held in the bondage of shame and guilt.

We need to get in agreement with what the Lord says and thinks about us and quit agreeing with the devil! We are the righteous of God on Christ and he loves us! 2 Corinthians 5:21 For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. Not because of anything I did or you did, not because we have earned it or that it's even possible to be earned, but because of what Jesus did.

So how do we get that peace? To start, we need to quit spending our time trying to control our circumstances and learn to control ourselves! Then, we chase peace, it doesn't just fall upon us, we have to seek it out and determine to put it on! John 14:27 "I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid.

We become patient when we learn to exercise patience, we grow wisdom when we learn to exercise wisdom, we gain peace when we learn to exercise peace. When we determine to not throw a fit over every little thing, to not get upset, to not disagree all the time with every decision another person makes or does that we don't agree with. But when we decide it's time that we cannot control what other do, what others think, we can't control the milk that has already spilled and command it back into the cup. When we decide to choose peace, to not act outwardly, breathe deeply and say I'm trusting Jesus. Easier said than done, I know. I'm like the queen of let's get upset about everything and control and change our circumstances but I'm committed to this journey to peace for me and for my family.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

I must warn you, this post will give away details of the book so if you are reading or want to read it, don't read this post.
While reading a blog, written by I can't remember who, she mentioned the book A Thousand Splendid Suns written by Khaled Hosseini who also wrote The Kite Runner which I have not read. She was looking for the next "it" book. She read the Twilight series, as did I, which left us both thinking about it for days and even weeks after completing the series. So, she was looking for the next book that could hold a candle to Twilight and found it in this novel. The hubs happened to be at the library when I read this so I asked him to pick it up. I had no idea what it was about and when I read the inside leaflet of the hardcover, I wasn't sure I was going to like it. But, the reviews were amazing. So, I picked it up and read over 170 pages in the first day.
I love to go through my books with a highlighter to save the sections that really appeal to me and found myself quite frustrated because I can't use a highlighter in this book that has to go back to the library. So instead, it has lots of yellow, sticky, flags sticking out of it.
To give you a brief idea, the book is about two different generations of characters growing up in Afghanistan and crosses the Soviet invasion, the reign of the Taliban, and post-Taliban. The author has a magical way of hiding historical fact in his glorious writing and really gives you a feel for how hard life was and is in Afghanistan for the people who live there.
The first part of the story revolves around Mariam Jo and begins in her ninth year of life. She is a child that was born out of wedlock so she and her mother are a disgrace to their family and the family of the man that created her. Mariam Jo's father keeps her and her mother stowed away in a very small home outside of both major nearby towns but he comes to visit once per week. He is a wealthy man but has supplied them with only bare essentials. What I find ironic is that it is common in the culture, at least in the 50s for men to have more than one wife and this man, Jalil had two wives and ten other children all living in his home. The first sticky in the book is in regards to Mariam Jo and her father.
"When it was time for Jalil to leave, Mariam always stood in the doorway and watched him exit the clearing, deflated at the thought of a week that stood, like an immense, immovable object, between her and his next visit. Mariam always held her breath as she watched him go. She held her breath and, in her head, counted seconds. She pretended that for each second that she didn't breathe, God would grant her another day with Jalil."
Despite her mother's anger and rantings against Jalil, Mariam was a small child hopelessly longing to be with her father. You will suffer with her as she learns that everything her mother warned her about is true. Her father is ashamed of her and she is a disgrace. Her life alone with her mother is the best her life will ever be, at least in the first portion of the book. As part I draws to a close her mother has already committed suicide and her father has forced her to marry a fat, smoker, near his fifties, though she is only fifteen. At first she is scared, homesick, and misses her mother but a slowly she begins to connect with her husband. She finds herself full of hope and love when she gets pregnant with her first child but it's shattered when she loses this child and eight more and her husband becomes abusive. In their four years together he has kept her isolated, unable to be friends with the woman in the neighborhood because they are "modern" and forces her to be covered from head to toe when she leaves the home. When he entertains his male friends, she must stay in her own room; she doesn't share one with her husband.
The second sticky is the last in part I and I've come to the point where she is completely incapable of doing anything that pleases her husband. She has been accused of being incapable of preparing a decent meal and ruined the rice. Her husband has strewn it everywhere and storms out. When he returns he forces her to chew a handful of pebbles, breaking two of her molars, to inform her of how badly her rice tastes.
"Good," Rasheed said, His cheeks were quivering. "Now you know what your rice tastes like. Now you know what you've given me in this marriage. Bad food, and nothing else."
I'm just about finished with part II and I promise it's a bit more hopeful than part I but in many cases, not. The the hopelessness of the history of this country is almost hidden in the background because of the powerful bonds the author shares with us. It's an amazing book and for a woman who isn't college educated or up to par on history, I'm smarter for it.

Small Things Part III

Tyler has a "girlfriend" and we have a discussion every single day about this relationship. He's approaching fourteen and I set my expectations and boundaries very clearly. He is way to young and immature of mind and emotion to be holding hands and if I ever catch his lips on hers, his butt is mine! And, in my opinion, a true gentleman has the utmost respect for all girls and woman which is why when Tyler deleted one of Karli's favorite shows from the DVR list he was in big trouble. It's petty, immature, and disrespectful! TV is unimportant so I did have a chat with Karli about not getting so upset about it, it's just TV, it doesn't matter but for Tyler to take action just to spite her is unacceptable and not the way the Lord intended us to treat each other.
God's word is very clear, men and woman alike are to keep their eyes, thoughts, and actions pure. So, we talk about things every day so the boundaries stay clear and ensure he doesn't get too close to crossing them. Temptation is not fought while holding the cookie jar, you have to lay the temptation at the alter before you even get near the cookie jar.

Without giving away all our secrets, Tyler understands that he will reap in his marriage what he sows as a young man. I've been teaching him to open the door for me, for his sisters, and I encourage him to treat Jessie the same way. To carry her books and/or backpack and to know that he can be a true gentleman without crossing those boundaries. In the end, she will respect him more for this. We talk about how girls might behave if they don't feel loved at home to ensure that he and Jessie both are not seeking false intimacy and love in places outside the home. When he asks if he can go the movies with her, it's a rhetorical question because he already knows the answer is absolutely not. He knows he won't be wondering around the mall with her, or any of his friends for that matter, any time soon. I will allow him to attend a dance after school for now. But, when it comes to high school, you bet your bottom dollar I'll be a chaperon! The principles and foundation of a Godly relationship and eventually marriage have been clearly defined for Tyler since birth and I trust that when he achieves the age of maturity he'll be capable of making good decisions. Let's be honest though, teens are completely incapable of determining consequences and it's my responsibility as a good parent to form guidelines and boundaries to keep him from being faced with temptation that he is just not mature enough to handle. I'm not yet confident in his ability to say "no" to certain things yet; not because I don't trust him but because he just isn't ready.
Last week, Tuesday he informed me when he came home without his sweatshirt that it was because Jessie was wearing it. "She was cold" is all he said. Well, being that I'm teaching him to be a gentleman and all, I actually think it's okay but I could be wrong here. So later he tells me "I learned that each person has their own unique scent. Jessie said I smell good and it's not the Axe mom, so maybe it's that, maybe she's attracted to me because of my unique smell." Ah, yes, the small things, the small moments. I do adore them. I think he's just cute as a button although, he'd die of embarrassment if he ever heard me say that. For now, I find it to be harmless and having been a teen myself, not all that long ago, I'm happy with the boundaries we've got in place. I think we've given Tyler enough freedom to be himself but not enough room for him to make mistakes that can't be undone. Not to mention, the hubs has a really keen sense when things are off or wrong so that combined with prayer and mother's intuition leaves me feeling pretty confident in my decisions. I find it funny though, there are some that will have the opinion that I'm way to harsh and still, others who think Tyler shouldn't even be allowed to consider a relationship with a female at this point in his life. But, for our family, I think we've found a balance and as long as the hubs and I are in agreement, what more could I ask for? I do have a sneaky suspicion though that raising a teenage boy is going to be a cinch compared to my girls. I wonder if I'll still appreciate those small moments then? Wonder if the hubs will? My poor hubby, I don't think he has a clue what he's in for! The hubs has been telling me for years "don't sweat the small stuff." I think I've arrived, but there could soon be a day when I'll be giving him a dose of his own medicine. Let's hope not.
Tyler is struggling a bit in school, still getting acclimated to the new school, finding his place there and building upon the friendships he's made this year. His grades have slipped a bit. Tyler just got his braces on Tuesday followed by a fresh haircut. I'm hoping that combined with a new season of sports and more extra curricular activities that his self esteem will be boosted over the next couple of months. He plans to try out for the football team to play in high school next week which I think is a great idea. The team practices and works out in a weight room all summer. So if he's a part of the team then on that first day of school he'll feel more confident, will have formed stronger bonds with friends and made some new ones. So hopefully he'll enter that first day already feeling like he's a part of something. I'm a firm believer that the more involved kids and parent's alike are in school the easier it is for kids to feel free to be themselves and feel accepted by others and the bonus of that is, better grades! It took me until my thirties to not be hung up on other people's opinions and not care whether I belonged or not so I don't expect him to get it at this point. I remember all to well how tough high school really can be.
My husband will continue to keep Tyler in prayer and seek the Lord's divine intervention to help him seek healthy friendships, to feel confident, and perform well academically.

Small Things Part II

There are tons more small things like the way Mallory squished herself onto the dining room chair with Tyler to eat her ice cream and he didn't mind. The way I caught Mallory in my rear view mirror checking out the scenery out the window and fiddling with her hat. I love watching each of them, when they don't they're being watched. The way Hailey goes from child to child each morning confirming they are still her "best friend." The way Tyler rides his bike up on the days Karli stays after school for book club so Faith doesn't have to walk home alone. They way Faith helped me make dinner, had no idea what she was doing, and it still tasted good. The noodles were totally stuck to the bottom of the pan though. And, the way she asked if there was anything she could do to help clean up, even though she helped me make it.

One thing I often don't appreciate is how ridiculously long it can take Karli to get something done. Tuesday after book club we had dinner and between the hours of 5:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. she had to get her room cleaned up, put her clean clothes away, and make sure she got done any homework she had. Her room wasn't really messy, her bed needed to be straightened a bit and she had a few items of dirty clothing on the floor, no biggie. I know how ridiculous it is for a child to straighten her bed before she sleeps in it but whatever, leave me alone. She didn't have any pressing homework, just working on a few things that are due later in the week, I love that about her, but it still took her all three hours to do it. I'm a zip, zip, boom, boom kinda person that doesn't mess around so I can't relate to this poky mentality of hers but I'm really starting to appreciate our differences and encourage her to do it her own way. This makes it very hard for me to not lose my cool when it's five minutes before we need to leave for school and she's still in her p.j.'s and she's been up for an hour and a half. But, I love her and everything doesn't have to be done the way I would do it. Seriously though, she does keep a hairbrush in her backpack because she almost always has to brush it on her way to school. Sheesh!

A bit more on Tyler tomorrow!

The end of my childhood...

Writer's Workshop, sponsored by Mama Kat.



Well, I guess it comes to no surprise that, that moment would be when I was the ripe old age of seventeen and gave birth to my first child. Yeah, yeah, I’ve chatted about it from time to time here on the good ole’ blog so you all already know how young I was. But, I thought I’d delve a bit deeper here.
Although we didn’t attend the same high school, I still consider the hubs to be my high school sweetheart because well, I was in high school after all. One summer the not-the-hubs (at the time) was expected in the Washington D.C. area for a family wedding and decided he wanted to bring me along. The week before, I was expected to go on vacation with my family; camping in Tennessee. So the not-the-hubs came with me on my family vacation; sounds like a good plan for a sixteen-year-old in love no? Anyway, we camped with my family then took a Greyhound to the D.C. area. It’s about an 8 hour drive that literally took 24 on that God forsaken bus! Not fun times I tell ya. I’m positive that vacation is what clinched our future together, okay it’s when Ty was conceived.
Skip ahead to the fall of 1994, I was in my senior year of high school and just broke the news to the not-the-hubs. That same night I HAD to tell my mom. I’ve never really been very good at keeping secrets. Apparently, it wasn’t a secret at all, she knew before I did and was just waiting for me to tell her. Dad who was already sleeping was stirred and knew something was up, but mom covered for me until the next day. So dad gets home from work the next day and we decide we need to fill him in. We ask him to sit down and he says, of all things, “what for, she about to tell me she’s pregnant or something.” Uh, yeah dad, you stole my punch line!
My parent’s made it clear this is not what they had hoped for but I had their full support behind me. My mother-in-laws reaction has been erased from my memory. I can’t honestly remember a thing she said. But, she was nice to me, supportive when we got married and she’s always been one to tell me like it is, none the less, I’m sure she felt the same as my parent’s. It wasn’t so much what they said but let’s be real, this was their worst nightmare!
There was a lot of nausea, a wretched kidney infection that kept me in the hospital for a week and out of school for the remainder of the pregnancy (my doctor was a saint), lots of nights begging Todd to stay instead of running free with his friends, one really bad Chinese dinner where it wasn’t just nausea, and a couple of baby showers. I got so thin in the beginning, the girls at school started to tell me I looked good! If only they knew!
While lying in that hospital bed, the not-the-hubs proposed to me and asked if he could be the hubs. It was Valentine’s Day. So Tyler was born in May, I graduated high school (with honors might I add) in June, and we were married in August of 1776, I mean 1995.
I will never forget the instant, unequivocal, unconditional love I felt for that boy and still do today, both of them actually. Todd was quickly ushered out of the room before his head hit the floor but he returned shortly. He didn’t leave the room quick enough though because dad who was waiting very impatiently outside the door had been informed that the baby was born so he thought he’d let himself in. For you moms, having just given birth no more than three minutes ago, having your dad storm the room is not the perfect timing. Thank God for those sheets that hung in front of the doors! Shew, my dad was spared a lifetime of his own nightmares.
Tyler was perfect but, my butt was still huge, I felt like the” well” that fed the kid would hurt for the rest of my life, and I just may never be able to sit again. But, Tyler was perfect. Our parent’s were perfect, except for when they overstayed and/or turned a short visit into a houseful of guests which often included a meal as well. They did it out of love though, this I know.
My fiancé’, our new baby, and I lived in the basement at my parent’s house until after the wedding when we bought, you guessed it, a double wide! Actually, it was only a single but I couldn’t resist. My life sounds like a country song for pete sake! It was our home and we really loved it. Too bad that was all we loved. The rest really isn’t even worth mentioning because it was just pure misery. Fighting over who’d change the diaper, I worked, Todd didn’t. We had no idea what the heck we had gotten ourselves into and we were a hot mess. This was definitely the most trying time of our marriage. I wanted to quit and throw in the towel each and every day. I thank Jesus daily for Todd’s persistence, strength, patience, and perseverance. I also thank Him daily for finally getting a hold of our lives. I can just imagine the mess it would be had we been left to our devices.
Tyler was a strong-willed little bugar from the very start. Full of life and energy and the eagerness to touch everything he was supposed to. To find out what all the rules were so he could intentionally break em’ all. Thank God that all changed after he turned five. Since then he’s been such a sweet boy with a sweet spirit and a tender heart. He’s been one we could always talk to. Enforce consequences when he breaks the rules but he responds quickly and reverts back to the proper path. He truly is a good boy. He’s naïve for his age, not a bit street smart at all, and I think he’ll always be a mama’s boy. I don’t mind a bit!

The Small Things

When I first left my full time job years ago to stay at home with the kids, I was anxious, I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, and really lacked the confidence that it could even really be done. I thought for sure I would screw them all up and in some ways, I'm still afraid I have. The hubs worked 12 hours per day, 7 days per week. I won't lie, the days were looooong; I couldn't wait for Todd to get home. The weekends, worse. I spent a lot of weekends hanging out at my parent's house so I could still at least be surrounded by other adults. Mind you, at this point, I just had Tyler, Faith, and Karli and the idea of having another, let alone twins, was non-existent! It just wasn't gonna happen people!

I realize now in looking back, I was young and naive and all that propaganda but the bigger picture is I was selfish. I didn't want to put for the effort it took to play games, to keep them from arguing, to give them an outlet to release their energy, and I sure didn't want to cook dinner. I didn't mind doing everything else that was necessary around the house and at the time, I even preferred it to getting on the floor with my kids.

With the birth of the twins, after the fear of never shutting my eyes again disappointed, I was so full. I had so much peace and so much joy. We had very little in terms of a house and fortune and well, not much has changed there, but the Lord has been faithful to supply our every need and we really have what's most important, a strong bond, a biblical foundation and Christ as the center of our lives. Over the years, I have become more and more domesticated, as the hubs likes to put it. I take the brunt of the responsibility for almost everything that makes our home function. I'm the wife and mom and really am aware that ministering to my family is the calling that is first and foremost in my life. Don't get me wrong though, the hubs is pretty fantastic and very reliable, even in a pinch.

The more I pray for my husband and children, the more I am filled with this supernatural love. An even bigger desire to care for each of them, to spend time with them, and notice and appreciate all the small stuff. The joy of the Lord is truly my strength. My eyes have been wide open lately, so I thought I'd share a few of the small things with you. I think I'll have to break it into a few posts though because there's a lot.

Saturday, it was just the girls and I, the hubs was at school and Tyler spent the day with my brother and sister-in-law. We headed to Sam's Club to do our grocery shopping. We headed first toward the restroom and walked past a lady handing out samples. She asked Hailey if she wanted it and if she liked peanut butter and chocolate. Hailey was being shy, so she said no. The lady thought Hailey must have come in on a spaceship, and said nearly as much to her. Faith walked away saying "oh nice, nice thing to say to a child, that was inappropriate." She's so protective but it fills my heart. So, as we continue to the restroom Hailey hears this lady continue to go on about her sample and says "it taste like a candy bar." I caught her saying this earlier when we first entered but didn't catch the second time around but Hailey must have because she said quietly to herself "candy bar, I should've said yes." It still cracks me up today. She's such a funny girl! So I didn't take her to get a sample of the candy bar/energy bar thing they were giving out but they did have some samples of strawberry shortcake whipped up that she loved. My girls LOVE shopping on the weekends because they always leave full. It's a thing about Sam's Club they picked up from Grandma Ofiara. Yeah, we're a goofy bunch. It is such a
small moment and would have gone unnoticed this time last year but I'm grateful for the small things.

It is praying for each other that really connects us and I'm so glad to finally have the full revelation of that in my life.