I'd like to order the Peace Platter with a side of Joy please!

I don't know how many days it has been, too many. Too many days have been spent wound up tightly like a top. I have felt frustrated, stressed, strained, and on edge. Struggling, fretting and fighting off the urge to break down. Looking for the slightest easing of these emotions, a bit of relief, peace. I've muttered through my life tense like a volatile volcano on the verge of spewing hot lava every where. Worse, I'm certain my aggravated state has allowed offense words to leave my mouth and feel like hot ash to those around me.

I've been looking at my life, my world, and everything within it through the glasses of Kari. These glasses block my peripheral vision and prevent me from noticing others around me and keep my focus on myself.

There has been this nagging within my mind that wants everyone to conform to what I want. The urge to make them make me feel the way I want them to. Pitching a fit when I don't get my way. These are acts I wouldn't recommend as they only lead to a laundry list of disappointments.

I finally started to wonder what was wrong with me. Why am I so unhappy? Why am I so stressed and so wound up? Thinking, if I could just have this happen then I'll be happy or if I could just have that now, I'll be happy. In truth, I've been so unhappy because of the selfish attitude I've been carrying with me. I'm not doing anything to help anyone else. Even at home. I fulfill my responsibilities but expect the rest of the members to revolve around me. Nice mom eh! So yeah, so far this post is fun! This frame of mind is not very conducive to trying to write either.

So I know what my problem is and I need to get out of this funk! I need to get my face on the floor and seek the Lord's presence, peace, and most importantly, forgiveness.

Okay so I'll quit with the whining and just get over myself!

2 Thessalonians 3:5
May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.

This verse sums up what I so desperately need to feel attainable to me now. A full understanding, a revelation of God's love and the ability and strength to express it toward others coupled with patient endurance that must come only from Christ.

When I think of endurance I am reminded of when my gym coach would make me run a mile, four full times around the track. Grueling! I eventually became capable of resisting the voice in my head telling me to quit, quit immediately, I can't take it and continue to run in spite of my minds urgency to stop. This is endurance. But you see, it was still a struggle. Although I was succeeding at putting my mind down, forcing my body to comply, and continued to move my feet it was uncomfortable, hard. So the idea that a person can endure and endure patiently provides the assumption that it must not be hard. So how does one achieve endurance that is easy, patient endurance? I'll let ya know when I figure it out. In the mean time, I will continue to ask for peace and expect it. I will keep my eye focused on the Lord and my goals, and each day allow myself a small fraction of time to grieve for that which I have not yet recovered from.

2 Thessalonians 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace himself give you his peace at all times and in every situation. The Lord be with you all.

I remember...

I remember the years I walked this earth aimlessly
without a purpose
without a point
without hope.

I remember being so desperate for love
I would take affection in any form it came.

I remember feeling so needy
so lonely.

Longing for the presence of love
longing for acceptance
nourishment.

I remember when we met
how it felt to just stand close to you
how my knees would quiver
and my heart would race.

I remember our first date
how we talked for hours.

I remember never wanting you to leave
kissing at the door for eternity.

I remember how you taught me
what true love is
unconditional love
acceptance
nourishment.

I remember when you picked out first song
when you kissed me in your car
how it was your way of sharing your love for me
when we danced to it on our wedding day.

I remember how you taught me
are still teaching me
to communicate
instead of keeping it bottled inside.

I remember every instance
where you chose to give
instead of being selfish
when you apologized
when it wasn't your fault
where you rebuilt the bridge
when a few pieces had been ripped out.

I remember where I was
and how I felt
before I began this journey with you.

I remember the places
you have brought me
and the ways
you have changed me.

I remember
dressing our son for the first time together that day in the hospital, he was so tiny wasn't he.
driving for miles to get him to sleep
naming Faith
and birthing her monstrous body
how you cared for me when Karli was so challenging
how you loved me when one was ripped away from us
and the "wows" that followed the news of Mallory and Hailey.

The times
and ways
you have carried me
are countless.

Now, it is my turn
to carry you
love you
support you
encourage you
unconditionally.

"No one ever said the road would be easy
but that it would be worth it."

I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.

I forgive you.

Twilight

I started the first Stephanie Meyer book last week Thursday. I found it impossible to put down and finished it last night. The book for me ranks up there with The Notebook. Yeah, it's that good.

I read this morning, the movie opens on my birthday! I feel a date night coming on. I'm always glad to read the book before seeing the movie it gets turned into. I'm glad when my favorites are turned into movies because then I can share my love of something with Todd. He would never otherwise sit and read the book; Twilight or The Notebook. He did take me to see Phantom of the Opera at least twice. I lost count as to how many times I've actually seen it though. He has always had a bit of a romantic flare. For our first anniversary, he took me to see Phantom at the Pantages Theatre in Ontario. Awesome! He even once sat through The Nutcracker at the Fox Theatre in Detroit that was put on by a lovely Russian ballet company. I said "sat" he actually, fell asleep! Not the important part though, what's important is that he took me when I'm sure he would have preferred having his teeth plucked one by one with tweezers.

Ontario was the first time I had ever been to another big city like that. No, I did go to Chicago but I spent the whole weekend in a dance competition so I didn't see much. The city is huge. The highways are five lanes wide and apparently the folks that live there think there is no speed limit. I can remember walking near the theatre the day before we were actually supposed to be there. I was only 18. There were crowds of people dressed in black tie affair walking the streets. I had no idea where they were going but I wished I could go and I wished I could be dressed like they were. In my memory, I see myself with my arms stretched out from my sides twirling in a circle, full of wonder and amazement.

Another thing I remember from the trip besides sitting on the edge of my seat during the entire performance of Phantom, was what happened after our brief stint at McDonald's. We stopped for a bite to eat, we were in a hurry so we just used the restroom and headed back to the car to eat while we drove. When we returned to the car, a tiny little Geo Metro Convertible, it wouldn't start. So, Todd popped the handle for the trunk and began to get out. Before doing so, he tried to start the car once more. It started right up, so he pulled his door closed and we headed back to the freeway. Of course once we hit the center lane of this huge freeway without a speed limit, the hood became unlatched and slammed into the windshield. We had forgotten to get out of the car and shut the hood properly. So we did what any normal person would do, slow down, close your eyes, and tilt the steering wheel to the right. Pray that everyone gets out of your way and you make it safely to the side of the road. Actually, Todd used his rear view mirror to guide the car and ensure he could change lanes and we did make it safely to the side of the road. Thankfully, the windshield crack but didn't shatter and completely come apart. What could have been much worse, turned into only having to replace the windshield.

Anyway, back to Twilight. There are a couple of things that bothered me about the book. A couple of chapters, somewhere past the half way point of the book, that go on about how Edward and his "family" came to be. A bit of history that I could have lived without. It was confusing and hard to read but I guess an important component to the book. I realize it isn't necessary to say "he said," "she said," or "I wondered" after every spoken word but this was lacking a bit and it made it tough to decipher just which character was speaking at certain times. There were also a few places where there was an opening quotation mark but no closing mark so it made it a bit tough to determine when the character was finished speaking and when it turned into their train of thought. I was also annoyed that the author would choose a world like "incredulously" and use it over and over and over again instead of getting out a thesaurus and picking a new one. There are a handful of words she did this with.

I love words. I love to read. I don't consider myself a writer but a lowly person with a passion to let things out in written form and pray that it be inspired and directed by God. I did however, use to work as an Assistant Editor (can you tell?) for a company that created an online educational class that teaches people to become proofreaders. It isn't as easy as I imagined; becoming a proofreader. I didn't think I would love it as much as I did. I didn't realize how much I missed it.

I think I'll be heading to my local Sam's Club to pick up the second book. But, I know there are only four books in the series so far so I think I'll take my time and enjoy it. I'll try anyway.

Todd's reclaim to fame

I love a good list. Typically they contain things such as laundry, grocery shopping, a project I'm working on, etc. Today I thought I'd lighten up the feel of my list with some things that I'm loving lately.

My best friends wedding
When Hailey tells her food "get in my belly"
Snuggling the babies in the church nursery
Helping Todd with homework and getting rewarded with chocolate mouse tracks ice cream
Another close friends bridal shower as she prepared to marry her prince charming, literally, he
LOVES her
When Hailey swirls her hand above her head and asks "can we do that angels all around us thing" when she asks for bedtime prayer
Having girls that know how to make their beds on the top bunk themselves AND put their clean clothes away
A son who unloads the dishwasher and loves to run the vacuum
When Mallory wakes up before the rest of the girls and asks "can we cuddle for a minute, but don't got 'seep' mommy"
Standing beside my son as he raises his hands, yes both hands, to praise his God; I had me an ugly cry!
My shoot sac! Oh how I love thee
The fact that Todd came home after work one day with a gift, wrapped and all for me. It was my new D200! D200, oh how I love thee as well
Learning endless lessons at a very poorly lit fashion show for the Crossroads Crisis Pregnancy Center.
Feeling full and blessed after photographing the Walk-for-Life for the Crisis Pregnancy Center as well.
I love charity work
A good mocha for breakfast
Lunch daily with Mallory and Hailey
Walks to school to pick up Faith and Karli
Warm cups of cider
Cinnamon donuts
An e-mail from an old friend
A phone call from a close friend and preparing to go for a visit and photograph her and her son
Changing leaves
Crisp, cool, air
Evening fires
Twilight; I can't put it down
Extreme Home Makeover Edition who built a 4500 sq. ft. home for a mother of 4 who also took in her 10 nieces and nephews when her sister died! Awesome!
This I know I've mentioned before, but my head in Todd's lap while he runs his fingers through my hair
Snuggling in a warm bed, windows open, and a cool breeze blowing in
although, not good for the throat.

1 Corinthians 10:13
Temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.

I was tempted to ramble and complain about a particular circumstance that continues to occur daily at the twins preschool. I easily bite my tongue now after spending a few moments to reflect on all the good things in my life. The things I enjoy. The things that make me realize just how blessed I am.

Todd recently shared with me his disappointment for his lack of stardom on my blog recently. Explaining how "other woman boast about their husbands on their blogs all the time." I actually told him "well they are expressing thanksgiving and gratitude for all the things their husbands do to make them feel loved." Ouch, right! I soon realized, all though I'm too bull headed to have admitted my wrong and apologized yet, that Todd does all kinds of things on a regular basis to make me feel loved. He sacrifices things daily to accommodate me and express his affection toward me. So what's wrong with me then? I simply took them for granted and began to no longer notice.

So Todd, this is your post babe! The first of many cameos where I'll express my gratitude for the many selfless and loving things you do to let me know how much you love and adore me. Okay, I'm pouring it on a little thick, no. Seriously though. I love you. I'm grateful for you. I'm sorry for taking you and all the things you do for me for granted. xoxo!

Short and Sweet

Can I just tell you all real quick, I'm feeling a bit melancholy. We're having our used costume sale at Polish dance for the next few weeks. We buy our pieces from Poland, very expensive, and so when our children grow out of things we swap them with other families. We make a bit of money back to go toward our new pieces that aren't available at the used costume sale and another family gets to save money at the same time. Great deal, great idea. I typically have nothing to offer because when one grows out of a piece, it just gets passed on to another child. Last year was the twins first dance recital and already they have grown out of jazz shoes and their first pair of rockn', black, patent leather, authentic, polish boots. My heart is broken! I'm done with them. I have no one left to save them for. My babies are closer to five then they are to four! It makes me want to spend the day reading to them on the couch, pushing them on the swing outside, and go for a walk. I better get it all in while they'll still let me!

Humble, Gentle, Meek, Lowly Part II

How do we get it, do we already have it, how do we develop it?

Well, we do already have it.

Galatians 5:22-23
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.

If you are born again and have received also the Holy Spirit then you are already filled with the fruit of the spirit. How? Well we see above the bible says the Spirit is. Just like God is love. The Holy Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. So if the Spirit is all those things and the Spirit lives within us then the fruit of the Spirit also lives within us. It is a seed that needs to be developed.

For instance, you take a picture with a camera of Susie across the room. You have a picture of Susie but others can't see it because it hasn't been developed. You have the fruit of the Spirit within you as a seed that needs to be developed, worked like a muscle, practiced.

How do we develop it?

God puts circumstances in our lives where each of this gifts has the opportunity to be practiced. Our personalities are tested and we reveal the size of that seed in our hearts. While talking in the kitchen with my mother-in-law this weekend I caught myself interrupting her on more than one occasion to share my thought. I clearly remember asking myself as I began to talk over her why I was doing it. How rude! Yet, I did it anyway. That was the Holy Spirit inviting me to exercise patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, and love instead of pride because I obviously thought what I had to say was more important that what she was saying. So mom, if your reading this, sorry for being so rude!

Humility, meekness, and lowliness are all bi-products of each other. Having an awareness of our own faults and defects. Not thinking poorly of ourselves but not too highly either. Without pride.

A common dictionary definition of meekness is "a deficiency of spirit." However Galatians 5:22 refers to meekness as a fruit of the Spirit. When true meekness is produced by the Spirit of God, it is a valuable virtue. Yet the world tends to misperceive it as cowardice, timidity, or a lack of strength. That's not how the Bible defines meekness. It means "to be gentle-hearted." A meek person is the opposite of someone who is vindictive or who harbors bitterness and resentment toward others. Meekness is characteristic of one who is opposed to vengeance or violence. It is a quiet, willing submission to God and to others. A meek person has a mild, gentle, non-retaliating spirit. (John McAurthor)

Not telling off a person when we could is meekness. It is power under control. Anger is not absent from a person who is meek. We still experience anger, but we control our anger.

Take a week or a month even and write down all the silly, worthless, meaningless, offenses that occur in your day to day life. Write down the offense, why you were offended, and your reaction to it. You will quickly see within 24 hours the number times per day your character is tested. You will quickly learn whether you walk in the fruit of the spirit or if you live to seek revenge, in anger, and contempt. You will also be more keen to the still small voice of the spirit that guides your heart, thoughts, and conscience.

In closing...Ephesians 3:16 NIV
I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.

Look it up and keep reading, it gets even better!

I just want to share a funny story with you. This morning from my room I could hear Tyler wincing like he was doing something that hurt. Because Tyler is being raised with a ton of woman and girls he tends to notice things that would ordinarily never be discovered by a typical thirteen-year-old. I went into the bathroom where I found his face in the mirror (not all that uncommon) holding masking tape. I often tease him about the "dirt" on his upper lip, he is coming of age you know. Tyler covets the minor hair that exists on his upper lip but apparently, not so much, the hair that began to grow between his eye brows. Yes people, he was attempting to use masking tape to rip the hair out of his face from between his eyebrows to get rid of what Tyler refers to as, "the uni brow." What is a mom to do? Well, I did the only thing that occurred to me. I pulled out my good ole' Sally Hansen wax tape and ripped the hair from his face the proper way. He went to school this morning with a bright red spot between his eyes where there used to be hair and to top things off, it was a bit shiny because I had gobbed on the oil that comes with the kit to relieve and cool the area. So no, Faith, who is ten and has hair on her legs like an amazon cannot shave but yes, Tyler who is thirteen can wax his uni brow. Go figure!

Humble, Gentle, Meek, Lowly Part I

I am so excited this morning. I just got a full revelation of why certain things have happened in my life the way they have. I have seasons where I just want to go home. For those of you who have followed my blog for a while know that we have recently (4 months ago) moved into my parent's house because our home was foreclosed on. The house is just a house, it's just four walls. I don't miss the stature that I thought came with owning that house. I miss the feeling of "being home." Most days I am perfectly fine, either because I bury it, but more likely, because God's grace is sufficient and I'm learning to be content no matter the situation.

God started to deal with me on some things which were portrayed in my blog yesterday and they came full circle in my life this morning. God is an awesome God! I love it when I begin to get stirred up about something and he then sends a full blown confirmation with scripture to back it up. I often times watch Joyce Meyer as part of my study time to keep a fresh look at God's word. He uses her messages to speak to me, always. Again, if you follow my blog, this is not news. He used her again this morning to speak directly to my heart and directly to my situation.

I mentioned yesterday that I was willing to endure trials in my life to bring glory to God and benefit others. Today, I learned why we need to live through times of brokenness.

If we have too many blessings we become haughty, full of ourselves, think we can do it on our own, that we're better than others, and in doing so we treat people poorly and devalue them. Been there, done that, bought the book. Anyone else?

We need a balance of blessings and trials. That is why Paul was so full of faith in all circumstances, he learned to do both because he knew he needed both. That is why Paul was able to be content in every situation.

The alabaster box must be broken in order to smell the sweet perfume.

Matthew 26:26 NIV
As they were eating, Jesus took some bread and blessed it. Then he broke it in pieces and gave it to the disciples, saying, "take this and eat it, for this is my body."

One of the most famous scriptures. There is a revelation that Joyce taught in her message this morning. A message within the message. Jesus wants to bless us and he wants to give us to the world. But, in the middle, parts of us must be broken. Not destroyed but areas need to be broken off.

It says in the bible that Jesus told Peter that satan wanted to "sift" him. Satan wants to sift us all. He wants to distract us, break our faith, get us out of church, and keep us busy. But, Jesus told Peter "I pray that your faith will not be broken." Jesus was telling Peter I pray for you, I want to bless you, but there is a trial ahead and I won't stop it but I pray you make it through. When we endure a trial or an attack, we come out changed so we can then help others.

We are more patient, we no longer feel full of pride and better than anyone else but are humble. In order to be used by God people need to like us. In order for people to like our personalities, we need a God-like personality, we need to be humble, gentle, meek, and lowly.

Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
Then Jesus said, "come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

Jesus is saying anyone can come to me and I'll make you feel better. Don't we want people to think that of us?

Humility, gentleness, meekness, and lowliness are all fruits of the spirit. How do we get it, do we already have it, how do we develop it? Learn, later this week.