Finding My Place In This World

My personal blog is on the move...

2010-04-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

Although I do love the convenience blogger offers my followers from blogger and Facebook, this blog spot just doesn't work well for me anymore. So, I'm combining my personal blog and photo blogs together. Same me, same content, more images, so why not continue to join me?

You can find all my current and future blog posts here: www.karidawsonphotography.com/blog

Goodbye blogger!

Lord, Change Me.

2009-10-11T11:28:00.001-07:00

I bought a book once, never read it but had good intentions. It was called the A Woman’s Journey towards God or something along those lines. I have gobs of books that I bought with good intentions and never even cracked them open. I also have gobs of books I bought with good intentions, started them, and never finished them. And more still that I’ve cracked open and gotten several days into more than once and haven’t yet finished them. Today marks a new journey for me. One I’ve begun before but always seem to leave behind after a few days or weeks effort.

Today I found myself feeling completely overwhelmed and like I’ve lost all control. The point is that I’m not really in control any way, right? Isn’t it my job to do the praying and let God do the doing? The vast portion of my stress at the moment comes from a total loss I have in how to get through to my teenage son Tyler. I really feel like we’ve done everything right. Yet still his choices are disappointing. My husband bought this book for me, of course, The Power of a Praying Parent. I first discovered its companion, The Power of a Praying Wife and my husband owns The Power of a Praying Husband. I actually said out loud last night, “I need to find a book.” I thought I needed to find a book to teach me how to deal with my son; how to get through to him. Well low and behold, I HAVE the book! Prayer, I realize now, shouldn’t have been my last resort but my first step. The order of our lives should be God first, marriage second, and children third. It’s no secret I consider myself a selfish person and one who is tough to live with so my priorities are often out of line. I’ve known for years that I’m not as nurturing as I’d like to be, or as affectionate, patient, loving, or kind even. Anger and frustration seem to always be my first line of defense. The hubs and I are on day 8 of The Love Dare from the movie Fire Proof and I believe my husband is praying for me daily. Even if I don’t pray for him daily, a deeper love for him grows in me more each day because of his prayers for me. So this morning before I cracked my new parenting book, I cracked open my bible. In the process I also jotted down some scriptures I have highlighted so that my son can look them up and we’re going to talk about those together. Something I should have been doing with him since before he could read but the bible promises restoration (Joel 2:25) so I don’t think it’s too late to start. I then started, yet again, from the beginning with The Power of a Praying Wife and How to Make Your Husband Feel Loved.

I’ve had these doubts about my personality, these defaults I carry with me each day that have a profound effect on my husband and children daily, and not in a positive way. I know all too well though that in order to get to the joy, you first have to go through the pain. In this case, it’s the pain of change. Personal change. My prayers today and each day following must start with Lord please forgive me and Lord change me. Certainly both of those are going to hurt. The notion to correct these defaults does not come from shame or guilt but from a gentle conviction that only the Lord can deliver. Only the Lord has a way of pointing out your faults so blatantly and honestly without reproach yet leaves you with a feeling of determination, commitment, and peace without shame or guilt. So today marks the beginning of a journey I’ve begun before and will continue to begin over and over again until that change finally comes. Not change in my husband’s attitude or behavior or in my son’s attitude or behavior but change in me.

Selfish! Who's selfish? Me?

2009-09-29T06:51:00.001-07:00

A war has been waged against selfishness in me. I'm selfish. It isn't a characteristic I am proud of, however it is one that I have not held as a secret here either. The battle began last week when I heard just ten minutes of one of Joyce Meyer's messages. I also saw last week an episode of Joyce Meyer's that I had seen before. Only, I didn't realize I had already seen it until at least ten minutes into the broadcast. With that came a revelation that it is not merely enough to just HEAR a message. There are times in our lives that we need to get a lesson so badly that when we find scripture that will help us maintain our battle through to victory we need to study it, meditate on it, read it aloud, memorize it, and put it on sticky notes on every surface of our homes until it's finally permanently written on our hearts. It isn't enough to hear it once. Change never comes in one day or hearing a message one time. You know it takes a person an average of performing an act for forty days before it becomes a habit. You have to spend some time on any given subject to really reap the benefits of change and effectiveness in your life. It comes to no surprise that The Love Dare from the movie Fireproof is forty days in length.

Day 1 - The book explains love as being built on two pillars, patience and kindness. So day 1 begins with patience. Learning to hold your tongue and walk in love and not allowing our anger or frustration to be alleviated through our mouths in the form of harmful words. "Anger almost never makes things better. In fact, it usually generates additional problems. But patience stops problems in their tracks...patience is a deep breath." I love this part: "It stops foolishness from whipping its scorpion tail all over the room."

What causes frustration? Selfishness. What causes anger? Selfishness. What causes the vast majority of any and all arguments? Selfishness. We aren't hearing what we want to hear or the other person isn't doing what we want them to do. We aren't getting what we want. Webster defines selfish as being concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. Do you know there is actually no fulfillment found in being selfish? As Joyce Meyer would say, "we get wound up every morning like robots and wander around saying "what about me, what about me, what about me."" But, there is no pleasure in it. We were created to be servants and we find fulfillment in having a servants heart and meeting the needs and doing for those around us. I'm telling ya, I consider myself to have been highly selfish, yet I was miserable!

More on how we did on day 1 and the days following, as we did day 3 this morning, later. In the meantime, the scripture I'll be putting on sticky notes in every room of my home is this. Philippians 2:3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.

And, how about a little assignment for you? If you want to spend some time reading and thinking about true selflessness check out the book of Philippians after you look up the above verse. Read maybe just the first chapter. Paul is a man that was filled with the Lord's love from the top of his to the toes of his feet. Wanting to stay alive even in imprisonment for the sake of others. If given the choice between going home to the Lord of remaining alive and imprisoned, he would choose imprisonment so that more lives with be touched by the good news. That is what it looks like to be Christ like to be filled so overflowingly with His love, to be unselfish that a person would praise God in their suffering because they know it is for the benefit of spreading His love, forgiveness, and salvation. WOW!

Not Just ANY Key!

2009-09-29T06:05:00.001-07:00

Key, a means of access control or possession. This is a key. It's the key to my husband's new Allstate office. It isn't just a key, it isn't just a key to an office. A key can also be defined as, a notched and grooved, usually metal implement that is turned to open or close a lock. No, not just any key but the key to our future. I'm overwhelmed with pride for my husband. For his guts, for his faith, for his trust in the Lord, for his ambition, for his means to access, control, and possess our future. And, not just our future but the future of our children and grandchildren. Hope I'm not pouring on the pressure Todd :) Just kidding. When I started my business there were so many days I wanted to quit and Todd was used as the implement that pushed me off the cliff. Literally, there were days he forced me to forge ahead and not quit. I stand behind him in every manner possible and if necessary force will be used. I have no doubts that while fear may try to rear it's ugly head from time to time I won't have to use force. Todd has an extraordinary will to accomplish his goals and his mom has always said "he never did like to hear the word no."

Isaiah 22:22
I will place on his shoulder the key to the house of David; what he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open.

Make Every Effort to Keep Yourselves United in the Spirit!

2009-09-25T07:25:00.000-07:00

Ephesians 4: 1-6 NLT
Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all.

Paul is speaking to the body of Christ in this passage, however I find it especially key in a marriage as well. We all lead such busy lives allowing our schedules, jobs, and commitments to stand in the way of precious time together. Perhaps that is a grand assumption but I know for my life personally, this is often the case. I take special care to ensure my clients get what is promised to them in the manner of time of which it has been promised. As my husband begins his new business, I'm certain the same will be true for him. We're both in a service industry. I take special care also to ensure my children are prepared for each day, that they feel loved before leaving my side for the day, and getting them on time to where they need to be. I do spend many hours in the week at home alone now but much has already filled the empty spaces of my schedule. I'm not a priority and my marriage has not been a priority. The hubs and I are having date night tonight and I can't remember the last time we shared a meal alone. He's working late and the kids have places to be so there are many nights we don't sit together at meal time at all. This is a temporary season for that and he has my full support to do what he must in order to get his business running. Dinner time used to be one of my favorites times of day. It's been such a rush lately and I miss the laughter, our family games, and hearing about everyone's day.

In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives how do we keep ourselves strong? How do we keep our marriage strong? I do believe that keeping our inner man strong should be our first priority. Spending time with the Lord each day to pray and listen and worship is what we were each created for. I have a trivet my dad bought me that says "7 days without prayer makes one weak." Weak, not week. I can't afford NOT to be in his presence. We can only feel our best and OFFER our best if we are spiritually sound. The Lord's presence fills us with a super natural peace and joy and the more it becomes a daily party of our lives we are blessed with revelation and nuggets we need to accurately pray for those around us. I cannot be a good wife and support my husband and meet his needs if I'm running on empty, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Your marriage will dry up real quick. Yes, I speak from experience. Is it enough to ensure we are solid as a rock inside to develop an amazing relationship with Jesus and not have communion with our mates? Do we HAVE to pray together? Absolutely, YES! MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO KEEP YOURSELVES UNITED IN THE SPIRIT! Straight from the bible.

The hubs leaves for work much later than he used to so it has afforded us the time to have breakfast and a cup of coffee together in the morning. If we push the clock back and get up just a bit earlier we'll have more time, private time, together in the morning to start our days fresh and right. We made an attempt to get through The Love Dare from the movie Fireproof some time ago and didn't get very far so I'm hoping to spend our mornings in God's word together and in prayer and in having time alone when the house is pretty quiet and the TV is off. I'll keep you posted on our discoveries and share with you how it's going.

You always get the truth with me here. Those who know me personally often believe I'm a strong tower and I have it all together and I even make it look easy. But, to be honest I don't have it all together. I think I push it down and pretend to be to keep from falling apart. I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and food on the table and clothes on my back for me and my family. However, I'm not gonna lie. I dream of the day when I feel like we've got our fresh start and I have my family back. I enjoy my parent's company and so appreciate the huge help they have been on so many levels over the last year; however it just isn't the same as having your family in your own space. I think we all still feel a little disjointed and in the last year we've lost track of a lot of things we used to enjoy as a family and I'm afraid our bonds might be loosened a bit too much. It could just as well be anxiety from all the change that has recently occurred. Tyler in high school, Faith in middle-school, my babies are in school all day and ready to give up their security blankets any day. I have to daily fight back the urge to reign them all back in.

So make time for the Lord, make Him your center and the center of your marriage and family! Don't take for granted those you have around you and assume you'll always be able to get by. My husband has a heart of steal and patience beyond measure and he is the glue that has kept us together. But, day by day another thread gets weaker and weaker. I can no longer expect that his tolerance will last forever or that our marriage void of daily communion together and before the Lord will last forever without it. For us, even when things aren't 'great' they're still pretty good so I'm looking forward to going back up a few notches, looking forward to restoration, looking forward to falling in love again.

Wow where has the time gone?

2009-09-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged on a personal level since May! I initially started by blog for me. I then started my own photography business, became addicted to flickr, and managing my business and it and before long I felt like I didn't have time to read the other blogs I enjoy. I felt as though the blog world is a comment for comment type thing. I'm going to continue to blog for me as a creative outlet and to hopefully reach others through my own personal challenges and trials. There are blogs I do love and read and enjoy when I can. If you enjoy my blog and you want to be a follower and leave blog love I certainly appreciate it but please don't be offended if I don't return the favor. In my life the Lord comes first, my family second, my clients and business after that and when I have time for myself to blog and catch up on others I will.

Anyway, on to what's really going on in my head this week. My oldest son Tyler started high school this week. I drove him to school his first day and even though he was trying to smile, he's just like me, he wears his emotions on his face; he just can't hide it. What I saw absolutely broke my heart and I empathized with him so much my eyes flooded. Behind his half smile was sheer terror and panic. A brand new school, probably the smallest student, and he had no idea where he was going and knew he'd be forced to ask teachers for assistance all day. As a freshman, that just isn't cool or so I'm certain he was thinking. Tyler's attending the same high school I went to and driving from the same home. It seems like just yesterday I was ripping up the roads like Mario Andretti taking the same route in my Dodge Daytona and yet the day has arrived that my first born is in high school. I'm actually contemplating home-schooling to avoid this feeling of my heart being ripped from my chest everyday.

Faith started middle school and in true Faith style, it's all gone off without a hitch. She is just cool as a cucumber, uber confident, and settling into her new routine like a pro. She hops out of bed immediately and makes sure her body, teeth, and room are all clean and still has time to spare. Tyler's schedule before he leaves collides with Faith but they just stay out of each other's way and I never hear a peep between them.

Karli is in her last year at elementary school and she is geeked to the sky to have been chosen for Safety Squad. She also eats lunch early so she can help out the kindergartner's in the lunch room during their lunch. In the lunch room each day Karli will find my babies. Yes my twins are in all day kindergarten! They have separate teachers which happen to be at polar opposite ends of the school which isn't fun but we're figuring it out. Karli last year could barely get her self together and I often times had to follow her around the house to ensure she was ready on time. This year, she's got herself together and even though I'd prefer she not, she insists on helping Mallory and Hailey. Karli is showing significant signs of maturing and responsibility; it's a miracle people!

I'm doing my best to make sure Faith does what she needs to do upstairs while Karli is still sleeping and when Karli gets up they switch to try and avoid each other as much as possible in the morning. I'm not sure what it is about the pair of them but at this point, they just clash. I feel blessed to still be at home in the morning to walk them to school, although I have to admit, that walk home by myself is brutal. Hopefully that anxiety and temptation to just bring them home with me everyday will subside and soon.

I've been very busy shooting this summer and maintaining my photo blog. The hubs graduated with his bachelors degree in May and finally finished up his final class in July. Wow was that a tough season. Then August 28th was his official last day at General Motors. We decided together to mutually separate from GM and we're in the process of opening up an Allstate Insurance Agency; doors are slated to open December 1st. I'm committed to making this a family business and intend to be Todd's office manager until we have our processes and procedures hammered down and things running like a well oiled machine. So Allstate will become a priority over my business. It doesn't mean my business and clients won't get the same top notch they get now, it just means I'll likely be shooting less and booked farther in advance. At least for now. I'm certain our family has some growing pains and some challenges again but nothing we can't handle. And, on the other side of it all lies the promise land.

For those of you who've followed my blog for some time may way to know our finances continue to look better and better all the time. We've accomplished a lot in the year we've been out of our house and have big goals set for the near and distant future. We've stepped up our commitment in the service arena at church and fully expect that the Lord is preparing us for me as our church prepares to obtain a building of our own and grow leaps and bounds in the coming years. Todd and I are both excited to see where God takes our church and how he plans to use us in the process.

I've missed you blog land!

Joyce Meyer Ministries

2009-05-12T07:21:00.001-07:00

This morning I watched the most moving Joyce Meyer broadcast and just had to share: Joyce Meyer Broadcast. It is WORTH the 30 min. of your time!

Awe-Summm!

2009-05-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned yesterday, Melissa over at Home is where your story begins passed this Awe-Summm award onto me! I always knew I was a queen! Yes, I feel super special! After you finish getting your daily dose from me, you may want to head over to Melissa's blog, check her out and let her know you stopped by. Melissa and I found each other's blogs and connected through I Heart Faces and I just adore her sweet spirit. And, while your at it check out Carrie (cool name, I know) over at Martin Manor Happenings as well.

Now... I am to list 7 things that make me Awe-Summm and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers I love. Make sure to tag the recipients and let them know they have won! Also link back to the Queen that tagged me.

1. My five kids are not the sit-behind-the-tv or play-video-games-all-day kinda kids. They have energy, lots of it! The very last thing my kids need is sugar. So I try to keep my kiddos eating as health as I can. I pick up things like Honey-Nut Cheerios and Cinnamon Life cereals for breakfast. I'd love to make the move over to a multi-grain waffle. I buy tons, and I mean tons of fruit and they always eat it all up. My girls take salads to school for lunch much of the time. I prefer they snack on yogurt and string cheese. I'm not totally rotten though and I have a rampid sweet tooth of my own so I do buy a few 'delicacies' for their lunches. So I feel Awe-Summm when I come home from the grocery store and my kids overwhelm me with thanks and love and hugs and kisses because I bought Nilla Wafers and applesauce!

2. This is NOT easy! I don't know that there are too many things I can say I are so cool about me that I'm awesome or that I do that make me awesome. I don't want to be haughty. But, when Monday comes to a close and my laundry is done and my there is a full week of freshly pressed stuff in the closet for the hubs; I'm Awe-Summm!

3. Talking my daughter Karli into trying out for the Talent Show at school by herself instead of relying on a friend due to stage fright without her even knowing, I think that makes me Awe-Summm! Karli is super talented and such an entertainer. She's stuck dead middle in our family and I wanted her to have some light of her own. Auditions are today. She chose I Might Even be a Rockstar by Hannah Montana because, well, Karli is a rockstar!

4. Tyler has had a rough year finding his place at the new school and adjusting. He's pretty shy and doesn't have a very good self-esteem and got pretty weary about it. So being the Awe-Summm mom that I am, I gave him a fresh, super cool and stylish haircut so he's super handsome and updated his wardrobe with a few pieces from those designer shops that he thinks he "has to wear."

5. I do have four other kids to clothe though so we picked up the brands he wanted and saved a ton of money by hitting the clearance section at the perfect time and hit up a resale shop that carries those brands as well. Making a teenage boy feel more confident about himself while spending the same amount I would have at Target; that's Awe-Summ!

6. Paid off a car this week, uh yeah, that's Awe-Summm! Thank you to a Lord who supplies, my hard working hubs who is disciplined, and the IRS!

7. This final one isn't really about how Awe-Summm I am at all. It's about how Awe-Summm the hubs is to me and how Awe-Summm my bloggy friends who keep me going are!

I now pass this dazzling award on to:

Erica - Happy Anniversary girl!

Leslie - One of the loveliest ladies in blog land and wise beyond her years!

Tabbie - How she always knows just where I am!

Jen V - Check out her awesome photo blog! Jen is super dear to me!

Melissa - Who I hope is continuing on her road to restoration!

Cindy - Super sweet lady!

Becca - Love staying up-to-date with her family!

What are you so angry about?

2009-05-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

I opened up my e-mail to find a super surprise from Melissa over at Home is where your story begins who donned my blog with a sweet award, more on that tomorrow...

I've been thinking a lot about anger and unforgiveness lately and what it does to the relationships around me. I read a quote yesterday, "the greatest power a person possesses is the power to choose." Each time our brain recognizes or produces a feeling we have a choice to make. In the case of an offense or anger we can choose to deny that feeling. Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and sin not. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. It's okay to get angry, it's okay to have our feelings hurt, it's what we do with those emotions that we need to be careful about. It's a tough thing to decide that when you get angry about something big or small that you'll go to the father with it first and foremost, he is the one we can vent to. Then allow the Holy Spirit to guide our next steps. Often times, we want to go straight to the source and let em' have it! But, the Lord on the other hand will request that we forgive immediately instead. It's acceptable and often times necessary to still discuss the issues you have with the other person but do so carefully and with love. Ask the Holy Spirit to intercede and guide your words and your conversation. Walking in love is not an easy thing to do. It isn't a natural part of our make-up, our character, it takes work. Just like we need to exercise our muscles and bodies, we need to exercise our reactions, forgiveness, and walking in love.

The sad part truly is the stronghold even a small thing can have on a relationship. Lack of communication causes strife and allows to much room for each person to make assumptions. Isn't it so easy for us to always assume the worst of another and make the problem so much larger in our own minds? Be angry and sin not. No matter how small and silly the matter may seem you must communicate with the person(s) involved to resolve issues. Small offenses gradually build on top and they become really super huge issues and graduate to a point where neither party can nor wants to relate to the other's point of view. If you let it go long enough, it becomes too late in some cases. If you let it go long enough, one party or the other might quite, just might get to a point where they can't imagine a peaceful solution and build walls around their heart. Where do you have anger and unforgiveness in your life today? Is it a dad who is angry with a son? A wife who feels taken for granted? A family member who has offended you too many times? A husband that feels neglected. Meditate on that for a while today. Ask the Lord to reveal to you any area of your life where you need to forgive, search your heart, and ask the Lord to reveal to you also who you may need to seek for forgiveness. Ouch! I know.

Acts 10:38 And you know that God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with power. Then Jesus went around doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with him. Jesus went about doing good because the Holy Spirit was with him. We are anointed with the same power and have access to the same Holy Spirit, go about today doing good to all today.

I've chosen a path, no longer luke warm, starring at the fork in the road.

2009-04-29T07:20:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can't believe it's been nearly a month since my last post. I got a little burnt out from trying to cram too much into each morning and took a necessary break. I've been in the word, the hubs and I are in agreement on a few things, and have chosen a path instead of continuing to look at the fork in the road.

I've had a few things stirring in me for some time and the hubs and I have made some preliminary decisions but continue to pray about them to ensure we're in the will of God before we make any commitments. We've been praying independantly but it's time for corporate prayer. We're praying a lot about our home church and the area of the state in which we'll continue to raise our children because the two are certainly connected. I also feel as though we are being called up, preparing for change or for promotion. But, before we can be relied upon there are a few things we need to change at home both personally and on a family level.

I've said before that I've been saved for more than ten years but I didn't surrender and commit to a relationship with Jesus until January, 2008. I've been learning more and more how to walk in the spirit and follow peace to remain within the will of God. There are a few things that won't change very soon because although we know they will change, we aren't released to do so yet; like where we live. Todd and I have each had our own independent devotional time and personal relationship with the Lord but have yet to really incorporate them together. And, although we each pray for our children and pray general prayers with them before meals and bedtime we haven't really prayed with them, not specifically or specifically enough. We also need some devotional time with our children so they aren't just studying on their own but it's a corporate family activity. God is calling us to be a Godly family, to walk in the spirit together and to truly train our children in the Lord and prepare them to be Godly adults and not just look like a Godly family.

If any of you follow me on Facebook you will know I quoted Joyce Meyer this morning who said "much like we have to wind up the alarm clock to prepare us for the day, the first thoughts we have while lying there in the morning wind us up for the day." Much like we have to set a clock, we need to set our minds! It's time to make a decision once and for all to get our hearts right, to get our body's right, to get our homes right. Once you make up your mind to do something, nothing can detour or persuade you otherwise. It's time to get fit in mind, body, and soul and teach our children to do the same. It starts first thing, every morning.

If we get ourselves right the rest will fall into place. I know this through personal experience. We have always had an abundance of grace and mercy upon us and I can only image as we go deeper in the Lord how much richer our lives will be. I'm ready to be called up, to get promoted. I'm ready to not only be a hearer of the word but a doer also. I'm ready to be used by God. I didn't endure all that I have in my life just to accumulate a testimony that will never be shared. God uses everything for his glory. I'm ready to be used! Send me!

Hebrews 12:14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord.

I am salt and light but those who are not holy will not see it and will not be seasoned if I live a mediocre, luke warm life.

Peace be with you!

2009-04-07T06:42:00.000-07:00

My family had the craziest month of March. The hubs had an insane school schedule attending every Monday and Tuesday evening, after working all day. Two weekends out of the month he'd take Friday off work to attend school for eight hours on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He always had assignments that needed to be completed when he arrived at class on Friday, assignments due on Saturday and Sunday, followed by a final project due one week after the weekend class in addition to his regular studies for his Monday and Tuesday classes. All five kids danced in their polish dance recital on April 4th which was a three hour program. The kids had dance for four hours on Thursday and Friday evening to prepare. I had the bright idea of being costume mom this year which I truly enjoyed but it was a lot more time consuming that I thought it would have been. Tyler and Karli performed in five dances which means five different costumes for each of them, Faith in six, and the twins in four each. In addition to ensuring the costumes pieces for all my own children were perfect, I was busy sewing and hemming for lots of other families as well. Truth be told, I let the crazy schedule take over and haven't spent much time reading the word. I swear, my soul was so dry, my bones ached!

So, I set aside some time for me this morning, for the Lord actually. I watched Joyce Meyer whose message was about our path to living in peace. The first thing she said was "Are you confident? Do you like yourself?" I am and I do. But, had you asked me yesterday, my answer may have been different.

You see, if your mind and heart are not filled with the spirit of God and His word, it will be filled with something else. What's circling in your thoughts today? What lies are you listening to? Are you consumed about how you'll pay your bills, if you'll keep your job, how you rate and compare to wonder woman who lives next door, or how your tomatoes rate compared to hers? One of my all time favorite scriptures! Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I've made mistakes and there are times when I face them daily and ponder on them. I think about my failures. I found the more time I spent away from the word the more preoccupied my thoughts became with my mistakes. I was feeling like a lousy person and a lousy mom and a lousy wife because I have failed them in some ways. But, today! Today I can say that I am confident and I do like who I am. I'm aware of those mistakes and I'm not proud of them, but I refuse to let myself be held in the bondage of shame and guilt.

We need to get in agreement with what the Lord says and thinks about us and quit agreeing with the devil! We are the righteous of God on Christ and he loves us! 2 Corinthians 5:21 For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. Not because of anything I did or you did, not because we have earned it or that it's even possible to be earned, but because of what Jesus did.

So how do we get that peace? To start, we need to quit spending our time trying to control our circumstances and learn to control ourselves! Then, we chase peace, it doesn't just fall upon us, we have to seek it out and determine to put it on! John 14:27 "I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid.

We become patient when we learn to exercise patience, we grow wisdom when we learn to exercise wisdom, we gain peace when we learn to exercise peace. When we determine to not throw a fit over every little thing, to not get upset, to not disagree all the time with every decision another person makes or does that we don't agree with. But when we decide it's time that we cannot control what other do, what others think, we can't control the milk that has already spilled and command it back into the cup. When we decide to choose peace, to not act outwardly, breathe deeply and say I'm trusting Jesus. Easier said than done, I know. I'm like the queen of let's get upset about everything and control and change our circumstances but I'm committed to this journey to peace for me and for my family.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

2009-03-24T11:22:00.001-07:00

I must warn you, this post will give away details of the book so if you are reading or want to read it, don't read this post.
While reading a blog, written by I can't remember who, she mentioned the book A Thousand Splendid Suns written by Khaled Hosseini who also wrote The Kite Runner which I have not read. She was looking for the next "it" book. She read the Twilight series, as did I, which left us both thinking about it for days and even weeks after completing the series. So, she was looking for the next book that could hold a candle to Twilight and found it in this novel. The hubs happened to be at the library when I read this so I asked him to pick it up. I had no idea what it was about and when I read the inside leaflet of the hardcover, I wasn't sure I was going to like it. But, the reviews were amazing. So, I picked it up and read over 170 pages in the first day.
I love to go through my books with a highlighter to save the sections that really appeal to me and found myself quite frustrated because I can't use a highlighter in this book that has to go back to the library. So instead, it has lots of yellow, sticky, flags sticking out of it.
To give you a brief idea, the book is about two different generations of characters growing up in Afghanistan and crosses the Soviet invasion, the reign of the Taliban, and post-Taliban. The author has a magical way of hiding historical fact in his glorious writing and really gives you a feel for how hard life was and is in Afghanistan for the people who live there.
The first part of the story revolves around Mariam Jo and begins in her ninth year of life. She is a child that was born out of wedlock so she and her mother are a disgrace to their family and the family of the man that created her. Mariam Jo's father keeps her and her mother stowed away in a very small home outside of both major nearby towns but he comes to visit once per week. He is a wealthy man but has supplied them with only bare essentials. What I find ironic is that it is common in the culture, at least in the 50s for men to have more than one wife and this man, Jalil had two wives and ten other children all living in his home. The first sticky in the book is in regards to Mariam Jo and her father.
"When it was time for Jalil to leave, Mariam always stood in the doorway and watched him exit the clearing, deflated at the thought of a week that stood, like an immense, immovable object, between her and his next visit. Mariam always held her breath as she watched him go. She held her breath and, in her head, counted seconds. She pretended that for each second that she didn't breathe, God would grant her another day with Jalil."
Despite her mother's anger and rantings against Jalil, Mariam was a small child hopelessly longing to be with her father. You will suffer with her as she learns that everything her mother warned her about is true. Her father is ashamed of her and she is a disgrace. Her life alone with her mother is the best her life will ever be, at least in the first portion of the book. As part I draws to a close her mother has already committed suicide and her father has forced her to marry a fat, smoker, near his fifties, though she is only fifteen. At first she is scared, homesick, and misses her mother but a slowly she begins to connect with her husband. She finds herself full of hope and love when she gets pregnant with her first child but it's shattered when she loses this child and eight more and her husband becomes abusive. In their four years together he has kept her isolated, unable to be friends with the woman in the neighborhood because they are "modern" and forces her to be covered from head to toe when she leaves the home. When he entertains his male friends, she must stay in her own room; she doesn't share one with her husband.
The second sticky is the last in part I and I've come to the point where she is completely incapable of doing anything that pleases her husband. She has been accused of being incapable of preparing a decent meal and ruined the rice. Her husband has strewn it everywhere and storms out. When he returns he forces her to chew a handful of pebbles, breaking two of her molars, to inform her of how badly her rice tastes.
"Good," Rasheed said, His cheeks were quivering. "Now you know what your rice tastes like. Now you know what you've given me in this marriage. Bad food, and nothing else."
I'm just about finished with part II and I promise it's a bit more hopeful than part I but in many cases, not. The the hopelessness of the history of this country is almost hidden in the background because of the powerful bonds the author shares with us. It's an amazing book and for a woman who isn't college educated or up to par on history, I'm smarter for it.

Small Things Part III

2009-03-20T06:26:00.000-07:00

Tyler has a "girlfriend" and we have a discussion every single day about this relationship. He's approaching fourteen and I set my expectations and boundaries very clearly. He is way to young and immature of mind and emotion to be holding hands and if I ever catch his lips on hers, his butt is mine! And, in my opinion, a true gentleman has the utmost respect for all girls and woman which is why when Tyler deleted one of Karli's favorite shows from the DVR list he was in big trouble. It's petty, immature, and disrespectful! TV is unimportant so I did have a chat with Karli about not getting so upset about it, it's just TV, it doesn't matter but for Tyler to take action just to spite her is unacceptable and not the way the Lord intended us to treat each other.
God's word is very clear, men and woman alike are to keep their eyes, thoughts, and actions pure. So, we talk about things every day so the boundaries stay clear and ensure he doesn't get too close to crossing them. Temptation is not fought while holding the cookie jar, you have to lay the temptation at the alter before you even get near the cookie jar.

Without giving away all our secrets, Tyler understands that he will reap in his marriage what he sows as a young man. I've been teaching him to open the door for me, for his sisters, and I encourage him to treat Jessie the same way. To carry her books and/or backpack and to know that he can be a true gentleman without crossing those boundaries. In the end, she will respect him more for this. We talk about how girls might behave if they don't feel loved at home to ensure that he and Jessie both are not seeking false intimacy and love in places outside the home. When he asks if he can go the movies with her, it's a rhetorical question because he already knows the answer is absolutely not. He knows he won't be wondering around the mall with her, or any of his friends for that matter, any time soon. I will allow him to attend a dance after school for now. But, when it comes to high school, you bet your bottom dollar I'll be a chaperon! The principles and foundation of a Godly relationship and eventually marriage have been clearly defined for Tyler since birth and I trust that when he achieves the age of maturity he'll be capable of making good decisions. Let's be honest though, teens are completely incapable of determining consequences and it's my responsibility as a good parent to form guidelines and boundaries to keep him from being faced with temptation that he is just not mature enough to handle. I'm not yet confident in his ability to say "no" to certain things yet; not because I don't trust him but because he just isn't ready.
Last week, Tuesday he informed me when he came home without his sweatshirt that it was because Jessie was wearing it. "She was cold" is all he said. Well, being that I'm teaching him to be a gentleman and all, I actually think it's okay but I could be wrong here. So later he tells me "I learned that each person has their own unique scent. Jessie said I smell good and it's not the Axe mom, so maybe it's that, maybe she's attracted to me because of my unique smell." Ah, yes, the small things, the small moments. I do adore them. I think he's just cute as a button although, he'd die of embarrassment if he ever heard me say that. For now, I find it to be harmless and having been a teen myself, not all that long ago, I'm happy with the boundaries we've got in place. I think we've given Tyler enough freedom to be himself but not enough room for him to make mistakes that can't be undone. Not to mention, the hubs has a really keen sense when things are off or wrong so that combined with prayer and mother's intuition leaves me feeling pretty confident in my decisions. I find it funny though, there are some that will have the opinion that I'm way to harsh and still, others who think Tyler shouldn't even be allowed to consider a relationship with a female at this point in his life. But, for our family, I think we've found a balance and as long as the hubs and I are in agreement, what more could I ask for? I do have a sneaky suspicion though that raising a teenage boy is going to be a cinch compared to my girls. I wonder if I'll still appreciate those small moments then? Wonder if the hubs will? My poor hubby, I don't think he has a clue what he's in for! The hubs has been telling me for years "don't sweat the small stuff." I think I've arrived, but there could soon be a day when I'll be giving him a dose of his own medicine. Let's hope not.
Tyler is struggling a bit in school, still getting acclimated to the new school, finding his place there and building upon the friendships he's made this year. His grades have slipped a bit. Tyler just got his braces on Tuesday followed by a fresh haircut. I'm hoping that combined with a new season of sports and more extra curricular activities that his self esteem will be boosted over the next couple of months. He plans to try out for the football team to play in high school next week which I think is a great idea. The team practices and works out in a weight room all summer. So if he's a part of the team then on that first day of school he'll feel more confident, will have formed stronger bonds with friends and made some new ones. So hopefully he'll enter that first day already feeling like he's a part of something. I'm a firm believer that the more involved kids and parent's alike are in school the easier it is for kids to feel free to be themselves and feel accepted by others and the bonus of that is, better grades! It took me until my thirties to not be hung up on other people's opinions and not care whether I belonged or not so I don't expect him to get it at this point. I remember all to well how tough high school really can be.
My husband will continue to keep Tyler in prayer and seek the Lord's divine intervention to help him seek healthy friendships, to feel confident, and perform well academically.

Small Things Part II

2009-03-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

There are tons more small things like the way Mallory squished herself onto the dining room chair with Tyler to eat her ice cream and he didn't mind. The way I caught Mallory in my rear view mirror checking out the scenery out the window and fiddling with her hat. I love watching each of them, when they don't they're being watched. The way Hailey goes from child to child each morning confirming they are still her "best friend." The way Tyler rides his bike up on the days Karli stays after school for book club so Faith doesn't have to walk home alone. They way Faith helped me make dinner, had no idea what she was doing, and it still tasted good. The noodles were totally stuck to the bottom of the pan though. And, the way she asked if there was anything she could do to help clean up, even though she helped me make it.

One thing I often don't appreciate is how ridiculously long it can take Karli to get something done. Tuesday after book club we had dinner and between the hours of 5:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. she had to get her room cleaned up, put her clean clothes away, and make sure she got done any homework she had. Her room wasn't really messy, her bed needed to be straightened a bit and she had a few items of dirty clothing on the floor, no biggie. I know how ridiculous it is for a child to straighten her bed before she sleeps in it but whatever, leave me alone. She didn't have any pressing homework, just working on a few things that are due later in the week, I love that about her, but it still took her all three hours to do it. I'm a zip, zip, boom, boom kinda person that doesn't mess around so I can't relate to this poky mentality of hers but I'm really starting to appreciate our differences and encourage her to do it her own way. This makes it very hard for me to not lose my cool when it's five minutes before we need to leave for school and she's still in her p.j.'s and she's been up for an hour and a half. But, I love her and everything doesn't have to be done the way I would do it. Seriously though, she does keep a hairbrush in her backpack because she almost always has to brush it on her way to school. Sheesh!

A bit more on Tyler tomorrow!

The end of my childhood...

2009-03-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

Writer's Workshop, sponsored by Mama Kat.

Well, I guess it comes to no surprise that, that moment would be when I was the ripe old age of seventeen and gave birth to my first child. Yeah, yeah, I’ve chatted about it from time to time here on the good ole’ blog so you all already know how young I was. But, I thought I’d delve a bit deeper here.
Although we didn’t attend the same high school, I still consider the hubs to be my high school sweetheart because well, I was in high school after all. One summer the not-the-hubs (at the time) was expected in the Washington D.C. area for a family wedding and decided he wanted to bring me along. The week before, I was expected to go on vacation with my family; camping in Tennessee. So the not-the-hubs came with me on my family vacation; sounds like a good plan for a sixteen-year-old in love no? Anyway, we camped with my family then took a Greyhound to the D.C. area. It’s about an 8 hour drive that literally took 24 on that God forsaken bus! Not fun times I tell ya. I’m positive that vacation is what clinched our future together, okay it’s when Ty was conceived.
Skip ahead to the fall of 1994, I was in my senior year of high school and just broke the news to the not-the-hubs. That same night I HAD to tell my mom. I’ve never really been very good at keeping secrets. Apparently, it wasn’t a secret at all, she knew before I did and was just waiting for me to tell her. Dad who was already sleeping was stirred and knew something was up, but mom covered for me until the next day. So dad gets home from work the next day and we decide we need to fill him in. We ask him to sit down and he says, of all things, “what for, she about to tell me she’s pregnant or something.” Uh, yeah dad, you stole my punch line!
My parent’s made it clear this is not what they had hoped for but I had their full support behind me. My mother-in-laws reaction has been erased from my memory. I can’t honestly remember a thing she said. But, she was nice to me, supportive when we got married and she’s always been one to tell me like it is, none the less, I’m sure she felt the same as my parent’s. It wasn’t so much what they said but let’s be real, this was their worst nightmare!
There was a lot of nausea, a wretched kidney infection that kept me in the hospital for a week and out of school for the remainder of the pregnancy (my doctor was a saint), lots of nights begging Todd to stay instead of running free with his friends, one really bad Chinese dinner where it wasn’t just nausea, and a couple of baby showers. I got so thin in the beginning, the girls at school started to tell me I looked good! If only they knew!
While lying in that hospital bed, the not-the-hubs proposed to me and asked if he could be the hubs. It was Valentine’s Day. So Tyler was born in May, I graduated high school (with honors might I add) in June, and we were married in August of 1776, I mean 1995.
I will never forget the instant, unequivocal, unconditional love I felt for that boy and still do today, both of them actually. Todd was quickly ushered out of the room before his head hit the floor but he returned shortly. He didn’t leave the room quick enough though because dad who was waiting very impatiently outside the door had been informed that the baby was born so he thought he’d let himself in. For you moms, having just given birth no more than three minutes ago, having your dad storm the room is not the perfect timing. Thank God for those sheets that hung in front of the doors! Shew, my dad was spared a lifetime of his own nightmares.
Tyler was perfect but, my butt was still huge, I felt like the” well” that fed the kid would hurt for the rest of my life, and I just may never be able to sit again. But, Tyler was perfect. Our parent’s were perfect, except for when they overstayed and/or turned a short visit into a houseful of guests which often included a meal as well. They did it out of love though, this I know.
My fiancé’, our new baby, and I lived in the basement at my parent’s house until after the wedding when we bought, you guessed it, a double wide! Actually, it was only a single but I couldn’t resist. My life sounds like a country song for pete sake! It was our home and we really loved it. Too bad that was all we loved. The rest really isn’t even worth mentioning because it was just pure misery. Fighting over who’d change the diaper, I worked, Todd didn’t. We had no idea what the heck we had gotten ourselves into and we were a hot mess. This was definitely the most trying time of our marriage. I wanted to quit and throw in the towel each and every day. I thank Jesus daily for Todd’s persistence, strength, patience, and perseverance. I also thank Him daily for finally getting a hold of our lives. I can just imagine the mess it would be had we been left to our devices.
Tyler was a strong-willed little bugar from the very start. Full of life and energy and the eagerness to touch everything he was supposed to. To find out what all the rules were so he could intentionally break em’ all. Thank God that all changed after he turned five. Since then he’s been such a sweet boy with a sweet spirit and a tender heart. He’s been one we could always talk to. Enforce consequences when he breaks the rules but he responds quickly and reverts back to the proper path. He truly is a good boy. He’s naïve for his age, not a bit street smart at all, and I think he’ll always be a mama’s boy. I don’t mind a bit!

The Small Things

2009-03-11T06:18:00.000-07:00

When I first left my full time job years ago to stay at home with the kids, I was anxious, I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, and really lacked the confidence that it could even really be done. I thought for sure I would screw them all up and in some ways, I'm still afraid I have. The hubs worked 12 hours per day, 7 days per week. I won't lie, the days were looooong; I couldn't wait for Todd to get home. The weekends, worse. I spent a lot of weekends hanging out at my parent's house so I could still at least be surrounded by other adults. Mind you, at this point, I just had Tyler, Faith, and Karli and the idea of having another, let alone twins, was non-existent! It just wasn't gonna happen people!

I realize now in looking back, I was young and naive and all that propaganda but the bigger picture is I was selfish. I didn't want to put for the effort it took to play games, to keep them from arguing, to give them an outlet to release their energy, and I sure didn't want to cook dinner. I didn't mind doing everything else that was necessary around the house and at the time, I even preferred it to getting on the floor with my kids.

With the birth of the twins, after the fear of never shutting my eyes again disappointed, I was so full. I had so much peace and so much joy. We had very little in terms of a house and fortune and well, not much has changed there, but the Lord has been faithful to supply our every need and we really have what's most important, a strong bond, a biblical foundation and Christ as the center of our lives. Over the years, I have become more and more domesticated, as the hubs likes to put it. I take the brunt of the responsibility for almost everything that makes our home function. I'm the wife and mom and really am aware that ministering to my family is the calling that is first and foremost in my life. Don't get me wrong though, the hubs is pretty fantastic and very reliable, even in a pinch.

The more I pray for my husband and children, the more I am filled with this supernatural love. An even bigger desire to care for each of them, to spend time with them, and notice and appreciate all the small stuff. The joy of the Lord is truly my strength. My eyes have been wide open lately, so I thought I'd share a few of the small things with you. I think I'll have to break it into a few posts though because there's a lot.

Saturday, it was just the girls and I, the hubs was at school and Tyler spent the day with my brother and sister-in-law. We headed to Sam's Club to do our grocery shopping. We headed first toward the restroom and walked past a lady handing out samples. She asked Hailey if she wanted it and if she liked peanut butter and chocolate. Hailey was being shy, so she said no. The lady thought Hailey must have come in on a spaceship, and said nearly as much to her. Faith walked away saying "oh nice, nice thing to say to a child, that was inappropriate." She's so protective but it fills my heart. So, as we continue to the restroom Hailey hears this lady continue to go on about her sample and says "it taste like a candy bar." I caught her saying this earlier when we first entered but didn't catch the second time around but Hailey must have because she said quietly to herself "candy bar, I should've said yes." It still cracks me up today. She's such a funny girl! So I didn't take her to get a sample of the candy bar/energy bar thing they were giving out but they did have some samples of strawberry shortcake whipped up that she loved. My girls LOVE shopping on the weekends because they always leave full. It's a thing about Sam's Club they picked up from Grandma Ofiara. Yeah, we're a goofy bunch. It is such a
small moment and would have gone unnoticed this time last year but I'm grateful for the small things.

It is praying for each other that really connects us and I'm so glad to finally have the full revelation of that in my life.

Tagged and a miracle event

2009-03-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

Tagged by Love's Story!
Here's how it works:
1. Go to your Picture Folder on your computer or wherever you store your pictures.
2. Go to the 6th Folder and then pick the 6th Picture.
3. Post it on your bloggy and tell the story that goes with the picture.
4. Tag 5 other glorious peoples to do the same thing and leave a comment on their bloggy tellin’ about it.

This is a moment from the annual banquet for Crossroads Crisis Pregnancy Center her in Rochester, MI. I had the pleasure of having my name dropped in a hat when they were looking for a photographer for their annual Walk-a-thon this past summer and I was asked to come back to photograph the banquet. The annual banquet is a big fundraiser for the center and they had over 750 guests! It was an amazing and blessed event. The key-note speaker was none other than, Nick Vujicic!

You can read Nick's story here: http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/.

And watch this incredible Youtube video here...

Nick is a phenominal man of God and a true blessing to every person he encounters!

The Crossroads Crisis Pregnancy center's work is so important to me because of how my family began. I was fifteen when I met my husband and we began to date. At the age of sixteen, I came home with him one evening to inform my parent's that they were expecting their first grandchild. Married at the age of seventeen and the rest, as they say, is history.

I can't explain why, but abortion was not an option for me. But, this isn't the case for so many woman and teens who face the trauma of an unexpected pregnancy every day in this city, state, and across the country. I had two warm and supportive families to turn to, mine and Todd's. When they say "it takes a village" it isn't merely a cliche. I'll continue to contribute my prayers, time, and talents to an orgization that is so near and dear to me and stand alongside them as they nurture one soul at a time.

The center is in existance for this reason...

They are an organization of people who care about you! As an organization of concerned Christians, they are committed to helping you deal with the critical life issues surrounding your pregnancy. Whether you are single or married, whether your pregnancy was planned or not, whether this is your first pregnancy or not, they are there to help. They offer physical, emotional, and spiritual support to all regardless of marital status, religion, gender, age, or race.
The trained staff and volunteers can provide you with:
Pregnancy testing
Limited ultrasound
Pregnancy counseling
STD Information
Abortion Information
Fetal development information
Prenatal health care info.
Adoption information
Medical referrals
Childbirth and infant care training
Assistance with maternity and baby
clothing and other needs
and perhaps the most important,Post-abortion counseling

To make a donation to The Crisis Pregnancy Center click here: http://www.crossroadspregnancy.com/donor/.

So who do I tag...

Leslie over at My Happily Ever After.

Erica over at Talk a Walk in My Shoes.

Circle of Life.

Wendy at Everyday Miracles.

And, Melissa over at Home is your story begins.

Humble Beginnings...

2009-03-04T04:53:00.000-08:00

My parent's took off nice and early for the airport this morning; they're headed for Okinawa, Japan. Man, I can't tell you how happy I am for them. I didn't grow up in a family where we traveled to amazing places or crossed continents so this is super huge for them. I have a younger brother in the United States Marine Corp. Ooohrah! Gosh, gets me every time! I can't talk about him without welling up. I'm just so gosh darn proud! Anyhoo, he is stationed in Okinawa with his wife Lisa, my niece Alyssa, and nephew M.J. (Murray John Young III, I know, amazing).

Both my parent's worked growing up; we were a typical working class family. We spent our winter and Easter breaks off school at the babysitters house; not Disneyland. I know, I'm so deprived, right! Actually, no. My parent's spent every dime they earned to clothe us and keep us in the extra curricular activities we chose like soccer, football, and dance. They attended every soccer and football game and as I got older and became a cheerleader they'd come watch me cheer and wouldn't dream of missing a competition for dance or cheerleading. We didn't travel much and when we did, we camped. So packing up the family, being allowed to bring a friend along, and stay a few days in Chicago for a dance competition was incredible. We didn't stay in hotels! And who cares if we brought along my loud cousin who was so proud of me you can hear her screaming my name in every single video. And who cares if she used to come with my mom to pick me up acting like a physically handicapped person to embarrass me. Not that being physically handicapped should be but I hope you get my point.

I couldn't appreciate just how much of themselves they put into giving my brothers and I everything we wanted. In last week's sermon, Pastor talked about how when you buy something you are giving a piece of yourself and your life away for it. You are trading a part of you to own something in return. Just like Christ did for us, he paid with his own blood for our salvation. They put their blood, sweat, and time away from us into their work in exchange for a paycheck then put all of the money they earned into giving us everything we needed, wanted, and then some. I truly didn't fully understand that until this morning thinking about how much this trip to Japan must mean to them. Not only are they going to visit their son and family whom they haven't seen in nearly two years but they are leaving the continent. That's just crazy to me.

I'm sure both my brothers would agree that our favorite memories of growing up include our camping trips and next in line is probably dinner time. We drove my mother crazy but we laughed until some of us peed or fell out of chairs. Sadly, mealtime with my own children is much the same, only, what's sad is it totally drives me nuts! You shouldn't screw around at the dinner table! And, wouldn't you know it, Dad is still the ring leader of the circus.

My bond, respect, honor, and appreciation for my parent's has grown leaps and bounds in recent months. I can't even articulate my thoughts properly. As a parent myself, I know now how much of themselves they have vested in us. Looking back, I've been a pretty ungrateful brat. And yet again, they have opened their hearts and home to us. Not do we just live here, but they insist it isn't their home but our home. And you know what, it is home. I know we are exactly where we are supposed to be for this season and there is so much grace upon us. Who knows mom and dad, you just might become born-again Christians! Yes, they believe in God but not religion, not that I blame them. I don't believe in religion either.

So it's no wonder that when my husband and I had to chose between our annual trip to Florida in March and a handful of weekends of camping this summer, we chose camping. The kids chose camping. Florida is amazing, it's my favorite place. Standing on the shoreline of the ocean in the warm air, and the sun on my face is absolutely my favorite place. It makes me so happy just thinking about it. Walks on the beach every morning, spending the day with the kids in a pool that has a temperature set at 90 degrees, sunsets, eating out, shopping, sand castles, and watching the kids play in the waves, and sadly the kids smashing the sand creations that others have left behind. Man, it's a priceless week. But this year we're going the humble route and we'll have just as much fun and create the kind of memories I have from my childhood.

Out of everything we've endured and lost and learned over the last 8 1/2 months, the camper is one thing we've held onto. The kids truly love it and the time we have in the parks away from home, tv, and video games. Not to mention, the marshmallows! It's been 8 1/2 months since our family has had some time to just hang out alone so Faith was kicking and screaming after my parent's left. She'll miss them but is really excited to see what it will be like with just our family in the house. Karli was in tears, Mallory and Hailey were just excited to get ahold of the markers they got yesterday, and Tyler I think was walking in his sleep. We all can't wait for them to arrive safely so they can call us on the web cam and we can see em' hanging out in Japan with my brother and his family. You know what else is really funny, of all the things my brother could have planned for them to do during their visit, they are going camping! My mom doesn't yet know she'll need some leaves and to search for the hole in the ground that serves as a restroom but oh well...kidding!

Murray, Lisa, Alyssa, M.J. - miss you and love you guys so much! Have a fantastic couple of weeks and soak it all in! Mom, Dad, be safe and may the Lord's protective angels keep you surrounded! Love you guys!

And I have to say to my brother Kevin and sister-in-law and friend Erica, that after what I've endured I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything will be okay! I'm equally as proud of the two of you. The Lord is faithful and all your dreams will come true! If I spend the rest of my life lifting you up in prayer, you will have it all! I love you both!

Muah! xoxo - Kari

Habby Birthday Hubs!

2009-03-02T06:39:00.001-08:00

Today is Todd's birthday and I just wanted to share a bit of him with all of you today; a few of things I love most about him.

In reading through Mark this morning a scripture jumped out at me. It's one I've read before, blogged about before, and one that should set a standard of living for Christians. Mark 11:45 For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many. Todd definitely has a servants heart. I think it's the virtue that always stands out most in my mind when I think about Todd's character. He is truly selfless. In order to be a great leader you must first be a servant. My husband has clearly demonstrated this Christ-like character in our home and set a wonderful example for our son to follow.

But, what does the bible say about a virtuous man? Many of us know Proverbs 31 or have at least heard it once or twice; the virtuous woman but what about men. What does the Lord consider to be virtuous in a man?

A virtuous man will always accept the Lord's plan for his life. Todd and I have been through some pretty steep trials in our marriage and life and through the highs and lows he has been a solid rock. It does not mean he is without sin or that he's obtained perfection but he gracefully accepts his flaws and brings them to the throne.

I think because of Todd's attitude the Lord has always had an abundance of grace upon him. My dad likes to say "Todd is the only person I know who can fall in a pile of crap and come out smelling like a rose." As I grow older and even more so during this season of living with my parent's again, it's become abundantly obvious that this is the attitude my father has always had toward my mom.

A virtuous man will be know for his honorable character. Others will speak highly of the virtuous man's honorable character. They will respect him and his judgment. Even the unsaved will speak well of a godly man. They may not like what he stands for, but his honorable character will be known. He will be known for his honesty, integrity and his willingness to help others.

The virtuous man will control his eyes and thoughts against lustful glances and ideas, abstain from evil works, and will be willing for the Lord to examine his life. Willing to have his life open for inspection by God and man; knows the Lord will examine his every thought and action, and he acts accordingly. The virtuous man will not be controlled by his heart's desires. Todd does not follow his heart but leads it. Todd has dreams of his own but the weight of providing for his family first and foremost has caused him to be diligent and patient and unwilling to take unnecessary risks so that the Lord can bring those dreams to life in his perfect timing.

Matthew 5:43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

The virtuous man will not work at getting even with those whom he feels has done him wrong. He will not be glad when trouble overtakes those he has had a conflict with. Todd will always be the first person in my complaints to stop me in my tracks and tell me to pray for them.

And finally, the virtuous man will not try to hide his sins. Todd will also tell you that the power of sin is in it's secrecy. Not only does he confess his sins to the Lord but he shares his secrets with me. Both of us as a couple have had many a conversation with other couples where we've shared our mistakes, our sins, and our pitfalls to help other couples work past their hardships. I guess this also goes back to accepting God's plan for our lives. Every trial we have endured, be it the Lord's will, due to submitting to temptation, or making mistakes, has shaped us into the people we are today. It's all a part of our testimony. There are things in our lives that make no sense but if it's something Todd or I must endure in order to help another down the line then it will have been worth it. The Lord uses everything in our lives for his glory, if we let him.

Todd is the spiritual leader of our home. He prays for me and for our children. He is an excellent provider and puts our needs above his own, always. Todd is a man of great character, a man of his word, and the most selfless person I've ever known. He is full of integrity, ambition, and charm. He can talk an Eskimo into buying ice cubes and leave the man feeling like he got the best deal in town and like he's made a new life long friend. Todd listens to what people around him are truly saying and guides them to the biblical principles that can help them and provides books and tools to help them along the way. If he knows a man whose marriage is in trouble, he doesn't jump on the complaint bandwagon with him, he'll uplift the man, his wife, and their marriage to help him see that it's worth fighting for. Yes, the hubs is an honorable and virtuous man. He sets a high standard and a solid godly example.

What I adore most about Todd is how deeply, unconditionally, and profoundly he loves; not just me but our children and those around us. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, kind, not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth win out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. These verses epitomize Todd's character in our marriage. And, I've gotta be honest with you, I have no idea how he's done it for this long and with such patience because Lord knows, I am not that virtuous. What's really awesome about him is, he'll read this and be like "whaaaaaaat????" he's so humble he has no idea just how awesome he is!

Thank you Todd for everything you are! Happy, Happy Birthday!

Use your faith, not your muscles.

2009-02-26T06:14:00.000-08:00

Galations 3:2-5 NLT
2. Let me ask you this one question: Did you receive the Holy Spirit by obeying the law of Moses? Of course not! You received the Spirit because you believed the message you heard about Christ. 3. How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort? 4. Have you experienced so much for nothing? Surely it was not in vain was it? 5. I ask you again, does God give you the Holy Spirit and work miracles among you because you obey the law? Of course not! It is because you believe the message you heard about Christ.

Yesterday morning a friend of mine was heavy on my heart and I felt led to share a few things with her. Her family has been effected by our economy and though she is grateful for the blessings in her life, she is looking to the Lord to meet her needs. I sent her an e-mail and shared a few scriptures and words of encouragement and it filled my soul. This is what I was created for. To love and worship my creator and share his love with those around me. To lay your life down and to be willing to do his will provides such blessing and satisfaction. I'm blessed to have had the opportunity to share his love and my experiences with her and blessed again because should a day come when I need a word of encouragement she'll be the first I'll hear from. I didn't do it because I know I'll need her some day but there is something very rewarding that can only come from a Godly bond.

I continue to stand in the gap for her. My first prayer for her is that she be strengthened and filled with his peace that surpasses all understanding (Phillipians: 6 & 7). Secondly, that he not just meet her needs but that her cup runneth over. That she does not hold tight to her blessings and be held in the bondage of fear and lack but meets the needs of others around her where she can. Luke 38:6 Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full - pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. May the Lord no simply meet her needs but exceed them. May he show up and show off so that those around her will see his presence and love in her life and know it is the Lord's hand at work in her life.

The scripture in Galatians reminds me of the many times I have carried my own burdens and tried to do it all on my own. The most recent is a situation of conflict. In the beginning I laid it on the alter, at the foot of the cross. I left it there for a few months but it kept glaring back at me. There wasn't enough closure for me but still I continued to leave it up to the Lord to work it out. Until, one day without even thinking I picked that bad boy back up off the alter, threw it on my back, and stormed outta there to get it done. I took matters into my own hands. Let me just tell you, it didn't work out. In the beginning, I had done what the Lord would have asked me personally to do, I did what he did by example. And though every detail hadn't been unturned, there really was closure and more importantly God's love could shine through. But, when I picked it back up, it soooo didn't work out. I lost all my dignity. I laid on the floor like a two-year-old kicking and screaming and insisting it be my way! I didn't walk in love. Oh, there is closure now for sure. Not the peaceful ending I envisioned and I certainly didn't anticipate making such a fool of myself and an ever bigger mess than there was to start with. Now instead of peace and knowing I have fulfilled his will for that situation, there is shame and regret.

We all need to remember that we have gained so much in this life by faith. Because the Lord is our helper. Because of divine intervention. We can't go around flexing our muscles and trying to perfect ourselves and the things in this life without that same faith, help, and divine intervention. Keep your eyes on him today. Seek his will for your life. And for pete's sake! If he holds up a stop sign, trust me, stop! Wait until he says it's time to go. In the meantime, praise him while you wait. So if you are looking to change yourself, a situation, or anything else in your life. Seek the Lord first and use your faith and patience to get it done. Another thing I shared with this friend earlier this week is that we are not meant to be enough. We are not meant to be all things to all people all the time. We absolutely need his presence and the gifts of the spirit in our lives daily!

I gained much insight into forgiveness this last week and have more to share in the coming posts. Although I am burdened with the way I behaved and may never have the forgiveness I seek from those around me in this life, I'm grateful to have the Lord's forgiveness. I used to just sort of toss around the idea of my forgiveness. But, this week it all became real. His level of grace and mercy and the love required to do so unconditionally is something I can't wrap my brain around but it is who He is. I'm grateful, thankful, blessed, and forgiven. There is no grace for the things we do on our own, or the Lord is at least not obligated to clean up after us. Sometimes, we make a mess and we just have to live with the results.

I added a new song to the playlist this morning. Slow Fade by Casting Crowns. I've been looking inward at the areas of sin in my life and the impact it has had on me, my relationship with the Lord, my marriage, and the example it sets for my children. This song is a reminder of how my life arrived in the areas of temptation to start with. It is indeed a slow fade. It starts with one look, one cracked door, and the process of being desensitized begins and before you know it you are staring temptation right in the face. The journey from your mind to your hands will show up in your thinking, wow, there is so much power and truth in that. There are some things that are just too shameful and too personal to publicize on my blog but know I have held the hand of sin and the whole gamut of emotions that come with it: shame, guilt, and the bondage that ties you there. But, hallelujah! I have found forgiveness and unconditional love! So can you!

The hubs and the daddy

2009-02-23T08:57:00.001-08:00

I have a journal I picked up at the Christian book store before Christmas titled Closer to Your Husband and since I totally skipped over Valentine's Day I'd like to share a recent entry.

The prompt for this particular day was regarding conversation and couldn't have come at a better time. It is truly my belief that a coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. In other words, there are no coincidences.

2/19/09
I have come to realize that our communication and how easy it is to talk to each other has always been what bonds us together. It is something I have taken for granted but I have a fresh perspective now and truly know how vital conversation is to our marriage. Talking and wearing our hearts on our sleeve really does connect us in a profound way. It deepens our love. It forms strength, love, trust, and intimacy. It allows us to share our faults, short-comings, and insecurities. It allows us to take that vulnerability and display trust, support, unconditional love, and reassurance. I can't recall a time when I've shared an insecurity or opened my heart to you and you disappointed me or weren't careful with my heart.

Lord, help me to always have in the forefront of my mind the importance of communication. Help me to always know that my husband is gentle, forgiving, kind, and empathetic. That I can trust him with my feelings, thoughts, dreams, and fears. Help me to always be vulnerable, open, and honest. To trust my heart to my husband. Help me to be patient, kind, caring, empathetic, and attuned to Todd's needs as well. Conversation does reveal the inner person and I pray Lord that you continue to use our conversations to unite us, to create trust, safety, comfort, and intimacy. Amen!

Listen, for I have worthy things to say; I open my lips to speak what is right. Proverbs 8:6 NIV

It's easy when you first meet someone to never run out of things to talk about. Everything is new, fresh, and exciting. You are drawn to that person and want to uncover and savour every detail. Sustaining that excitement, that interest, and that desire, and level of intimacy can become a challenge. Balancing each other's needs with work, family, and community commitments is also a challenge.

For Todd and I it's been an interesting journey. He was raised in a home where he and his mom talked about everything and in my home we all found sharing our feelings much more difficult. It wasn't a safety zone for me. And although I've come a long way through the example Todd has set, I still find it easy to revert back to my own ways. Our personalities are also not defined as most men and woman would be. The hubs is more like the attention craving poodle in the home. He likes to have his ego stroked and well, he likes to be pet. What can I say? He requires physical touch and words of affirmation. That's just how the Lord shaped him. It's been challenging for me to express my love for him in a way that he receives it when it is so outside of my comfort box. But, he has been patient and kind. He discovered a way to meet my needs long before I even knew what my needs were and he's wonderful to me in every possible way. Neither of us would have been able to find our way to this place or overcome as much as we have without finding a way to fight fair, communicate, and of course tons of the Lord's grace and mercy.

I adore my man and he adores me. I miss him when he's at work or school and can't sit next to him without touching. I love holding his hand, rubbing his bald head, and when he squeezes me so hard it hurts. I loved being out last week with Mallory and Hailey last week for their birthday and the number of times the three of us said "daddy." He's not just a presence in our home. The one that creates and enforces the rules. The one who works then contributes nothing. He is my rock, my best friend, my biggest fan, my lover, and the greatest listener. But, not only is he wonderful to me but he is their "daddy."

Eternity Has Arrived

2009-02-20T06:38:00.000-08:00

I abandoned my own blog for a week and have to admit I've not been keeping up with the blogs I typically read either; I have some catching up to do. I've got a lot of projects in the works, my munchkins are all home from school for the week for winter break, and we spent the day with Mallory and Hailey for their birthday on Wednesday. I've said this so many times this week but I thought the day would never come. When they were born, the age of five seemed an eternity away. They've transitioned from being babies to being toddlers and now from being toddlers to being little girls. The pair of them are a couple of the brightest kids I've ever known and there is so much about this time in their lives that I want to remember.

They totally and completely look up to their older sisters and brother without a doubt. They are daddy's girls and Tyler is their hero. They both love everything Faith and Karli love, from High School Musical, Hannah Montana, and The Jonas Brothers, to the silly clapping songs they learn at school that Faith and Karli teach them. They run around the house singing "bang, bang choo- choo train, wind me up, I do my thang..." on and on daily because the big girls do. Faith and Karli have taught them every word to the Taylor Swift hit Romeo and Juliet. I pray daily that they find their Prince Charming and their happily ever after. They said a girl chooses a man like her father so all my girls will be in excellent shape. Their future husbands have big shoes to fill.

They each have their own strengths and their own personalities. Mallory is strong and outgoing, a leader, and a bit bossy. Hailey, compared to her peers at school, is also a strong leader but much more passive at home. But each of them are always willing to share, trade, and make sacrifices for the other. Mallory is a bit ahead of Hailey in the learning curve at school. She recognizes a few more letters and numbers than Hailey, but Hailey can swim the length of a pool by herself. She's never taken a swim class and her daddy has taught her everything she knows. I think she's a natural.

They are both entertainers at heart. Hailey especially loves to make us laugh. They each have their own little quirky things they pull out of their hats at any given moment and before long they have us all in stitches. Dinner time is a riot around here. They love to sing and dance.

I want to always remember what it's like when we snuggle. They're my snugglebugs. I want to always remember how sweet their voice is at this age. The way they pick up a tune so easily like their Mama. The way a song just rises out of their spirits and they make up the words and sing to Jesus. I want to remember the twinkle in their eye and pray it never goes away. I pray that they grow up to be not only hearers of the word but doers also. I pray they grow to be kind, empathetic, and loving woman.

The pair of them have filled our hearts and our lives with such blessing. With so much joy; joy unspeakable. As much as the two of them are a package they are separate individuals and I pray that I have the strength and guidance to support them when it comes time for them to feel separate and be different. That they always know how special they are as individuals. That the Lord blessed us with them both on the same day merely five minutes apart but he has gifted them uniquely and has a unique design for each of their lives. Funny, at this age they think they have to grow up and marry twins! Who knows, there is a cute set of five-year-old boys that live next door. I pray they always know how special they each are to all of us.

I'm especially proud of my older children. We don't seem to have the "youngest sibling" factor in our family. The older three are just as blessed by them both as my husband and I are as parents. They each have already demonstrated how nurturing and caring they are and I know that having siblings so much younger will help form them into wonderful parents themselves.

One thing I've learned along the way...don't let your children sleep in your bed! This has always been sort of a rule for us but when the kids are sick or other circumstances exist, I'm willing to make an exception. Until this week. Mallory has had a bad cough and is having a tough time sleeping so she's crawled into bed with us a few times this week. Well, Hailey wakes up and sees her missing so she climbs in as well. Before long, I wake up sandwiched between my stocky husband and a toddlers butt cheek with another ones legs across my torso. No more sleepovers!

I saw a headline on MSN.com about some essays that people had written titled "How lucky am I to have so much to lose." The conversations in my home recently have been deep and challenging but the Lord has guided those chats and broken down walls and barriers. I am truly blessed with a new revelation of just how blessed I am. I could not ask for more.

Keep Dancing!

2009-02-10T10:10:00.001-08:00

It is crazy what a touch of warmth outside and lots of sunshine can do for a soul. I feel great this week and I'm getting a lot done too. I typically start laundry on Monday and it takes me all week to get it done, but I already folded and put away my last load and I've only got a few things to iron for the hubs. The carpet has been vacuumed. The windows and bathroom are clean. The sun is beaming in the windows. It's awesome.

I took advantage of the lack of chill in the air yesterday and photographed a few things in the backyard. It's incredible how gorgeous nature can be even in death. I'm so excited for the first spring flowers to spring up. I'm not naive enough to think that 30 degrees won't turn but a girl can hope right?

Mallory and Hailey are playing quietly in their own bedroom. That hasn't happened in eight months and it is quite refreshing for them to have their own space.

While folding I was watching Color Splash on HGTV hosted by David Bromstead who one a season of Design Star. David is an utter genius. I love every room I have seen him makeover and he covers every inch and every detail. He checks out the client's home and really listens to what they hope for the redo then brings it to life. What I love most is at every reveal he is always so unsure of himself; so humble. He is so talented and completely unaware of it. Actually, maybe he is aware of his talent but could be better phrased by saying he really wants to ensure that it's exactly what the client had in mind. I draw so much creativity and inspiration from him and I would love to get my hands on a room of my own. In due time though.

David's attitude reminds me of my own. It isn't enough for me to trust my technical skill behind the camera. It is so much more important to me that the bond, love, and relationships are transferred and brought to life in each image. I used to be the most insecure and shy person on the planet. Now I'm confident in my technical ability and truly love meeting new people and getting to know who they are and what they mean to each other to create lasting memories. The Lord has blessed me in an amazing way, pulled me out of my shell, my box, and in a way I never thought would have been possible. The aspirations He has for us greatly supersede what we ever think is possible for ourselves.

What's that new song playing? I heard it on the radio this morning and it totally won my heart. Though I'm not twenty and still looking for my dream the rest is utterly true for me. Yeah I'm full of dents and tears but grateful for every war wound because in the end I have found me. Not only have I found myself, I have finally grown into being proud of who I am and no longer apologizing for any of it. My reflection cast off of other people's opinions was a pure state of bondage. I said I was over it many, many times but today I can finally say I am free! Free to be me!

This life has been a dance. The music may skip and the steps may change but the melody goes on and we keep moving. Keep dancing!

My Provider

2009-02-09T09:16:00.001-08:00

There is so much going on around here lately; it's starting to get a bit overwhelming again. The hubs is in the process of switching my server so I can finally debut karidawsonphotography.com. Until now it's just been a splash page for clients to get to my photo blog and client proofing areas. But, no more, I've got a full blown web site! So exciting!

The weather finally broke around here this weekend. It was 40 degrees and it seemed so glorious. The sun was shining. It was truly a welcome change and great to finally defrost. I was hoping to head outside with Faith this weekend for her turn at updating her pictures but it didn't work out. Saturday is always such a crazy day for us. We try to squeeze in something fun with the family but have to head back for an early dinner. Our church services are on Saturday evenings temporarily so the day goes so fast. I shot for Sunday but Mom and Dad threw a wrench in those plans with a big surprise for Faith and Karli. More on that in a sec.

Just a couple of other small things. I finished up the jacket for Tyler's polish dance costume and he was photographed in it last week. Now I'm working on skirts for my four girls for recital. I've got one done but hmph, three more to go. I've got a stack of my own clothes that still need to be altered in some way that I'm hoping to finish up this week as well. Then I'll be ready to whip up something to finish off Faith and Karli's surprise. I'm trying to make sure I photograph every day and keeping up on my Flickr stream, contacts, and groups, has been fun but time consuming. It's worth it though. I'm learning so much and meeting tons of new people. I've got my first portrait party coming up this month and have some loose ends to tie up for that. Mallory and Hailey are celebrating their fifth birthday next week so plans are in the works for that. I think that about covers all the craziness.

Many of you know that eight months ago, our family made the move from our home into my parent's house. Partly due to unforeseen economical issues and partly due to bad decision making. Anyway, that first few months were super tough. Pride is a tough thing to swallow and it took me a long time to choke it down. I'm the oldest child and typical type 'a' personality, perfectionist and all. So admitting I had failed at something was difficult enough. Admitting I need help from my parents to see my way out of it was a whole new ball game for me. They have been awesome and welcomed us with open arms and have never made us feel like we've overstayed our welcome or that they're trying to edge us out. Actually, the idea of moving on makes them each shudder.

Our four girls have been sharing one bedroom with Tyler in his own. This has been especially tough on Karli, the middle child, because Mallory and Hailey just adore everything she owns. Her toys, her clothes, her jewelry, her make-up. Therefore, they are constantly getting into it. Getting homework done in the bedroom is tough with a 4-year-old climbing on your bed constantly and annoying you. My two oldest girls were desperate for their own space.

The most challenging part for all of us during our stay at the Young residence has been that we do often feel like we're all on top of each other. I try to keep the kids playing in areas where they aren't overwhelming my Mom and Dad and in their spaces all the time. Although, really, my parent's wouldn't hear of it anyway. It seemed for a while like there was no place for any of them to escape to.

Well, my parent's decide this weekend, spur of the moment, that Sunday morning we were going to build a bedroom for Faith and Karli. It just so happened that each of them were away for sleepovers Saturday night and we had the day to pull it off. By the time they both got home we had the new room complete except for the project I have for them. Furniture was in, pictures were up, beds were made, and it was all theirs. I also managed to get Mallory and Hailey's room rearranged and moved their pictures and belongings around to accommodate them as well. All four girls are pleased and punch to say the least. Mallory and Hailey of course are super tempted to cross the threshold of the one area of the house that is completely off limits but so far they're minding. There are two temporary walls in the bedroom that are bare so I'm going to make some fabric panels for those walls. I think in the long run it will pull the room together, make it unique, and demonstrate a bit of the girls likes and personalities.

I'm incredibly grateful to my parent's. They are willing to stop at nothing to accommodate us and spoil their grandchildren completely rotten! I actually quite like our living arrangements and so grateful to have the Lords' grace upon us for this season. For he is certainly in control. He is Jehovah Jirah, which means he literally knows our need and makes provisions to accommodate that need before the need even arises! Awesome stuff! He knows the road ahead and what each next step will be for us. Todd has been working hard earning his bachelor's degree and it seemed like he was going to have to continue to take classes until next December instead of finishing up in May. Well with a little divine intervention for financial aid and a dash of answered prayer in the scheduling area Todd WILL finish in May. I'm so proud of him. He's working super hard, pulling all 'A's' and remaining on the Dean's List. He attends school at least two nights per week, works full time, and has 3-day classes that are 8-hours each at least two weekends per month. It's a sacrifice but one that I'm certain will pay off. I also know I would never be able to handle it if I didn't have the company and assistance of my parent's. God is in control! He proves himself daily.

I've got quick learners folks!

2009-02-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

So Karli has this really cute pair of corduroy pants. I think they're cute, she despises them. She also has this super cute shirt. It's thermal looking in creme with a small floral print on it. Sewn together with it is a short sleeved blue shirt so it looks like a twofor but it's really just one. Sounds cute and comfy, no? Karli despises this shirt more than the cute pants.

Karli is only willing to wear the cute clothes. I packed her bag for a sleep over at Grandma's house. Yeah, I packed the cute pants and the cute shirt. She hated them and wore and came home in her pj's because she refused to put on the clothes I love and packed for her. So, Monday came around and guess what, she wore what I packed for Grandma's house. She wasn't happy about it, in fact, I think she said she hates me even. Oh well.

So this past weekend, I packed for another sleepover and Grandma's house. Yeah, I packed the same pair of cute pants. I gave her a shirt she likes though. She came home in the cute clothes I had packed for her this time. Karli comes in and says "you know I told Grandma, the next time I sleep over and I don't like what mom packed for me, make me wear them anyway. Because if I don't, I have to wear them to school the next day."

I held my belly laugh deep down with me and just politely said "oh that's nice Karli, I'm glad you got dressed today and those pants aren't so bad are they." So now I can let out my muaaahhhhh of a laugh. I love it when they catch on quick!

Want more peace, time, and fulfillment?

2009-02-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

You know the trouble with reading more than one book at a time while trying to complete other projects only prolongs the amount of time it should really take to read any given book. I can never make up my mind so it's typical of me to read 3-4 books at a time. One of the books I'm slowly working my way through is The Mystery of God's Will by Charles Swindoll; yeah I've been reading it forever.

You want to know who's in charge around here? The One who called the spaces into being, the One who put the clouds in place, the One who established the atmosphere in which we're able to live, the One who separated the seas and the dry land, who gave you breath for your lungs and the ability to think. The One who placed you here, now in time, for His purpose, and the One who with the snap of His divine finger will pull you from life into eternity. Mysterious though our lives may seem, God, and God alone, is in charge.

Heavy as that is, I find relief in it. I'm not in this life running around aimlessly. The Lord has a plan for my life. All things happen for a reason and will ultimately prove to be for his glory alone. I may not have a clear idea of the whole picture but thank God he does. I don't think anymore that we can really "miss" God. We may take a step in a direction that is different that what God would have chosen for us but I believe God immediately makes provisions to get us back around to where he wanted to see us go. He is almighty and all knowing. He knows what we'll say before we say it, what we'll do before we do it. He makes provisions for us accordingly.

We can't just wonder around messing up and doing what we want and expect God to clean up after us. But, if we are diligent and we seek him first we will stay under the hedge of his umbrella of protection. He is a God of love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. If we miss it, intentionally or otherwise, we are guaranteed to have at least one of those qualities bestowed upon us for help. Forgiveness, always. The Lord is not obligated to sustain us for things he hasn't called us to do so we may be without grace in an area for a season but we'll surely still have his love and mercy. If we commit to something we shouldn't be doing the quickest way to get back under his umbrella and back under his grace is to say "no" to that thing we first said "yes" to. This is tough stuff now, we may actually have to say "no" to someone or back out of a commitment, or be unable to help someone who is counting on us. Huh! Someone may not like us!

The answer is simple. Seek the Lord first and do what he has called you to do. If there isn't grace upon it, don't do it. You'll just end up miserable anyway. Oh, you may get a little bit of glory from on lookers, from man, but in the end, you won't care because you'll be miserable. Doing something you don't want to do, that you don't have time for, and probably for people you don't even like. If we said "yes" to the things we knew God wanted us to do and said "no" to all the things we did to impress others, we'd have so much more time, peace, and fulfillment.

Sharing Time

2009-01-28T07:26:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I was tagged like 10 times this week on Facebook to write 25 Random Things About Me. I thought I'd share...

1. I'm one of "those" those woman who can't get enough of Hollywood
2. I choose Entertainment Tonight over the news 99% of the time
3. I watch The Bachelor
4. I think he's just lookn' for some action personally
5. Watching so much of The Bachelor has me watching to take up a collection of pretty scarves and run on the treadmill until I look that good
6. I watch too much TV
7. It's typical of me to be reading 3-4 books at any given time
8. I'm longing to decorate
9. I heart HGTV
10. I'm getting ready to repair some hems on a few polish dance costumes
11. I'm getting ready to make a whole jacket for Tyler for his polish dance recital
12. Last year I hand beaded Hailey's whole vest with millions of sequins
13. My children are all hard core entertainers, I wish I had a video camera!
14. I'm sick of the cold
15. My Web site is almost finished
16. I'm enjoying this more than I thought I would
17. I can honestly say I used to be shy, that took years!
18. I can also honestly say I used to be a follower! That one feels super good!
19. I'm one of those who also thinks that those who gossip with you will gossip about you
20. I used to be a gossiper
21. I'm really not happy about the broken windshield wiper that has left me stranded and having to cancel my appointment
22. I'm happy to have a good neighbor who is going to replace it for me so I can pick up my kids from school
23. I'm not always as confident as I look or say I am
24. I do believe in myself
25. And I'm glad to be surrounded by friends and family who also believe in me.

No shrinking dreams

2009-01-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

So the hubs and I were watching some TV last night and something along the lines of "quit feeling sorry for yourself" was said. I said "sounds like someone I know." You see, Mr. Hubs likes to say that to me! The nerve, I know. So anyway, I was watching Joyce Meyer this morning and she says two things I found pertinent enough to write down: "for some people, they are their own worst enemies." She says this after praying aloud for the perfectionists in the room. What is this, pick on Kari day? So then she says, "quit feeling sorry for yourself." Really! I spend too much time focusing on me, and focusing on my circumstances. It affects my attitude and my outlook on life and even my goals.

Todd and I have an idea for the kind of home we'd like to live in when our future gets here. We've got a vision board with pictures on it of what the home will look like on the outside, photos of different rooms we both like for ideas of how to paint and decorate when we get there. We even found a floor plan, pulled it out of a magazine, and hung that on the vision board. We have an idea of what area of town we'd like to live and I had all but given up on that vision, that dream. I was holding onto the last thread before church yesterday. I started to get stirred up about this town yesterday morning. Then Pastor gets up and spends a minute talking about how the devil wants to shrink our dreams. He can't keep us out of heaven, it's too late for that. So, he wants to try to get us to accept less that what we had dreamed of. Shoot, he was almost done with me. I had moved my vision out of that town and into a decent imaginary home in another, more affordable city. That lasted for a while until I all but convinced myself that not only could I live with buying a home in this other city but I could even live with the smallest home in it! That future I didn't even have yet was in the process of being ripped out from under me.

Now I'm not suggesting that we be materialistic and place all our bets on God and stretch out faith for the biggest home in the best part of town. For me, I feel called to this particular area. it's a small town, our church home is located there, and it's just a quaint small community. With it, comes a Main Street. When my photography business is ready for a storefront, it WILL be located on Main Street! To wrap up the service we were shown a slide show of images from this particular city. Images of the towns churches that are uniting in prayer and service to this community. Images of the empty storefronts on Main Street with For Lease signs in the window because local businesses have not been able to stay afloat. One of those, probably with a red awning, will have Kari Dawson Photography above the door one of these days! Images of all the local schools and prophetic words that have been spoken over the city and the churches within it. This is the city I feel led to raise my family. My vision has been restored and a fire has been lit under my booty so to speak.

I am still reminded however that sometimes I need to check my attitude and check my heart. Todd and I are still in the midst of a journey as we are between houses. We see our future ahead of us but we are in a time of sowing right now. We are cleaning up old mistakes, rotten floor boards, and building a new foundation; an unshakable one. Though the transition to this place was a challenging one, we have found peace and comfort here. We have been accepted with open arms and patience as we rebuild and don't feel pressured to hurry along. We are blessed! In the end, when we get to the next level, to what our future has for us, we'll have a testimony of all that God did to restore us to that place. What he brought us from and where he is taking us. I am mindful that I have no testimony without a test. I am ready for the next level. Ready to go deeper. Ready to be held more accountable. Ready to make more progress and take more action.

In 2008, I began to keep a list of scriptures up on the vision board. Once that are relevant to what we are praying for. Some have served their purposes and will removed and new ones have taken their place.

Malachi 3:10 NLT
Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do," says the LORD of Heaven's Armies, "I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won't have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!

Romans 15:13 NLT
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Year in Review {Nov. & Dec.} Wrap-up

2009-01-23T05:46:00.000-08:00

In November, I'd love to skip past the events that occupied that month but it's there, it happened, and I am most proud of the Bring the Rain series. Although it's a situation that is still unresolved I'm okay with it and better for it.

I love the High School Writer's Workshop which proved to be a great way to sum up our memories together. It was fun while it lasted. I truly hope that each of you find what you are searching for, that life treats you well, and your dreams come true.

You are not in control, get used to it is also a favorite it mine. It is when I finally began to understand that if I fall short sometimes then others will too. Everything happens for a reason. God is in control. We might as well give up the fight and follow the lead of the one who truly does want the best for us. And when the belief of just who I truly am in Christ became a reality again.

I came across something this morning that sums up the my reflection of November and December and puts to rest the year of 2008 for me. Although the first month of this year was spent sorting through a few things, second guessing my character, and second guessing how I feel about myself, I am reminded of just how valuable I am to those who find value in me. After all the second guessing I count myself as mature and responsible, dependable, a woman of my word, trustworthy, and level headed, or at least more than I used to be. I've also had the chance in January to reflect on the relationships that are still intact. The hubs is the first one that comes to mind. He is my rock. I am so grateful for his tolerance, patience, and support as I sorted through this all. He is FED UP with it and I'm certain he's relieved to know that this is the final page and it's being put to rest. Although we took the long road in our conversations at times as he helped me see my true value, in the end he was right all along. I know how much he'll appreciate that! Yes Todd, you are right, you were right all along. My hubby is so smart and I should just take his advice! Keep in mind though people, he is the KING of doing things the hard way first.

For the girls in blog land and my day to day life who lent a listening ear and uplifted me, thank you!

From Charles Stanley’s “Seeking His Face”: “True friendship includes many things: love, a sense of closeness, forgiveness, openness and availability. A true friend knows how to listen and, if necessary, be silent about his own needs at times. Only God can use a friend to help heal a hurting heart. Friendship also includes acceptance, flexibility, commitment and a sense of unselfishness. Loving someone can be difficult. We are not easy to love at times. We have flaws that need God’s attention, forgiveness and care. But we also contain something worth sharing with another.
Because of the love of Christ that has been given to us, we are worthy to be loved and to love. It is God’s love that motivates us to care for someone else. It is God’s example of pure love that prompts us to forgive when we have been unjustly hurt or accused. God loves us even when we act unlovely.
God wants us to have this type of love for others. Next time you might be tempted to stay angry at a friend, ask the Lord to help you understand the way He loves you. God sent His Son so that we may be forgiven."

I find it perfectly fitting that I'm Rockn' My Box was the final post in 2008. It was that day that all the pieces had finally come together. What I did wrong in 2008 and what I did right in 2008. I'm taking the good and building on it and throwing out the rest. I'm sure 2009 will come with a new set of mistakes or things I wish I'd done differently and the Lord will shape me along the way. I gained a lot of perspective the final weeks of 2008 and learned many life lessons. My life is void of nothing. God has already restored the relationships I've lost. He has replaced relationships with actual friendships. Even more than that my husband and I saw each other through a small tough season and ultimately it's the little things in life that make me the most grateful. My twins each had a turn being quite ill the last couple of weeks and not having to leave the house for work or other commitments so I could hold them while they sleep, bath them to get their temps. down, and be here to wipe the tears and rub their backs is an amazing gift. I took too much for granted in 2008. Yeah, I changed in 2008 but now, I'm now longer apologizing for who I am or trying to explain it or defend it. I am who I am and my life is rich with people who love me the way I am.

Year in Review {Aug.-Oct.}

2009-01-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm getting bored with this so perhaps you are as well. Time to wrap it up!

I did enjoy my trip down memory lane along the month of August. There is a small series called Defining Moment. I'm happy to say the couple featured in the posts is still together and still working it out. Thank you Jesus for answered prayers! My favorite was probably Surrender. Recalling to mind that the Lord is in control. He knows the greater plan. He knows what needs to be pruned and what lessons need to be learned. I'm grateful to have been filled with peace and patience as my family is waiting on the Lord and preparing for our next chapter.

I'm struggling lately with forgiveness. Receiving forgiveness. I said in a recent post that it takes a faithful person to repent just once and receive forgiveness immediately. A faithful person indeed. Sometimes it's easy, apologizing for sinning in anger, saying something that offended another, etc. But, there are some things that the devil likes to use to nag us with shame. Shame keeps us from being forgiven. So Septembers favorite is Without fault in His eyes. In particular, this passage here:
"Ephesians 2:4 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.
That is a powerful verse. If Jesus sees no fault in us after we have repented then why do we carry our heads low and relive our mistakes over and over and over again. So if you are feeling condemned today. Simply ask for forgiveness, repent, just say, "I made a mistake." That's all you have to do. Then Jesus will wash his hands of it and it's gone. You are forgiven, now forgive yourself, and let go of the shame."

Followed by a great little mini series here. My character is still in progress too by the way. In October, I love I remember because I love the hubs. Oh, and this one about my first best friend ever. And, so looking forward to an upcoming lunch date with her and another old but super dear friend. I loved going back over the simple family memories from This is a great, great, great family.

Mallory was pretty ill last week and has since recovered and returned to school. It appears as though it's Hailey's turn now though. So I'm off to nurse an uncomfortable toddler. She isn't five yet, I can still call her that. Prayers for a speedy recovery and restful nights are being requested please. Why do they have such lousy timing? Always choosing 3:30 a.m. to start vomiting! Oy!

Year in Review {July}

2009-01-19T06:47:00.000-08:00

Moving on in my year in review that has taken almost a month now and we're still on July! Oh boy! My favorite post from July is the where I had to find a purpose and focus for my blog and define it with a Blog Mission.

Although, I did truly enjoy my tribute posts for Faith and Karli's birthdays. And, you can read all about my first blog award here if you'd like. wink wink!

I was particularly touched by the Legacy post because it contains touches of things that I'm grateful for in my life now. I grasped a portion of it at the time of it's writing but now I'm really looking to enhance the relationships I have in my life and go deeper with those who are valuable to me. I am blessed to have friends in my life that share the same morals and values and we are available to each other for support, prayer, and celebrations. There are a few gals who I've known for what seems like forever. We've always been in touch but didn't really communicate on a personal level. I'm grateful to have connected with these girls and so glad that the Lord's hand is at work there. I'm glad they each have been patient with me and allowed the walls of my heart to come down slowly to let them in. You know who you are! Thanks so much for your unwavering love and support! Thanks for being part of my life while we figure out how to "do life together."

I realize after reading that post that the falling out I've had with a friend of mine began way back in July. I wish things weren't the way they are today but the ball is no longer in my court. All I can do is be loving and forgiving and available if ever she calls my name. That doesn't mean I'm desperate to rekindle an unhealthy friendship. It means I love and accept her for who she is. I've come to realize that we are two different people living two different lives. I've come to terms with that. I used to be quite the follower and this past year I began to make my own decisions about where I would go, who I'd go with, how I'd get there, and when I'd leave. I became an individual capable of making my own decisions. Saying yes to the things my conscience was clear to do and no to the things that didn't fit into my life. I wasn't saying no to her or anyone else around me. I was simply trying to be the best possible person, the best possible wife, mother, and friend. My life sets and example for my children and if I expect them to avoid certain things and behave a certain way then I had better being doing it right to start with. That is where the disconnect comes in. Although, I became an independent thinker and began to do what was best for me and my family it was not perceived that way. It has been perceived as judgement. All I can say is I'm a sinner. I'm no better than anyone else. If I tried to be judgemental of another human, I'm sure they'd first get beaten to death with the log in my own eye. I truly wish I could be seen for what I'm trying to be for my husband and family but it is what it is and I'm really okay with that.

I've been wracking my brain with this for too long. I said in a recent post that I no longer had room in my life for those whose opinions of me used to rule and I'm finally there. So while things with this friend may not be the same I'm blessed to have rekindled an old friendship, strengthened one with a lovely lady whose been there since Tyler was born, and discovered that one friend who I thought was merely an acquaintance means the world to me and has surprised me with her commitment to "having my back." That leaves me with two more. Both have been excellent listeners and helped me sort things out without betraying the trust of anyone else. I so admire them both for this. I had some things to work through with one of them and I'm grateful to have as much as I can in right standing.

The awkwardness that existed in July, August, September, and October now makes perfect sense. It seems like a big inside joke that everyone was in on except for me actually. So as much as a lot of it now makes sense for me. There is still a portion of it that doesn't. There were some pretty important events in the months of July-October, why was I there? What was it all for? If it was just going to end like this, what was it all for? I'm afraid, I may never know.

Writer's Workshop: 1. Describe your significant other's most attractive quality (on the inside).

2009-01-16T06:36:00.001-08:00

Mama Kat's at it again with another workshop.
The Prompts:
1.) Describe your significant other's most attractive quality (on the inside).
2.) Tell about a time you stole something.
3.) Choose a poem you like. Take the last line and use it as the first line of your own poem.
4.) Write about a scary encounter with one of your old professors.

This is interesting timing for this particular prompt because I have spent a lot of time lately reflecting on the kind of person my husband is and the example he sets before us. Todd's most attractive quality can be summed up in Love. Loving is the best possible way to describe how and why he is who is to everyone who meets him. Love embodies so much, patience, kindness, forgiveness, the ability to give hope, and the most important aspect of Todd is his selflessness.

Todd puts the needs and even the wants of his family above his own. In an argument he is the first to apologize, although 99% of the time, he is not the one at fault. He is not jealous or envious of those around us and has no desire to collect the things of the world to satisfy our needs. He is a man of God and the spiritual leader of our home. He is very giving of his time and energy and rarely says no to a request for ice cream, a foot rub, or to spend our entire evening together running his fingers through my hair. He always knows just what to say. The delivery may come off a bit harsh sometimes but in the end you can count on him to give you good, solid, biblical advice in a no nonsense fashion. Not that he tries to offend anyone in the process, he just happens to be a straight-to-the-point kinda guy.

Todd is an amazing father and adores each of his daughters fully. He is patient with our only son and spends the essential time with him to connect with Tyler and direct him. We sometimes disagree with finding just the right way to approach Tyler and handle criticism and punishment but I know that it is only because Todd doesn't want Tyler to experience the same troubles he did when he was young. What I love most about the kind of father Todd is, is that he is so fun-loving. He has always been so easy going with each of them. He's the one always willing to race Tyler down the street, jump in the pool with them, and he's always good for a wrestling match.

Todd is a man that is true to his word. He is trustworthy. He is ambitious. What I want most for my Todd is for his dreams to become a reality. I am who I am today because of his unconditional love and support. I fall short of that often times but I look forward to our future and all that God has in store for us. Todd carries a very heavy burden of being the sole provider for a wife and five children. He is not in a situation where he takes the idea of risk lightly. I appreciate that about him so much but Todd hasn't always been that way. God's grace has always been upon him. Each time he found himself in a bind God would pull him through. My dad likes to say Todd is the only person he knows who can fall in a pile of poop and come out smelling like a rose. It's just that way for Todd.

So what I want my husband to know is I trust you. I trust the Lord to direct you. I will follow. You have dreams and ambitions stewing and building inside you. Don't be afraid to take a risk. Each challenge in our lives has brought us closer together and strengthened our bond. And, most importantly, God has always had your back! He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! Trust him, take a leap! We're right behind you!

Year in Review {June}

2009-01-12T12:27:00.000-08:00

Ouch! This was painful to read but still, my favorite from June. Our family is still intact, our love for each other and the bond we have is still my greatest possession. We have come to make a new place "home." Although it is a temporary place it is still none the less, home. The kids are already anxious for what is ahead. A new city, a new school, etc. But, the truth is, we haven't been released yet so we don't yet know what the Lord has in store for us or where. We continue to plug away at the financial issues that come with us and rebuild a new financial future for our family.

In the here and now, I've enjoyed my reading in Matthew so far. In chapters 5 & 6 Jesus speaks a lot about just how much he loves us. I wanted to share a few verses that spoke to me for one reason or another.

Well if you been tuned in for a while you know that I've recently been estranged from what used to be my closest friend. With that came distance with some other friends as well. The uncovering of this ordeal taught me a lot of life lessons and a lot about the people I called my friends. So this verse helped me relax a bit because I was not put here to be a people pleaser but to be a God please and a helper and servant to people. I am to be kind and loving and make myself available and do everything in my power to serve people, to love them, and be an example of God's love. If they don't want it, if they don't accept me for me, then it's still all good. Matthew 5: 11 NLT God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven.

No, it isn't easy being rejected by those you held close. Stings more at the idea that they have convinced themselves that it is because of one thing or another that you have done when in reality it is because of how I choose to live my life. When I was a free-spirited sinner there was all kinds of love, now, not so much.

Matthew 6:14 NLT If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your father will not forgive your sins. My two cents, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, not the one being forgiven. Why spend your days quarrelling and worrying and carrying anger and resentment around for a person(s) who doesn't care.

Matthew 6:31-33 NLT talks about how we can often fret about our needs, finances, what we'll eat, clothing, shelter, etc. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly father already knows your needs. Seek the kingdom of God above all else and live righteously and he will give you everything you need. God provides for those who put him first.

Matthew 7:9-11 talks about how a parent bestows upon their children their wants and needs. If we as earthly parents are able and willing to provide in such a way for our children then surely our heavenly father who IS love and loves us all beyond our comprehension surely wants to bless us immensely more than we are able to do for our own children.

It is my prayer that I continue to be aware of God's promises for us. That I learn to stop resisting his blessing and learn to just receive. Receive blessings, forgiveness, and a full revelation of his love.

Year in Review {May}

2009-01-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

What a perfect time for a recap! As much as I think I've learned and accomplished this year, I am suddenly reminded of how far I have yet to go. The first post in May was an apology to the hubs titled For My Patient Husband. I am disappointed with how much I can still resonate with where I was that morning. Where I still am today. The very good news is the hubs is the same, ever patient, ever loving, did I say patient? Yeah, he's got patience covered!

We are continuing with The Love Dare. The first challenge exercised our patience. I was thinking how silly this was going to be to have a challenge each day then move onto the next. You need to repeat an act for 30-40 days before it becomes habit so how is this going to work. Well, as we progress we have learned that the dares carry over from day to day. Each dare isn't simply for one day but for the following days we continue to progress through the book. So now I'm going to have to create a list of dares to help keep myself in check. Todd will easily breeze through this devotional if the end is anything like the beginning. He is a good person, a good husband, and a good father. I'm the battered and bruised one that needs all the work! Oh how change is so not fun!

Moving on, this one was ooooh sooo goood! If I don't say so myself! But, I don't take credit. Often times when I go back and read the words I've written, it's new to me. I'm so wrapped up in the spirit and moving from thought to thought so quickly that my posts don't always stick with me. A good reminder of how to get what we seek for our lives.

To quote this post: "You know you're surrendered to God when you rely on God to work things out instead of trying to manipulate others, force your agenda, and control the situation. You let go and let God work. You also know you're surrendered when you don't react to criticism and rush to defend yourself. Surrendered hearts show up best in relationships. You don't edge others out, you don't demand your rights, and you aren't self-serving when you're surrendered." Taken from The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Okay, I found something I can cross off the prayer list!

This post I think is my favorite from May. It was a sweet reminder of the things I love about myself, during a season where self-love has eluded me. And, a fresh reminder that I am a creation of the Lord. He didn't make any mistakes here and though there are improvements to be made, he loves me already.

I am His princess and my hubbies too! Oh and the kids seem to think I hung the moon too. So what's my problem with me then? Urgh!

Year in Review {April}

2009-01-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

I am thoroughly enjoying my walk through the posts of last year. April so far has been inspiring and refreshing. Like this one that reminded me again of just how far the Lord has brought me. And, this one that reminds me of how some things just never change, for instance, Mallory and Hailey still have an aversion to clothing and shoes, the conversations between the hubs and our son Tyler are still precious comedy hours, and Tyler still loves to provide his mini science lessons, only now, he's 13 and right about everything! This one where I provided the images from the first wedding I shot. And without reading the rest, I know this one titled Passion is my favorite from the month of April. The Holy Ghost had a hold of me that morning! I bookmarked it so I can go back and review it from time to time. Lots of good nuggets in there.

The Year in Review series and the fresh start of a new year has me zoning in on what I want to accomplish this year. To start, the hubs and I are working through The Love Dare a 40-day couples devotional and I decided to have a second go at The Purpose Driven Life as well, another 40-day devotional. A lot of my goals haven't changed much, go deeper in Christ, grow up spiritually, love my husband, minister to and teach my children, set a good example, and be a the kind of person who spreads Gods love.

I highlighted a few passages from our first day of Love Dare that stuck with me or hit home. It says God uses marriage to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, establish families, raise children, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy. But beyond this, marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner. I noticed more in 2008 than ever before my need to grow and deal with my own issues of self-centeredness. I just didn't know that was supposed to happen! I've talked a lot lately about behavior and walking in love and this line summarizes it perfectly, anger almost never makes things better. And one more thing from today's lesson, Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it. Wow!

And finally, a poem...

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

Russell Kelfer

I'm Fruitful! I'm Focused! I'm Living My Purpose! I'm Rockn' My Box!

2008-12-31T12:04:00.001-08:00

*Edited* to say this quote "We have people in our lives who come to us to get what they need and it's all they know to do. When we hurt or we have needs, they have no idea what to do with us." as seen below, is attributed to a good e-mail full of advice I received from Tabbie. Tabbie is a wonderful person I've had the pleasure to connect with via blog land and I'm so grateful for all the kind words, encouragement, and advice she has brought to my life!

Yesterday I started to pick things up around the house and hadn't been feeling well all day so the hubs sent me to my bed to try and relax a bit. I flipped through the channels and got a good heavy dose from Joyce Meyer. Click here to check out yesterdays Podcast.

I've seen a lot of Joyce Meyer this year and I have to say, she couldn't have landed on a better note, or hit the nail harder on the head! This podcast is exactly where I was yesterday!

The hubs and the kids are all home from work and school and we haven't had much to do the last week and a half or so. This has left me with too much time on my hands to think too much. I spent the last couple of days moping around about this and moping about that and complaining about this and complaining about that. So hubby that it was really funny when he walked into the middle of a Joyce Meyer broadcast to catch her getting excited about all the things he's been telling me for days and weeks! Oh yeah, he had his "told ya so" moment!

One thing that caught my attention in this broadcast is when she talks about how we do things so we don't upset others, because we want to be well liked, because we want to be part of the crowd, we don't want anyone to talk about us, etc. I was very pleased to realize I am not the only woman on this planet that feels that way! Hallelujah! I'm not an insecure retard!

Well, I started to say no to some things this year and learned that Joyce is right. When I started to say no to the things I felt led to get rid of in my life, to line up my actions with what I say out of my mouth, I didn't fit into every box or clique I wanted to fit into. The trouble is, when you spend a good portion of your life knowing someone, they know all the ins and outs of your life. They know where your knees tend to buckle to sin, the mistakes you've made, they know who you were before you surrendered to Jesus. And you know what, they don't let you off the hook! They continue to see you in the same light they have always seen you. So I'm faced with a variety of different people with a variety of different expectations and I'm made to feel guilty and question my character when I don't meet those expectations. But really, only God knows what is required of me. Only he requires anything of me. Yes, I do have a responsibility as a wife and a mother but God and I with the support of the hubs will determine the best way for me to live that out along with all the other decisions and commitments I make in life.

I spent a lot of time this year trying to get over what other people think of me and thank you Jesus, I'm almost all the way there! I wasted a lot of time trying to please and impress other people. I plan to carefully evaluate my time this coming year. I want to get the most of each and every day. I want to be salt and light. I want to be the kind of Christian that helps others. I want to be the kind of Christian that brings other people to heaven with her! So if your one of those people whose opinions used to occupy my thoughts and time, I just don't have room for your opinion in my schedule anymore.

I told a friend earlier today there are so many things I learned this year but two things I know for sure are, a lot of people are takers. We have people in our lives who come to us to get what they need and it's all they know to do. When we hurt or we have needs, they have no idea what to do with us. I'm still available to the takers of my life but I am aware now of those I can turn to in my hour of need. The trouble with expecting something of someone incapable is that you are the one left like there is something wrong with you. I assure you, there is nothing wrong with you. You share your lives so you can be available for that person and God has called someone else to be available to you.

The second thing I learned this year is being the better person and taking the high road does not always yield desirable results. I thought that if I made all the right choices and did everything maturely that all things would work out. Regardless as to how I handle myself, some people just won't like me. Sure, it still stings but I'm better for it.

Okay, three things I know for certain, the third is, I NEED my devotional time daily to be a good person. To be happy, to be polite, to be less irritable, and to walk in love. To diddo a bit from my photo blog, my gift to myself this year is going to be my devotional time. It is the one thing I can do, my prayer closet is the one place I can go, to get filled, to get joy, to be renewed, to be refreshed. The hubs can tell you first hand that if I forgo the prayer closet for a few days, it isn't fun around here! It's my time, it's the one thing I will do for myself daily. And, it's the best gift I can give not only myself but my family too.

My prayer closet is first, keeping my hubby up there at place number two should do miracles to soothe our souls this coming year, and finding a deeper connection with my children. I can do that if I do and only do what God has asked me to do. I refuse to spend another year running around doing things I ought not be doing. This year will be spent focusing on the gifts God has bestowed on me and using them to be a blessing to others. Both of my blogs have been good to me. I have been blessed and from the e-mails and comments I get from blog-land, I know my blog is being used to reach others as well.

I rocked the box I kept myself in, in 2008. In 2009, I'm rocking the box that others have tried to keep me in! Watch out, you may get a splinter!

Year in Review {March}

2008-12-29T10:18:00.000-08:00

Well, nothing really profound in my words for March, but my favorite post for the month is when my Nikon Arrived. March is when I purchased my first DSLR and it changed the direction of my life.

It's crazy to know I have only put nine months into my self-taught skills and education and my profile is well under way. It has been both an exciting and a trying year in so many facets. Photography and writing have both served as outlets for me, for my emotions, and for my creativity. Plus, I have some really amazing shots of my family from this year as well. I've grown so much in nine months. I look forward to all the next full year has to bring!

Year in Review {February}

2008-12-26T11:03:00.001-08:00

My favorite post in February is A marriage retreat that focused on me?

This was an important gathering for my husband and I. It was where we learned that we love each other profoundly and we are each deeply committed, but, we have been speaking different languages. We still need to finish getting through The Five Love Languages to complete this area because we each give and receive love in different ways.

It was also the time I realized that writing is really where it's at for me, for this season. It reaffirmed our belief that we will one day be part of some type of ministry down the road. And, it was also the beginning of what would become a year-long lesson and theme in my life.

"A little lesson I've learned in this whole process (the thing that completes my circle) is that who I am, my worth, my value is not measured in someone else’s opinion of me, or even my own opinion. My worth is determined by how God sees me and according to his word I am a new creation, I am righteous (he sees me as an example of his righteousness), faithful, etc. Though there may not currently be outward evidence of it, His word has the power to perform exactly what God says I am! I am complete in Him! Every scripture that reads "in him," or "in Christ" is an example of who I truly am in Christ, how he sees me. There are 130 of them; I'm off to find a few more!"

The above paragraph led me to find many scriptures over this year that helped me claim revelation and insight as to how Jesus sees me, feels about me, and just how important I am to him. I'm sure as you continue with me my year in review you'll easily discover how hard the Lord has worked to teach me this year. I'm still a work in progress, I'm not there yet. But, I have certainly learned many valuable life lessons this year. Some I continue to work on, others were hardcore-only-need-to-go-through-that-once, kind of lessons and I won't be repeating those mistakes!

I'll leave you with the scripture that I have clung to this year...
Romans 12:2 NLT
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

A year in review and I hit 100 posts!

2008-12-24T07:12:00.000-08:00

This will actually make 102! Wow! Well, it's Christmas Eve. My favorite day of the year. Family, food, old family tradition, the sparkle of a child's eye, romance, laughter, fond memories, missed loved ones, and this year, a white ground full of deep, deep, snow.

I wanted to take some time to look back on where I've been this year and pull out my favorite posts, one from each month. My favorite from January '08 is my first. The photos are downright dreadful compared to how much I've grown this year. Still, they are some of my favorites. They mark how much I've grown and in so many ways this year.

In January, I knew I was beginning a new trend for my life. A new road. I had no idea in January just where that road would lead me in the months ahead. Months of rain. Hardcore, thunderstorm, hurricane, type rain. But, as I look back on the past twelve months and consider the challenges, stages, and phases, I know my grass is greener. I am stronger. I have a friendship with Jesus. I have a more intimate relationship with Him. I am more mature. I have been refined in the fire.

I'm looking forward to the journey I'll take over the next two weeks or so as I read my own blog, all 100 posts from my first year. I hope this will serve as a nice summary for those that are new to my blog and a tender reminder for those who have been along for the ride since day 1.

To my blog friends, those I've not yet met in person, thank you for your e-mails, comments, kind words, and especially your prayers this year. You have seen me through the toughest season of my life! For my friends and family that know me personally, I also want to thank you for the tremendous support you have also been this year. It is due to many of you that I have been shaped into the person I am today. For the first time in my life, I like me for me, more than ever before.

Here is my favorite January '08 post: http://findingmyplaceinthisworld.blogspot.com/2008/01/new-year-new-outlet.html

I want to close with a big Merry Christmas to you all! Take a minute, regardless to how well you know Him, and thank Jesus for his birth, for what came of his future, and all he has done and will continue to do for all of us! My favorite Christmas song, which I cannot get through without a good ole' ugly cry! And, my favorite Christmas image so far.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-19T08:21:00.001-08:00

Here in the grand state of Michigan we are getting hammered with snow; 1-3" every hour to be exact. So all the kiddos are home from school and won't be returning until after the new year. I'm looking forward to having the kids and the hubs home from work/school for a couple of weeks but I can also feel the cabin fever coming on. I'm sure there will be lots of sledding going on, especially at Grandma's on Sunday.

As Christmas approaches and the year winds down I am ever so grateful. I'm really looking forward to this coming week. I have lunch and dinner dates with sweet friends. Sunday will be shared at my mother-in-laws where we'll be cooking and getting ready for Christmas Eve, eating some divine mexican food prepared by my sister-in-law, and celebrating my nieces 12th birthday. They grow up so fast!

We always share Christmas Eve with family at my mother-in-laws house where the table always overflows with all things Polish. And, everything from the sides, to the main dish, to dessert is always made from scratch. If your eating an old family favorite, especially if it was a favorite of Lana's you'll find a dash of tears as well. We will always miss her and never forget just how truly gorgeous she was both inside and out.

As part of our Christmas Eve tradition, we share Oplatek. All people in attendance break bread together. The first year we did this, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It stretched me so far out of my comfort zone, I thought I might get sick. Now, it's definitely one of my favorite things!

So in the spirit of family, good friends, and good food, I wish you and yours a very merry Christmas! I am thankful to live in a place where we have the freedom to celebrate Jesus on the day of his birth and each and every day! May his name be glorified this season!

On a bit of a side note, I am thankful for the decision that was press released today regarding the bail-out loan for the automakers. The Lord is my source and provider. But, for so many that don't know him, that don't bring their tithes into the storehouse, and live under the hedge of his protection, they would have been ruined. I am grateful for the hundreds of thousands of families who have just received God's grace. I pray that seeds and revelation be sewn into their lives so they know God is their source and provider and he just saved a whole bunch of booties!

Writer's Workshop

2008-12-15T11:24:00.000-08:00

Okay MaMa Kat is at it again with her Writer’s Workshop. This week the prompt I chose is Describe a “new road” you’ve taken in your life.

Well, let’s see growing up I was a pretty good kid for the most part, I could be trusted, aka I didn’t get caught! No really, I was a good kid. Then I came home drunk for the first time at age fifteen, got arrested for shoplifting not too much farther down the path from that incident. Turned sixteen, got pregnant, and attended a garden variety of hotel parties along the road between my sixteenth birthday and said pregnancy. I had said child at age seventeen. Had my parent’s sign away their rights as parents about that time so I could get married. At age seventeen in Michigan your parents must provide signed consent in order for you to get a marriage license. Married in August of 1995 and lived the most horrific and tumultuous year of my entire life. It’s okay, my husband would agree with me on just how badly it sucked. So last week when I said that God chooses to use those that the world would consider garbage, yeah, um, I fit.

The hubs I often refer to in my blog is the one and only hubs, he decided that if the first year was that bad, it could only get better, right? Yes, he is the father of all five of my children as well. No, we didn’t use fertility treatments. Yes, perfect strangers do find it perfectly acceptable to inquire within. Really! There is nothing better than standing in line at Wal-Mart and the old lady behind you just has to know why in God’s name I have so many children and is it even possible to have convinced one man to father them all. Certainly, I had to of abused God’s laws and gave birth to genetic freaks or something. God forbid people actually fall in love, figure out how to re-fall-in-love and cohabitate!

Moving on, I worked full-time until after our third child was born. I was always good at whatever it was I put my hand to, pretty successful, and people liked me. I gradually became overwhelmed with guilt taking my kids to daycare every day and the expense of having three of them in daycare everyday soon became non-value-added. So the first major path I took in my life was deciding to be a stay-at-home mom. It has taken me about seven years to grow into this role! Uh, it didn’t come naturally. I wasn’t good at it, and you know what, people here didn’t really always like me either.

I’ve always run a pretty tight ship. I keep things organized, and have a no-bone- about-it kind of attitude. Okay, so I’m not nurturing and I’m a clean freak. But, when it comes to friendships, my ambitions, and meeting new people I have always stood in my own way. I was a shy person most of my life, lacked confidence in a real severe way, and I was a big, giant, people-pleasing, pushover.

A co-worker of my husband’s saw a handful of snapshots I had taken of my kiddos. Well, apparently, I have the “eye” for photography, a gift. This works out real well because as soon as I caught one glimpse of a photo blog, I had to have it! So I picked up my first digital SLR this year and worked my butt off. I’ve gained an obscene amount of knowledge as it relates to photography, composition, lighting, metering, etc. I’ve seen many a 2:00 in the morning and sacrificed a lot of time away from my husband and kids to get to where I am now.
I have grown a thicker layer of skin. I have been forced way outside my comfort zone; my box is almost non-existent now. I wanted to throw up all over my first couple of clients. I was so nervous. Now, I love meeting new people. I love getting to know them through the process. I often leave my sessions feeling like friend with my clients.

I have wanted to quit countless times. I refuse to let myself get halfway into anything and just quit though. I am going to see this through to the end. In return, God has blessed all things that I have put my hand to. I expected to have a photo blog riddled with images of my children because I sucked and no one would want to pay me for anything I could produce. But, God has blessed me with creativity, with skills, with a natural talent, and he has brought people out of every direction. I have had a steady flow of clients since the spring and I am truly blessed!
This road has been marked with suffering and struggles, with effort, with sleepless nights, and with countless thoughts of self deprivation. But, mostly, it has been marked with growth. Not just growth in the area of my skills but growth in who I am as a person. Somewhere along the line, I picked myself up off the ground. I wiped off the dirt from the front side and the shoe tracks from the backside and decided I know who I am, I know who I want to be, and I’m going to get there!

I have discovered a new sense of confidence. I have begun to love and accept myself. I have learned to resist battling everything that goes wrong with every person it goes wrong with. I have learned to forgive and love them anyway. I am in the process of learning to forgive myself. I have gained much and overcame much on this new road. Christ is the center of it all. He is author of my gifts and talents. He is my Lord and Savior. He is my forgiver. He is my restorer. He is my refuge, my peace, and my strength.

You are not in control, get used to it...

2008-12-15T07:01:00.000-08:00

"Not until we embrace God's sovereignty will we have the ability to reason our way through life theologically. Until then, we will be too important in the plan. Man's opinion will be too significant to us. And, we will churn and wrestle and struggle our way through the Christian life. Trying too hard to please people rather than living it relieved and relaxed in His plan." Taken from the book Mystery of God's Will by Charles Swindoll.

Sovereignty means God is in control. This is His life, His will, His plan, His world, and we are His people. Until we realize that we do not have sovereignty, we are not in control over us, we will not live in peace. We need to realize that we are not the ruler over our lives but that we were created to surrender it to His plan and trust Him. We need to realize that we are not in control of, nor can we change people. We also need to realize that until we purpose ourselves to live an obedient life to Christ, we will be people pleasers.

Being a people pleaser causes us to agree to things that there is no grace for. It causes an overcrowded schedule. It causes us to second guess certain things about ourselves. It causes us to harbor unforgiveness toward ourselves when we fail to please someone around us. My previous blog came from being too concerned with what others think of me. It is a three-fold thing for me. I am concerned with how others around me perceive me. I have learned this week that this way of thinking is bondage and I'm gettn' free! A portion of it was directed toward my husband because I know I've missed it with him on many occasions. I was angry, in part, with him because I can't live up to his expectations. He is seeking more right now than what I am capable of giving. Finally, I'm angry with myself because I know I'm not meeting his needs. It's sad when you feel like a continual failure, especially when 9 times out of 10 it is due to selfishness. My husband has always believed that people get defensive in certain situations because they feel guilty. I got angry with him because I know I'm failing in certain areas and frankly, I don't want to be reminded by his sad eyes.

When I first came to terms with our housing situation I had a friend tell me over and over to, well, get over myself because Jesus bought and paid for it all. he paid the price for my past. I actually didn't keep in contact with her because I wasn't sure about her beliefs and doctrine.

Philippians 3:12-16 NLT 12 I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to posses that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. 13 No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. 14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. 15 Let us all who are spiritually mature agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. 16 But we must hold on to the progress we have already made.

In verse 12 Paul is saying I'm not there, I'm not perfect. In verse 13 he is saying but his focus is on one thing, forgetting the past! In verse 15, he is saying that if you want to spend your life dwelling on the past and beating yourself up, you are spiritually immature. In verse 16 he is saying, I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be. Acknowledge the progress you have already made. Whoo hoo! That's good news people. So if I want to spend my time questioning God's promises, wondering whether he really forgives, and beating myself up, I'm being immature and wasting time. It takes a lot of faith to ask God to forgive you once, receive it, and move on.

Furthermore, God chooses to use people that the world would consider garbage. My value is not measured in what others think of me or even what I think of me. It is measured in what God thinks of me.

I am loved by God and He gave his one and only Son for me. (John 3:16)
I am a new creation in Christ; the old has gone and the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I have peace with God. (Romans 5:1) The Holy Spirit lives in me. (1 Corinthians 3:16) I have access to God's wisdom. (James 1:5)
I am helped by God. (Hebrews 4:16) I am reconciled to God. (Romans 5:11)
I am not condemned by God. (Romans 8:1)
I have Christ's righteousness. (Romans 5:19; 2 Corinthians 5:21)
I am completely forgiven. (Colossians 1:14)
I am tenderly loved by God. (Jeremiah 31:3)
I am the sweet fragrance of Christ to God. (2 Corinthians 2:15)
I am a temple in which God dwells. (1 Corinthians 3:16)
I am blameless and beyond reproach. (Colossians 1:22)
I am the salt of the earth. (Matthew 5:13)
I am the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14)
I am a branch on Christ's vine. (John 15:1,5)
I am Christ's friend. (John 15:5)
I am chosen by Christ to bear fruit. (John 15:16)
I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing His inheritance with Him. (Romans 8:17)
I am a member of Christ's body. (1 Corinthians 12:27) I am a saint. (Ephesians 1:1)
I am hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:3)
I am chosen by God, holy and dearly loved. (Colossians 3:12)
I am a child of the light. (1 Thessalonians 5:5)
I am holy, and I share in God's heavenly calling. (Hebrews 3:1)
I am sanctified. (Hebrews 2:11)
I am one of God's living stones, being built up in Christ as a spiritual house. (1 Peter 2:5)
I am firmly rooted and built up in Christ. (Colossians 2:7)
I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me. (1 John 5:18)
I have the mind of Christ. (1 Corinthians 2:16)

And the list goes on.... Not only are each of those verses about who I am in Christ, they are about who you are in Christ, as long as HE is Lord of your life!

Where's the blog lady?

2008-12-11T09:27:00.000-08:00

Okay people, I've had a couple of frustrating days and here is where I get honest. Like, really honest.

I was not raised in a christian, religious, or church going home. Well, for the most part. I used to occasionally sleep over Grandma's house and attend her episcopalian church with her. I loved to sit in the first pew and watch her sing in the choir. There was a time we lived in an apartment complex and on Saturday these two fellows from a Baptist church would come around and give out candy. You say, "yes, we're getting on the church bus tomorrow" and in return, they give you candy. Sunday morning this blue school bus would come around the complex and pick up all the kids that wanted to go to church, on the bus, and leave their parents at home. That seems odd to me but I loved it. My favorite part was when we got out of our own Sunday classes, I'd always find my youngest brother in a corner crying somewhere because he didn't know where to go or know where to find me or our other brother. It was usually the only time he'd let me mother him. Bad big sister, I know.

Anyway, not raised in a christian home with parents that prayed for me. I was allowed to watch movies at a young age that I never should have seen in my lifetime at all. I used to love hanging out with my cousin that was seven years older than me, she made me street smart. Well, my version of street smart but not hers. I never beat anyone up. I was allowed to watch MTV and for the most part I was a pretty good kid, oldest child, only daughter, so my parents trusted me and I had a lot of freedom. As I got older I smoked cigarettes, drank beer, smoked pot, got arrested for shoplifting, pregnant at seventeen. I did a lot of stupid crap.

I've been saved for more than ten years but I haven't been a dedicated christian with my nose in the bible daily for gosh, more than a year probably. There is a lot that needs to be burned off. I have been severely desensitized. Add to it, I'm damaged. I don't trust all that easily and I've been hurt by those closest to me. This means that those who I love most deal with the brunt of it. I love them more than anything or anyone else and it will hurt more if and when they disappoint me. It's easier for me to trust and be kind and encourage those that at arms length from me. I'm not attached so they can't hurt me. But, those I love and adore, I can't seem to let in at all.

Someone once said to me "maybe you aren't who you say you are." Nothing struck my core than those words. It hurt because it was true. I felt like a hypocrite. But now, now I'm just frustrated because I'm not a hypocrite. I'm a frickn' human! I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I hurt people. I say things I think are funny and hurt someones feelings in the process. I get angry and say things that are unkind. I do things even though I now better not to. I sin. Just because I am purposefully trying to improve the quality of my life and my after life does not mean I think I've got it all going on. I'm not riding on a high horse. I'm not holier than thou. I get it wrong. I don't intentionally set out to try and hurt people and if anyone I know feels that way, well, you don't know me at all.

I am all too aware of my faults, my shortcomings. I know who I want to be. There are people in my life that inspire me to become that person. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of prayer and a lot of dedication to get there. By the way, none of us ever really gets there. But, I know there are things I can do each day to bring me closer to the Lord, my husband, and my children. There are things I can do daily to make those around me feel loved. That is what I will continue to focus on.

I am not going to spend another day wondering if what I said offended this person or that person. I am not going to limit my personality or tip toe around. I am who I am. Sometimes I'm funny. Sometimes I'm cranky. Sometimes I'm cuddly and somethings I don't want to be touched. Sometimes I'm friendly and sometimes I'm shy. Sometimes I need to be loved and feel loved but I just don't know how.

Don't get me wrong, I will continue to be kind and friendly, considerate, and walk in love but I will no longer apologize for things that I am unintentionally doing or unaware of. I will no longer second guess myself. I wasn't put here to please people. I was put here to worship the Lord, and serve people. To let my life be an example of his love, to please him, not people.

With the person I used to be came behaviors and habits that I no longer with to participate in. I'm not being judgemental. I know that I am the one being judged. In Revelations chapter 2, the Lord said he would kill the children of Jezebel who called herself a prophet, taught people to commit sexual sin, and eat food offered by idols. He says, then all the churches will know that I am the one who searches out the thoughts and intentions of every person.

God takes sin very seriously and we all will be judged. There are people around me who do not have the same views and beliefs. But, I take my faith very seriously. I know that what I do and what I teach my children will carry from generation to generation. I owe it to my children and grandchildren to live the best life, Christ centered, and do and be what he has called me to be. So I don't stand in judgement because I am all to preoccupied with that which I know I will be judged for.

There are others around me that need me to be more. More loving, more compassionate, more giving, more nurturing. This is strange territory for me. It will only be possible through the continual filling of love from God in my life daily, my own prayers, and prayers of others. It was my husband last night who said "where's the blog lady?" This blog is a representation of the very best of who I am and away from this blog, outside of prayer and the presence of God, it gets uglier. All I can say is, I know who I want to be. Lord, change me, I am willing to be changed.

In the mean time, for my husband and the rest of those out there that I know and love who are under the impression that I think I'm all that and a bag of chips, I'm not, nor do I think I am. I am fully aware of my faults. I am haunted by hurtful things I've said, arguments, disagreements, and a curious mind of what others think of me. I truly try to be the best possible me to everyone I meet, know, and love but I do miss it sometimes. If I've missed it with you, I'm truly sorry. Forgive me.

My Source

2008-12-08T07:12:00.000-08:00

Last week, I started to mention a few areas that I feel led to dig a little deeper. Yet another area I need to concentrate on is, selfishness. I'm not an only child but I often behave as though I was raised as one. I am the only girl, the oldest child, perfectionist, classic type 'a' personality. I am also a control freak and like when I make the plan and we do my plan. I like my ideas. I'm not so good at playing out other people's ideas. So, when I read this in my lil' Joyce Meyer devotional this morning it clicked with me. This is the place I'm trying to get to:

Enjoy Liberty
James 1:12 Blessed is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive a crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.

Life is miserable when we won't listen to anybody else, or when we get mad every time somebody doesn't agree with us. To be so emotionally ruled and controlled that we are stressed every time something doesn't go our way is bondage. When Jesus sets us free, it means that we are free not to get upset just because we don't get everything we want.
It is wonderful to be free. We can give thanks for the liberty to receive God's help and walk in patience despite our circumstances. Our lives can be happy, blessed, and peaceful. We can experience joy no matter what the situation may be.

The first point I want to make is this, the crown in the verse above is the crown I spoke of last week, my husband's will be custom made people. The second point being, um, wow, bondage. That is a revelation for me. This short little passage demonstrates that the personality traits that I'm not proud of can be changed. This is good news. I know I need to spend more time reading the scriptures and memorizing the ones that tell us who I am and we are are in Christ.

One more bit that I want to add is from The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. The holiday season can, in any year, seem overwhelming and rushed, and leave our wallets a little dry. This year especially, many families are troubled with a lot of uncertainty, loss of jobs, etc. I want to share this passage with you to remind us to keep our eyes on our source. To be grateful for the miracle he has already done for us and I just love the way it is described in this portion of the book.

"Remember what God has already done for you. If God never did anything else for you, he would still deserve your continual praise for the rest of your life because of what Jesus did for you on the cross. God's son died for you! This is the greatest reason for worship.

Unfortunately, we forget the cruel details of the agonizing sacrifice God made on our behalf. Familiarity breeds complacency. Even before his crucifixion, the Son of God was stripped naked, beaten until almost unrecognizable, whipped, scorned and mocked, crowned with thorns, and spit on contemptuously. Abused and ridiculed by heartless men, he was treated worse than an animal.

Then, nearly unconscious from blood loss, he was forced to drag a cumbersome cross up a hill, was nailed to it, and was left to die the slow, excruciating torture of death by crucifixion. While his lifeblood drained out, hecklers stood by and shouted insults, making fun of his pain and challenging his claim to be God.

Next, as Jesus took all of mankind's sin and guilt on himself, God looked away from that ugly sight, and Jesus cried out in total desperation, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Jesus could have saved himself-but then he could not have saved you.

Words cannot describe the darkness of that moment. Why did God allow and endure such ghastly, evil mistreatment? Why? So you could be spared from eternity in hell, and so you could share in his glory forever!"

What stands out most for me in the story of Jesus' death is that he too has felt forsaken by God the Father. As believers, we all have seasons where the Lord is quiet. The bible promises us that he will never leave us, nor forsake us. I believe the Lord's promises. In the faith teaching at church over the last several weeks and through my own experience, I have learned that the silence is a test of our faith. Will I continue to trust and obey when I have no sense of his presence? I committed myself just yesterday morning at church to continually praise him. If I never feel his anointing or sense his presence again, I will worship him anyway. We are not called to worship for ourselves, we are servants, what he does for us is a bonus, a blessing.

We celebrate this holiday season because we are thankful for the Lord's birth. Because his birth led to a sin free life. Because his sin free life paid the price for each one of us when he was put to death on the cross that day. Jesus is the reason for the season! He is savior! He is my source! I will not look to the economy, my husband's job, my parent's, or any other source to supply my needs. I will look to the father.

Happy Holidays!

Writer's Workshop High School

2008-12-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

2. Are you still friends with your high school friends? Describe them.

This particular workshop is not that far off from where my heart has been the last couple of weeks. There are a handful of girls that I kept in touch with from high school and a few more I still think of fondly from time to time.

I was a member of a foursome that, since our ten-year reunion, got together monthly for a "t-party". Our t-parties are a traveling party where each of us takes turns hosting the gathering from month to month.

I, one year, hosted our Christmas party and went overboard. Our home had two Christmas trees and every surface indoors and out was covered in holiday cheer. The dining room table had a lovely runner down the center and the center piece was made up of glittered reindeer, three glass cylinders that held pillar candles and tiny crystal votives. Each place setting was perfectly set and the name cards were attached to ornaments that were glittered snowflakes. My home looked like we were going to try and summon the dead with all the candles we had going in every room. Entertaining is one of my very favorite things to do and I loved putting so much love and effort into every detail for the ones that are most important to me. I was aptly donned, Martha Stewart.

Ms. McButta' is like the middle child, the peace keeper. She is more neutral than Switzerland people! She has a pure and tender heart. Loyal to the core. So easy to talk to and one you can trust with absolutely anything. It would be easy for anyone reading this, who knew of our foursome, or any member of us, to decide who is who from the nicknames and personality traits. If you know me personally, you probably know Ms. McButta' and if you haven't already figured out who she is, this will for sure be a dead giveaway. Everybody loves Ms. McButta'! It's sort of an inside joke. Except that anyone who has ever met, or seen for that matter, Ms. McButta' is in on it because truly, if you know her, you love her. She has been this way since she arrived at Harwood Elementary in 5th grade.

Half of us karaoked and the other half watched in pure delight from the sidelines and danced along. One of us is crazy enough to impersonate Tina Turner, quite well too actually and crawl along the dance floor to Madonna's Like A Virgin. One of us does an extremely animated and totally hysterical version of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. Actually, all her performances are extremely animated and she does a mean impersonation of just about any country song too. One of us is purely a one-hit-wonder whose only sold out performance was of Britney Spears Hit Me Baby One More Time. Last but not least, one of us sits on the sidelines and cries along to It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To. I will neither claim nor deny which, if any, of these performances are mine. Half of us are wild, crazy, outgoing, and unstoppable, while the other half lives vicariously through their adventures.

Boobs McGee, well her and I go back to fourth grade! We spent the worst day of our lives together. It was Father's Day, we made a huge mistake and that's all your getting out of me. I still often wonder if her mother has ever gotten over that day. Ah! I'm sure she has, or at least that's what I'll keep telling myself. I recently attended the a gathering in honor of Ms. McGee and each guest was asked to introduce themselves, explain how we know Ms. McGee, and what we appreciate most about her. I gave my name, explained we've been friends since 1776, and what I appreciate most about her is how direct she is. I always know where I stand with her, and where she stands on most things because she just tells ya like it is. Ms. McGee isn't the affectionate type which only makes me want to love on her more. I can't help it, she's got a built in set of pillows! The gathering in honor of Ms. McGee was her bachelorette party. She has since married her best friend and people, you should see the way he looks at her. The twinkle in his eye could blind someone! Mr. J, the game is not over!

Last but not least is Auntsy P. This part is both the easiest and the hardest. I know her the best and vice versa, but Auntsy P and I, if you have been following my blog, are recently estranged. Ms. P and I go back to Mr. McIntryes class in 7th grade. Stay on task! Mr. Gerling, Skate World, hotel parties, homecoming, smoking cigarettes, taunting boys, daisy dukes, and so many other things come to mind when I think of her. Ms. P shares my love of music and so many songs I hear hold a memory of a time I shared with her. We also share a love for dance, booty shaking, lip pouting, dancing! Each of us does have a "signature" move too by the way. Each of us also has at least one photo album full of over 400 pictures from these parties. Many of them are self portraits. Or, pictures we took ourselves with each other in lou of asking our mates to do it for us. But most of them are of us laughing so hard you can see clear to our tonsils! Just the music aspect reminds me of how much we have in common and we harshly disagree on certain things.

We've always had kind of a love/hate thing going. There is something that connects us. When we bond, we really bond. Our similarities can't be more similar but our differences couldn't be more different. We've fought like sisters, like cats and dogs, and for a long time overcame and resolved each issue. We've had seasons of distance between us before but there has always been something that somehow reconnects us.

We used to talk about living next door to each other, sitting on our front porches, sipping tea, and watching the kids and eventually grand kids play in the yard. I hope her future is a blessed one. She is also recently married, her husband has three children whose footsteps and laughter will fill the rooms in their new home. This place in her life is what she has been waiting for. She has a new life, newly married, new home, a family all her own. With the home came the big front porch she dreamed of. While the best friend that will swing with her there is not who occupied our previous plans, I'm certain he'll care for her. If there is any one thing I could do for her now, to draw a line, to move on, to provide closure, it would be the gift of a porch swing.

Mr. E & Mr. J, if ever you come upon this, Take care of her! When you offer to unload the dishwasher and she says "no, I've got it." Unload it! Keep the toilet seat down and for pete sake, don't pee on it! Remember, often times "no" means "yes" and "yes" really means "no." It's your responsibility to learn the difference. Buy her cards that play music. It's the little things in life that keep it fresh and make her feel loved. Take care of her, take care of you!

xoxo - M. Stewart aka Bear aka Kari

Now it's your turn. Choose a prompt:

1.) Tag! Post and write about the 6th picture from the 6th folder of your Flickr (or similar) account and then do the same for the 6th picture of the 6th folder on your computer.

2.) Are you still friends with you high school friends? Describe them.

3.) If you had to star in a reality tv show, which one would it be and why?

4.) Describe a time when your pet caused chaos.

And then post it on your blog and sign Mr. Linky at Mama's Losin' It to participate.

I Hope You Dance

2008-12-04T06:15:00.000-08:00

I received this in an e-mail yesterday....

FOOTPRINTS...A New Version

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.

But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns. For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling, His consistently.

You and Jesus are walking as true friends!

This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps.

Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one. This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger. Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.

This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints. You are amazed and shocked.

Your dream ends. Now you pray: 'Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You.'

'That is correct.'

'And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely.'

'Very good. You have understood everything so far.'

When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way.'

'Precisely.'

So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first.

There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice.

'You didn't know? It was then that we danced!'

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.

I am all too grateful to be in a place where my prints are no longer a tangled, disorganized mess. I have come a long way and changed much in a year however, I'm not yet dancing. I should say me and Jesus, we are friends. My toes are beginning to tap and as I continue to be consistant and seek him, I look forward to the dance!

Choose to be changed...

2008-12-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

Before I did any reading this morning, before I got to any part of my study, I found myself uttering over and over "change me, change me, change me."

I've got a couple of things going on that I feel compelled to study and look into a bit deeper. The first is the power of my tongue. Luke 12:34 says For where your heart is there will your treasure be also. Our heart is the key to who we are. To how mature we are, to what we treasure, to what we hold most important, it is where we store our confidences, our secrets, and our fears. The heart is the storehouse, our mouths are the vessel that gives us away. The heart is the well, the water within the well is our treasure, and the bucket is our tongue that delivers it. Our words reveal who we are and what we stand for. It isn't my writing, my blog, or my prayers that has me concerned. It's the things I say without thinking that have me concerned. How I speak about our finances, the things I say unknowingly over my children (oh that one is handful, well no wonder, I just confessed it!), etc.

I have this place I get caught in, my husband calls it a "mode." It's a place where the walls to up and get bolted to the ceiling. There isn't an ounce of light coming in. You can say whatever you want to me and it won't effect me. I'm officially turned off. However, my mouth gets turned on and out of it flows ugly, vile, and harmful words. It's like something takes over all together. Well that was easy to share (she said in a sarcastic tone). So knowing my words hold power, power to change and create circumstances, power to heal, and even power to hurt is a revelation in it's own right. But, apparently it isn't enough to keep my mouth from spewing things I ought not be uttering. I really want to delve more into this area and dig up some scripture to help combat against the temptation to say things that contradict how I want my future to be shaped. More importantly, I need to get to the core of what I harbor inside the ugly spots of my heart and get those areas cleaned up.

First thing in the morning is always a tough, tough, time for me. Not that I should be confessing this, with trying to monitor my words and all, but for now it's just true, I wake up defensive. I wake up moody, cranky, angry, irritated. And, with the flow of crying in this house each morning, ugh! it can be ugly. I get bombarded with all kinds of thoughts that go against what I know to be true. I start to fear about my husband's job. Worry about our finances. There are issues I have with my children that start to boggle around in there and it's just torture. There are times when I suffer quietly and just move the kids about their routine. If my poor unlucky husband is home when my feet hit the floor, look out! He gets it. So far, this is fun! No?

I came across this quote today and I have no idea who this is, I just know this is the guy who said it V. Raymond Edman said "never doubt in the dark what God told you in the light." Wow! that is super good stuff! My dark place is first thing in the morning because my feet hit the ground running and I think the devil probably enjoys my mornings. So, I've got to change up my mornings. I do have a time set aside to read, study, update my blog, pray, etc. but it's after the house is empty and everyone is off to school.

My favorite part of Facebook might just be flair. My favorite is the one that says "be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says "ahhhh CRAP she's up!" If I want my morning to change from entertaining the devil to making him tremble, I'm going to have to change my morning. I'm going to have to get up a bit earlier and take control of my day, my thoughts, and in the process my future!

There are some other things I want to delve into too but I think that'll have to be another post. In conclusion for today, the world isn't going to change, the people around me probably aren't going to change, so I have to change.

Catching Up...

2008-12-02T09:51:00.000-08:00

Last week the hubs was home from work most of the week and the kiddos were all off from school. We spent some necessary time together doing, well, nothing really. Sounds great no? We did get the kids up to the community pool a couple of times which they all thoroughly enjoy.

I spent hours sewing these little banners together for Mallory and Hailey's preschool class. And, today I went to school with them to help the class get started on this cute little holiday project. I absolutely enjoyed being with them at school. I enjoyed seeing how they interact with their friends and who their best buds are. I was excited about this morning and didn't think much of being there until the crowd of five doubled to ten and grew further to fifteen before the cars finally stopped arriving and we had seventeen four-year-olds in class this morning. On my way down the hall I started to unravel a bit at the idea of being trapped in a small room full of rambunctious four-year-olds for 2.5 hours! I am so thoroughly impressed what how smoothly their classroom is ran. The class does the same activity in the same order every day so the kids know exactly what to expect and what comes next. The room was so even tempered, there was minimal tattling which shocked me the most, and they weren't the least bit noisy. So I was left without the panic and was able to really observe my sweet girls and see how they spend their mornings away from mommy. I loved it! So much, I'm going back tomorrow!

So the family has kept me from a blog a bit lately but I have really enjoyed their company.

I'd like to take a peak back into the Bring the Rain posts for a second. I've noticed all these cute little sayings all over the stores lately that remind me that trials build character. I might pick one of them up next time I see one.

I want to also thank each of you who left comments and/or e-mailed me with your stories and encouraging words. I was blessed with a lot of good biblical advice and I thoroughly appreciate it!

As a final wrap-up from those posts, I want to mention that I did send off a note to the person I hope to still call a friend one day. Although I was hurt at first and confused, I'm not any longer, nor am I angry. I think I've changed a bit in the last year which has had a dramatic effect on our friendship. I promised to be here for her if and when she ever needs to chat or for anything at all. I will always think of her and pray for her and I'll certainly miss her. We never did chat about the circumstances but the details are unimportant to me. Not because I don't care, but because setting it all aside so that I can continue to think fondly of her is much more important. How we treat each other is much more important to me than forcing a discussion, apology, or explanation. All I can do is be here for her if ever she needs me and lift her up in prayer when she comes to mind.

I am thankful to be covered in peace. To know that my thoughts on how my husband and I should proceed with our future seem to be in line with my husband's ideas too which is awesome! I'm counting my blessings today!

A few of my favorite things...

2008-11-26T09:47:00.000-08:00

Well in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday, the heir of being thankful, and feeling blessed, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite things. A few things that cause me to pause, take a deep breathe, and appreciate the small things.

snugglebugs
a 4-year-old that wants to marry the "hot" boy Dominic at school. For real! This makes me both giggle and panic!
the smell of cold, yet not the feel of cold
the smell of skunks and coffee
a perfect mocha for breakfast and after dinner too, why not.
chai tea
looking forward to a full polish meal tomorrow along with some pumpkin pie and probably a glass of Kahlua, so rich and yummy!
fire in the fireplace
an upcoming celebration with friends
single friends that are now married friends
kids who get great grades
twins that adore each other
a clean house
a to do list that has nearly everything crossed off
some holiday shopping with the hubs today
spending a gift card I got for my birthday
getting a good deal
I'm super excited to buy the gifts I know will surprise my kids and make their eyes sparkle too
a secret gift for mom
a much needed break from a busy photographic season
family photos
daily devotions
connecting with bloggy friends
healing from prior hurts
remembering past holidays in the old house and not shedding a single tear
ahhhh! the comfort of healing and peace
knowing the Lord is in control
His presence
laughter, lots of laughter
flowers the hubs brought home from the grocery store, even though, I should have been the one apologizing
it's a feel good day, a feel good season, and Jesus is the reason for the season!

Bring the Rain Part IV

2008-11-20T07:20:00.000-08:00

The tail end of Hebrews began to cover the idea that we need to combine our faith with action. We need to read God's word and be obedient to it as well. As I continue to read on from Hebrews into James this idea, this lesson, only becomes more clear. I'm not sure how any person can sit and read through the bible and not know there is a God. How can one book that I believe to have been written by Paul so easily lead into the teaching from James? Because, the Lord is the author! I'm in awe of his many facets and talents and how a giant puzzle that makes no sense can be pulled together and all in the perfect timing of when I/we need it. Wow!

As I grapple with the idea of forgiving a friend for a very painful event and trying to forge ahead to somehow save what is left of our friendship at the same time, my direction comes from James.

James 2:12 So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.

First of all, let me point out that it doesn't say if he judges you, it says when. We will all be judged, even believers. I have been accused of being judgemental or "riding a high horse." One thing I want to clarify is that I do not pass judgement on this friend or any person based on their actions or the things they do with their lives. I know all too well that I will be judged as well. I have no place pointing the finger or throwing stones at others when I am fully aware of my own faults and sins. Even more so, the bible promises that those who do judge will be judged greater! I've got enough that I need to answer for, I really don't need to make it worse by adding to it by worrying about someone elses faults, actions, or mistakes. I wish I could say that I'm perfect and I never look at a person and draw my own conclusions. But, I can't, I'm not perfect.

Not only am I not passing judgement on this friend for this situation or any situation, I am offering mercy. I am offering forgiveness. I remember the condition of my heart, mind, and soul before I surrendered to Jesus. I was lonely, suffering, tormented, and angry. I was and still do struggle with anger. Now, I'm not accusing this friend of feeling lonely or tormented or anything of the like. I can only assume because even Christians are lonely. Even Christians get hurt, feel betrayed, get angry, and feel sad. We will never be truly fulfilled on this earth, it isn't our final place. None of us will feel completely fulfilled until we reach eternity in heaven with Him.

James 2:14 What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone?

James 2:17 So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.

James 2:19-22 You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. How foolish! Can't you see that faith without good deeds is useless? Don't you remember that our ancestor Abraham was shown to be right with God by his actions when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see, his faith and his actions worked together. His actions made his faith complete.

I provided the previous scriptures as a baseline just to talk about James 2:22 His actions made his faith complete.

Now my friend and a few others can attest to this. In previous times of misunderstanding I would fly off the handle in anger, pointing fingers, accusing, and making excuses for my own actions. My faith is very important to me. Doing the right thing, being obedient to God, and doing what he would do is very important to me. This current situation has been building for some time. I have forgiven each time I was hurt, each time I felt betrayed as others would relay to me things that she had said and/or done. I didn't go running back and demand an explanation or an apology. I just forgot it and went on loving. I was only trying to put my faith into action. Though there were others that told me I was merely behaving like a doormat. So I tried to behave like a servant but didn't fully understand all that meant. I was still asking myself "what about me, what about my needs, why aren't you there for me, and how can you say or think that about me, do I mean anything to you at all?" But, being a servant is one-sided. My purpose here is not to collect people to serve my needs. My purpose here is to be a servant to those people.

I a reminded of scriptures that speak of Jesus being a servant. Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.

(The next few words are a synopsis from a teaching from sermonnotebook.org)

Love of a humble servant: John 13:1 This verse talks about Jesus knowing his ministry on earth was coming to an end. That he loved his disciples during his ministry on earth and now he loved them to the very end. Jesus knows he was about to be put through a torturous death and yet he was overcome with love for them, unconditional, eternal love. He knew before the betrayal that he would be betrayed, yet, he still loved unconditionally! Forgave even before he was betrayed.

You can read the rest of the sermon here: http://sermonnotebook.org/new%20testament/John%2013_1-20.htm

My point is, I'm at a place in my life now where regardless as to what I have to gain or lose by sharing my life with those I love, I will love them and be there for them regardless. I am not going to try and settle every score or even discuss with the people why they do certain things. Sure, I have questions. I'd love to know why so-and-so said this and why so-and-so did that but that is my purpose here. The bible talks about in John:13 during the Passover meal how Jesus washes the feet of his disciples. He put himself in the most humble of positions to demonstrate his unconditional love for these people. Jesus calls us to do the same. To serve others. To share his love with those around us at all costs so that they might one day find the truth and surrender to Jesus. Our whole existence is for the sake of the gospel. Getting as many souls as possible into the realm of heaven where we were created to be, with Him for eternity in his presence.

I may be the only source of God's love that may friend will ever see. I lay down my feelings and my hurts and forgive. It is what Jesus would do to share his love. It is what he does for me daily to share his love with me. I truly want the very best for my friend. I have in recent weeks spoken many loving words over her and I meant every single word of it. She will always hold a special place in my heart. I will always think of her and pray for her. If and when a time should come that she has need of me for anything, I will be there. It is my purpose in this life to worship my Lord. It is my purpose to allow him and his word to renew my mind. To be made more in his image every day. To allow his love that resides within me to overflow onto those around me. If I weren't full of him, full of his word, full of his love, I wouldn't be able to proceed this way. I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue and resist trying to defend myself, my reputation. I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation to demand and explanation. This is the time in my life where I finally can say I have faith. I truly do believe in what I say I believe in. So much so that I will lay down my flesh and do the right thing. Do good deeds. Show mercy, love, and forgiveness. I can honestly say at this moment I have no hard feelings, only peace, love, and hope for a future that is bright for her. I have tried to my core to be the best, honest, loyal, giving, and supportive person I can possibly be. I can't even begin to fathom how that got twisted but it must have. I just pray that blinders be removed and the truth be revealed. That my intentions, my pure motivations, my heart, and my love for her be shown in truth.

I would love to call and talk it out but I'm certain it will only mean excuses and say to each other only what we think the other wants to hear. So, I am in the process of prayerfully writing a letter. Not one where I will attempt to defend my name. There is nothing to defend. Not one where I make excuses. There is nothing to make excuses for. But, one where I try to explain that it is as if none of it ever happened. I don't care how or why. I'm drawing a line in the sand. Hopefully not one that separates us but one that separates the bad from the good, with both of us standing on the side of the good, together. In a way, some things will never be the same. But my love and loyalty to her will never change.

In closing, what was really a super long post divided into sections, two songs come to mind. The first is Love Is Not a Fight. Love is not a fight but worth fighting for. May the angels always keep the doors barred when either of us tries or wants to quit. Todd, you're stuck with me for eternity! You were created just for me! The second song is Call My Name by Third Day who has to be one of my favorite bands. This is a song I can certainly still relate to from time to time. It's purpose today is for those who haven't yet surrendered. You wander in sadness, loneliness, and pain. There is a savior for you. There is relief. You have a place in his arms and he longs for you to be with him. He loves you! Just call his name. The sweet name of Jesus. Maybe you aren't without love but still something is missing. Peace still evades you. Jesus is the cure. I know it once sounded ridiculous to me. We often say and hear "Jesus saves." You won't understand all those two words truly mean until you have a revelation of his love for you in your life. "Saves" doesn't even begin to articulate what he does for us. But, it is what he does in every capacity, in every area, in every facet possible he saves us. Call his name. Whisper it even, Jesus. Every hair on your head is counted and every tear caught by his loving hand. Jesus.

Bring the Rain Part III

2008-11-18T09:04:00.000-08:00

I left off yesterday in an spot where I feel like, according my flesh anyway, I have a right to my feelings and a right to decide to no longer subject myself to continual hurt. But, there is always this part of me that asks what Jesus would do. I know certainly he wouldn't fold his arms and go stomping off like a two-year old. I know for certain he wouldn't retaliate, seek revenge, or point blame. But, what would he do? I know for certain he would forgive. But after forgiveness, does he continue to befriend one that he knows will betray him again in the end? In at least one instance, the answer is yes. So is that what what I do? I'm certain I dropped subtle hints regarding my lack of happiness over the situation which means a conversation will have to be had. How do I communicate my feelings without causing offense? Should I have to? The first part is easy, forgive. Okay done, check that one off the list. But, how to proceed then. Is there a way to combine all of God's truths and sort things in a loving way without offending? I would like to have one of those to go then please. Anyway, moving on...

Okay, now I'm just going to list a few things that give me hope and make me feel better.

James 1:12 God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

And imagine my astonishment when I read Hebrews 1: 13 after learning last week that the very thing that Satan tries to do in our lives is bring about crap in our lives that will make us blame and accuse God. It says And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, "God is tempting me." God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else.

I am being tempted in several areas at this time. I'm not being tempted by God but God is allowing me, like Job, to be tested. For so many reasons. To reveal my weaknesses, where I need this presence and divine intervention and so much more.

The rest of my reading in Hebrews is rounded out with a command to be a quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. It continues by advising that we not only read the word and listen to God but that we do it. It isn't enough to read the command "slow to anger." I must read it, get it, understand it, and do it. So here is where the message on Sunday comes in. I love how the Lord just weaves it all together for me. I'm confronted with temptation, how do I overcome it? Like David who took out Goliath by compiling smooth stones and smacking him dead in the forehead with it, I need to create my own pile of stones. Scripture. The scripture I need depends on the temptation. The biggest thing I think God is trying to do in me recently is enhance my patience, learn to control my moods, learn to patiently think things through, pray, process them, and not just jump quickly to anger and react. I need to grab one or two scriptures that will help me overcome this particular temptation of mine and start speaking them aloud, testing the word. I will have to do this with many kinds of temptation while gathering many different kinds of stone and having to test each stone. So when a major battle comes up again, I will have a full satchel of good proven stones in my artillery to combat any situation. Only God can take three completely disjointed circumstances, messages, and lessons and combine them together with one simple direction to answer all three. Find the scripture you need, meditate on it, and start to speak it aloud. That one little direction will give me all I need, if I do it, to keep my anger in check, grow more patient, forgive others, and prepare me for future temptation and trials.

Back to the situation with Todd for a second. We've come to realize that something regarding our future is brewing. Doors are about to open. Opportunities are waiting. More importantly, what ever it is, God is at work. His hand is over us, over our future, and there is a path ahead that the Lord would like us to pursue. I thought it was one thing but I'm truly getting a sensing that I was totally wrong and it is something all together completely different and I'm completely clueless. But, I do know that when strife starts to stir in my marriage it is Satan's first line of defense. It's his game plan to get our eyes and ears off of what God has coming for us and distract us into something different. In circumstances passed, we'd fall for it, make a wrong move, and figure it out later, after it was too late. This time, we're on to you buster! This foundation isn't shaking and there isn't a move we're making until we are sure it is exactly what God has in mind. So bring on the strife, the rain, and the calamity because what I know is my character and my endurance will be strengthened. My faith will grow. I will obey anyway and in return my family will be blessed. It takes rain to make the grass green, so bring on the rain!

I have some final words on the situation with my friend and how I feel led to proceed. I'll share my direction from the Lord tomorrow and how I plan to try and resolve things with this person as well.

Bring the Rain Part II

2008-11-18T09:01:00.000-08:00

I left off yesterday with the notion of forgiveness, so let's continue...

So this is the part where I smile, clenching my teeth and speak like a ventriloquist through my clenched teeth and say, "I forgive you" knowing my ability to endure has grown a touch. Okay, really in the grand scheme of things I do really understand exactly where He is going with this. I understand. I know exactly what I'm supposed to do. Yet, it can be so hard to just let things go. To forgive. So today I will stretch my faith a bit further and proclaim my forgiveness toward this person. I may not feel it now, but in faith I forgive and the feelings will follow.

There are a couple of things I'm taking from this though, one is I'm sure there are things that I unknowingly and/or unintentionally did to hurt this person also. I also understand that the people of this earth are all human. None of us is capable of being all that we need each other to be. People will hurt us. We will have our feelings hurt and we will disappoint others as well. So are we really supposed to just continue to subject ourselves to the hurt that we've come to expect if the source is constant? Is there ever a time when we are allowed to draw a line in the sand? There are times when I often ask a question and follow it with scripture or my opinion but not this time. This time I'm really looking for some advice, preferably biblical. When is enough, enough?

Here is where I'm going with this, 1 Corinthians 12:4-8, these verses are not just for marriage but for every person who loves another. Love is patient, kind, not jealous boastful or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Okay, I think I got my answer actually but I was really hoping for a loop hole here. I have done the whole be patient, kind, not jealous, boastful or rude thing. This person says things to other people and I've had so many of them repeated back to me. I have washed it away, forgotten. I am aware of the scriptures that tell us to forgive, not seek revenge, and not to waive my finger at another and say "but you did this, this, and this." I have heard the words but taken the high road, ignored them, and opted to not get others involved as well. I am aware of so many things that this person has done to betray my trust. This is not about jealousy. It is about lack of trust and lack of loyalty. So if this person has so clearly demonstrated their lack of value for my friendship, then is it okay to fold in the towel? When it comes to my marriage I will hold fast to never giving up, never losing faith, staying hopeful, and enduring all circumstances. But, what about friendships? There is much that has never been discussed because I have tried to uphold my values and forgive and not confront. At this point, I'd like to continue to forgive but no longer put myself out there to have to endure more that I will have to forgive again. I think I'm just going to have to keep praying until I have peace with exactly how to proceed.

The conclusion tomorrow...

Bring The Rain Part I

2008-11-18T06:45:00.000-08:00

Today, what I really wanted to do is blast those who have offended me. But, then I open my bible, flip back to Hebrews and find Hebrews 12:14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. And, Hebrews 12:1 which says Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. And slowly, while my mind is still screaming and gripping to anger, the notion of forgiveness starts to seep in. How can I not forgive when I have so freely been forgiven?

And in a way that is now true to God's form with me, he uses circumstances from my own life to demonstrate. So this time, he has recalled to mind a time, well it was Sunday actually, when I behaved like a belligerent idiot (toward my husband). Then he reminds me how the person (Todd) I offended handled it. Then, I repent for both the time I acted like the belligerent idiot (which is the situation where I was needing forgiveness) and for the unforgivenness I've now been harboring for days (which is the situation where I'm supposed to be the forgiver, but not toward Todd, he's great). Following me? In one case, I'm really upset with someone for something they did. In another case, Todd should have been really upset with me for how I treated him. I'm the one needing the forgiveness that I do ultimately receive. This is the part where my husband would typically request I say the following, "My husband is so smart and I should just listen to him." I'm still rolling my eyes though, just like I would if he were here.

Hubby and I had an argument, I lost control, completely. Ridiculously. He gave me space, let me cool off, which is Todd's code for praying that I get a revelation of how wrong I am. Well, the revelation never came so we tried talking it out instead. This went okay, some minor areas of frustration came up and things were almost resolved until, I refused to cave. So we're both back to angry again which is only my attempt to keep him at bay because really, how long can the guy really tolerate me for before he quits on me? Not logical, but it's where my mind goes when things start to get a bit shaky. But, instead of staying angry and providing the hoped for silent treatment, he climbs into bed with me and wraps me in his arms. He tells me "I don't know what else to do but love you." Yes, your hearts can all melt now. I know mine did! Do you know the kind of selflessness and self sacrifice and level of forgiveness that requires? I do, only I've proven to be too stubborn to go there. He loved me, he forgave me, all things are good. Except, that when he gets home tonight, I need to apologize because I never did. Gee, I must sound real appealing by now. You do really get the good, the bad, and the ugly when you visit me here.

So anyway, as the two separate instances begin to play back in my mind, I come upon James. James 1:2-4 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

Faithfulness

2008-11-13T06:54:00.000-08:00

As part of my journey through The Mystery of God's Will by Charles Swindoll, I was struck by two questions: What makes risk so difficult for you? Are you willing to make a major change in your life--assuming that it's the Lord's will? And, here are my responses.

Risk for me is difficult for fear of failure. I'm the oldest child, the only daughter, classic type 'A' personality. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of doing what I think is Christ's prompting and being wrong. And, unfortunately, I have to admit that taking a risk may mean doing something that others in my life won't agree with. So, fear of disappointing others.

Starting a business in photography or pursuing my hobby was a risk. Without the nudging and encouragement from my husband it was a move I never would have made. This often comes as a surprise to people for some reason, but I am the shyest person on the planet. What on earth would a person like me be doing in a business where I have to meet new people all the time, get to know them in a few short sentences, feel easy with them, and make them feel easy with me so I can capture intimate moments, family memories, etc.? My first few sessions, prayer was all that got me through. It was either test God to carry me, make my mouth move, and stop shaking or throw up on my clients. As much as I truly love what I do. I love the artistic and creative aspect of it and although I do even like meeting new people, it's tough for me. My personality has been stretched and super-sized in a few short months. Putting it in the hands of God was my only option.

Then there were always the questions I'd torture myself with: what if they don't like me, what if I take all bad shots, what if they hate them anyway, what if I forget what I'm doing. But, somehow God always saw me through. From hello, it's showtime and I'm fine.

It's been a crazy ride too. I didn't know how long it would take for me to begin to build a portfolio and then to receive phone calls from strangers who actually wanted to book me because they love my work. In truth, I'm not even through my first year yet. God has truly shown up, proven he is who he says he is and he does what he says he will do. I am blessed.

As a general rule, the difficulty with risk is failure. Making the wrong choice, doing the wrong thing, messing up, or disappointing others.

I am absolutely 100% committed to making a major change in my life if I know it's the Lord's will. I think I have already done so. I was my own biggest barrier and God managed to get me, out of my own way. If he can my mountain of a self, he can move any mountain. Todd and I have been seeking a major change, waiting for a door to open. We both believe that door will open then we just have to confirm that it's the right door, the one we are supposed to walk through. This new door, even though it is one we are hoping for will come with many blessings but it also will come with more pain and more tough stuff as well. Nothing God ever asks us to do is easy is it? He always manages to stretch us in some capacity. To continue to build our character.

I have owned this book I'm reading for years and I don't find it a coincidence that I've chosen now to read it. Each day of reading is a segway into the next day and it all flows like a big story and the story is weaved between my life, this Charles Swindoll book, the bible, and the decisions that lay ahead.

Yesterday, in my yearly bible I read Hebrews chapter 11. Later while reading my book I underlined this verse, Hebrews 11:6 And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

Yesterdays reading began giving instances of faithful men and woman in the bible who did what they did for God by faith and how he rewarded them. Noah, Abraham, and Sara. And this morning as my reading in Hebrews continued I read about the faithfulness again of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses' parents, Moses himself, the people of Israel who went through the Red Sea and did not drown, Rahab, and the people of Israel who marched around Jericho and made the walls crash down.

God calls his people to a place or a task, he asks something of us. Accomplishing what he has asked of us requires faith. He will often ask us to pull off things that are impossible without him. Our faith is honored by the fulfilling of his promises.

I know that around the corner, I will be called upon to do something. I will have a decision to make and I will have to call upon God to accomplish it. I love it when a good story comes together! Of course, all of this is immediately following a series at church on faith, different kinds of faith, with a full demonstration through the bible of the men and woman who were full of faith, and the different ways their faith was used at different times. God is awesome and crafty!

Changes ahead...

2008-11-12T06:48:00.000-08:00

This song was playing in my mind when I woke up this morning. If you don't know Christ, or even if you do, if you aren't consistently seeking his presence then you will never truly know the purpose of this life. The peace. The joy. "My soul must sing." When you know Jesus intimately, your soul must sing. His joy covers your every pour, every cell, and exudes out from within. Even in the midst of a journey that isn't going so well, you find peace and joy. Lots of joy.

My background is different again. I love having options and changing things up, but I wanted to find something that really represented me. I recently gave my friend Christy a gift at her bachelorette party, she is getting married Friday. The card I gave her had this black and white damask print on the front. As soon as she opened the card she knew it was from me. (I'm adjusting to the revelation of my transparency as well). So I thought this background would be fitting.

I'm in the process of creating a new blog for my photoblog on my own domain which will have a custom background and I'm really struggling with which direction I should go in. My new blog has to tie in with the rest of the vision I have for my marketing plan, it all needs to tie together and I'm just having a tough time committing. I know how I will use my marketing plan, but I don't know yet what I want it to look like. I started with chocolate brown and baby blue and really love all things filigree, baroque, and damask as do many of my clients. This style is classic and timeless and can easily be mixed with the modern and contemporary. I began to toil with the idea of black and white and perhaps a touch of a vibrant yellow like my favorite flower, the sunflower, or even a teal type color. But, black and white is just to harsh for me. At the same time, the center of my blog really needs to be black so my images stand out. So whatever I go with, should also coordinate well with black.

I want something that "says" style, class, high fashion, sophistication, glamour, and drama. Something that is vibrant, yet down-to-earth, approachable, fun, and casual. Something that represents who I am, my personal style, and my style as a photographer. I'm looking for colors and patterns that personify who I am but also appeal to my current and future clients as well. So if anyone has any suggestions, please send em' my way!

Moving on. Mallory woke up this morning and told me about a dream she had about our "old house." She wanted to go swimming but she couldn't because "no one was outside to watch her." I guess I must have said that to the kids a lot. This was the first time any of the kids have mentioned the house and it didn't sting and bring tears to my eyes. I told her it was okay to remember the house, we had a lot of fun there and made a lot of memories. We will always remember the house. She then asked "can we get a new house?" I just laughed and said "of course, but it isn't time yet. God is still working on things for us." My answer seemed to please her and it pleased me to know that it no longer hurts. Still ringing in my ears though, "it isn't time yet."

So I'm reading this book by Charles Swindoll about finding the will of God for our lives. My husband and I are praying about making a change in our lives. I won't yet go into the details because the door hasn't yet been opened. But, should it open, we will be considering this change quite seriously.

The trouble is, there are certain things that are outside the will of God for our lives and these are obvious like murder, sexual immorality, judging others, etc. and the list is long. Then, there are things that are clearly defined as being within his will for us such as tithing, giving to others, trusting God, seeking his Kingdom, etc. and that list too is long. On both sides of the coin we will find things that we know we should do and we shouldn't do without having to ask or pray about it. We know because it is written in his word. However, the scripture will not tell us, don't marry Susan, you should buy that house, or this is the college you should attend. So how do we know if these decisions are within the will of God?

We have to be willing to pray and wait. Pray about our options and consider them with common sense, combined with his guidance, then follow the peace. When we are within the perfect will of God in our lives we will find deep peace. Even if the decision defies what our family wants, even if the decision doesn't look like it's going to be easy to pull off, there will be unshakable peace if God is behind the plan. Often times, the very thing that God wants us to do looks bleak to us because God is looking for people to do things that glorify him. God gets the glory when his people pull of something that could have only been done with God's divine intervention. The outside world has to recognize that God was involved. That has risk and uncertainly written all over it. I'm a planner. I like to know exactly where I'm going, what time I'm going to get there, what I'll do and say when I arrive, how long I'll be, etc. So this seeking God thing and agreeing to go before I even know where I'm going is um, challenging. Still, I'm committed and I'll go. I must believe that God is who he says he is and he will do what he says he will do. Plus, if I'm within his will then there is no better place to be. Regardless as to what life has ahead good, bad, painful, easy, no matter what it is, if I accept that it is all part of Gods plan and trust him then it will all be okay.

I was also then reminded of a couple of scriptures. One I gave yesterday.

Mark 4:24 Then he added, "pay close attention to what you hear. The closer you listen, the more understanding you will be given-and you will receive even more.

And the second is one that has been my favorite scripture since January when I came upon it during my process through The Purpose Driven Life.

Romans 12:2 And do not be confirmed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

I like The New Living Translation even better. Romans 12:2 Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

The closer my walk becomes with Christ, the more secrets he will reveal to me, his will. The decisions he wants me to make will become clearer. The same is true for you too.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

2008-11-11T07:58:00.001-08:00

Much revelation has occurred in my life in the last several days. My understanding of the many things my family has endured in recent months has come full circle. I can so clearly see exactly what happened, when, and even why. I'm not certain as to how God will use it in the future but I'm certain it all will be used for good to glorify his name. I can see every decision that was made and the effect each of those decisions would bring. I can see the full story and all that I was meant to gain from it.

Last week the Lord started to speak loud and clear to me about where I have been. All the perspective I gained last week came full circle at church on Sunday. I'll explain in a second. First, I want to mention, now that I know exactly where I have been and how it all came to be, I'm so excited to see where he plans to take us. Giddy!

Anyway, last week I started to see all the puzzle pieces come together and my role in the process. Then, things went a bit further at church. We studied out of Mark 4 and Job. In Mark 4, after teaching, Jesus begins to explain the parable to his disciples. This particular parable is an explanation of what happens to the word of God (seed) after his has been preached (planted) depending on the condition of our hearts and our level of maturity in our spirit life.

The parable is this (Mark 4:3-9), a farmer plants seed. As he spreads it across the field, some seed falls onto the footpath, and birds come to eat it. Some seed falls on the shallow soil with underlying rock, it sprouts but quickly but dies in the hot sun because it doesn't have deep roots. Other seed fell among thorns, grew up, and choked out tender plants so they couldn't produce. The seed that falls upon the footpath (Mark 4:15) represents those who hear a message or teaching only to have Satan come at once and steal it. For me, this used to be when Todd and I would start to discuss the message and get caught up in the parts we disagreed with and forget all about the message and just argue. Seriously!

We eventually progressed past that part of life and began to actually receive God's word, it became planted. But, we were not "deeply rooted" (Mark 4:16-17) so we were easily distracted in and out of church and in a bind the word was not deep enough to be brought from our spirits to be used in life to combat trials and temptation.

Still, we managed to eventually overcome. To be consistent. To commit to church and other ministries at church. I volunteered in the nursery and Todd taught children's church. Which brings us to the seed that fell among thorns (Mark 4:18-19). The message is crowded out by worries of this life, the lure of wealth, and the desire for other things, so no fruit is produced. The part that got us, the lure of wealth.

In 2004, we owned this tiny house, less than 900 square feet and had just given birth to children numbers four and five. We lived pay check to pay check. Not because God didn't provide but because we were irresponsible. We started to discipline ourselves with our finances and as we grew stronger as Christians and became more involved at church we started to tithe and the blessings followed.

The lure of wealth mentioned above is false prosperity. There is true prosperity where God blesses you and fills your store house overflowing because we have proven ourselves faithful. Because we live righteous lives within his will. Because he trusts that what he blesses us with is just that a blessing, that we are not tied to it and we'd give it up in a heart beat if he asked us to. As in Job, if you read Job 1:3, he owned a lot! A day comes when Job's sons are before the Lord and Satan comes along as well. Read how God refers to Job in Job 1:8 that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil. God speaks highly of Job and even Satan admits that Job is untouchable in verse 10 saying God has set up a hedge (protection) around Job, his house, and everything he owns on every side. Satan continues by saying God has blessed Job's hand and increased Job's substance in the land. All that Job has came from God because he is perfect and upright and fears God and shuns evil. True prosperity does exist.

False prosperity is a trick from Satan and one that I fell hard for. We had become more involved at church. We were tithers now too. But, we did not have prayer lives separate from church. We did not have our own consistent study time. We did not put much effort into praising him, thanking him, and praying between Monday and Saturday. Still, the blessings flowed. We thought they were blessings from God.

Later in 2004, we bought this great house, had new cars, our kids had everything they needed. Each step of the way brought us farther away from God. What we did do with our prayer lives slowly began to slack even more. God didn't seem to get mad or take any of our "stuff" away so he must still love us. Slacked even more, and even more, until we weren't even bothering to attend church anymore either. Still, we had our stuff, God has tremendous provision for us, and he loves us. No?

This is the part where Satan rubs his hands together and says "muaahhhh." My daughter Faith personifies this evil laugh really well when she's up to something. Satan is thinking Ha! I have them right where I want them! He is about to pull the rug out from underneath us and guess what he is counting on. He is counting on us waving our finger at God, blaming him, and asking "how could you do this, how could you let this happen to us?" Much like what Satan tried to do with Job. (Job1:11 But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.) Satan promised God that if he removed his hedge of protection and allowed Satan to bring great calamity against Job he would curse God. So between verses 12 and 21 God grants Satan permission to bring about calamity and calamity he brings but, Job didn't curse God. He never wavered. Job 1:22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.

I don't think God granted Satan permission to bring about calamity in my own life. I think I did a fine job of cracking that door open all on my own. When you step out of the will of God, you step out from under his umbrella. Satan no longer has to go through Jesus to get to you, you just let him in. So Satan did indeed pull the rug out, if your a follower you know we lost our house this year, and I've had a long pity party but thank you Jesus I knew all along where the blame should lie. I'm grateful that I knew enough about the character of Jesus and the character of myself to not angrily point my finger at God. Instead, I did an awesome job of feeling sorry for myself.

So there was a big scheme at work in my life. I still made the decisions to follow that path every step of the way but still, in the grand scheme of things, it was a trick carefully played out by Satan. The best news of all. I've passed the first three stages. I've been in a place where the seed fell on the footpath and it was eaten by birds. I've been in a place where it was sweltered in the sun because it wasn't deeply rooted. And, I've been in a place for far too long where it was choked out by the cares of this life, the lure of wealth, and the desire for other things. So now I'm onto the place in Mark 4:8 Still other seeds fell on fertile soil, and was thirty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as had been planted!" Translated by Jesus in Mark 4:20 And the seed that fell on good soil represents those who hear and accept God's word and produce a harvest of thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times as much as had been planted!"

He continues in Mark 4:22 For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light. FYI, this is a one-sided conversation between me and Jesus right now and each scripture is a new "ah-ha" moment! So, if you're not following, I'm sorry but I know I'm getting it!

Mark 4:24 Then he added, "pay close attention to what you hear. The closer you listen, the more understanding you will be given-and you will receive even more.

Mark 4: 26-29 Jesus also said, "the Kingdom of God is like a farmer who scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, while he's asleep or awake, the seed sprouts and grows, but he does not understand how it happens. The earth produces the crops on its own. First a leaf blade pushes through, then the heads of wheat are formed, and finally the grain ripens. And as soon as the grain is ready, the farmer comes and harvests it with a sickle, for the harvest time has come.

For those of you out there that are not part of my immediate family and might not benefit from all I learned this morning there is still something to gain here. Satan is still after you. If you have been born-again for thirty days or thirty years, he is still coming for you. If your heart is tied to "things" he will steal those things from you to get you to blame God. Whatever door can be opened, whatever he can steal or destroy in your life that is precious to you, he will attempt. His very purpose is to get you to permanently turn your back on God. I am only thankful that his attempts on my life, my fate, only brought me close to my Lord and solidified my family and made us even more united.

Credit for much of the above goes to my Pastor Ron Raciti because although some of it was revelation this morning, much of it was Sunday's message. Credit for my relationship with Christ and the condition of my life and family today goes to Jesus himself and to every person who has ever uttered a prayer for me and my family.

I swear I'll try to make them shorter!

This is not the direction I intended to pursue today but I'm so glad I did. And, the pity-party is over!

Letting Go and Coming Home

2008-11-07T07:29:00.000-08:00

As I type this post I am reminded of a sweet, anointed song we sing at church. I can't find the artist to add it to my player below though. Here are a few lines of the lyrics

I'm coming up
I'm coming in
Coming Close
Home Again

I can hear the echo of Rachel's voice as it is sweetly sung in church.

I had planned to have any easy day and enjoy the company of my twins for a full day. My Friday started as it typically does with laundry and cleaning house. I started in on Mallory and Hailey's dresser drawers though and once I get started, look out! It occurred to me that they have many sets of cute matching pajamas. The problem, they are more like halter tops and capri pants. They don't fit. I had been holding onto them because they don't have enough pajamas that do fit. It suddenly occurred to me that each room that my family occupies holds a few items like this. Things I'm holding onto "just in case." I can't do it anymore. I can't grip onto everything for fear of losing more.

So I'm letting go.

I refuse to live any longer in this poverty mentality. My God is Jehovah Jirah, my provider, he meets all my needs! I'm throwing out the old pajamas that no longer fit and it's up to God to figure out how to replace them. That's on his to do list. Now don't get me wrong. I'm knowing throwing my wisdom and wits out the window. Todd and are learning to respect our money, use money for it's proper purpose, and make wise decisions. If our children have need of something we need to accept that it is okay to spend a bit of that money to meet their needs and not continue to just make do with what we have. So today, I'm testing God. Testing his limits. The bible says that his dreams for us are far greater than what we are capable of imagining. It is my suspicion that if we limit him here, we limit him in other places as well. So I'm ripping off the roof, getting rid of the ceiling, and allowing God to have his will.

There are pieces within my bedroom that I was holding onto as well that represent certain people in my life, certain relationships. I've had to let go of a few relationships this past year but never let go of the objects that represent them. The proof that they existed with such fondness in my life to begin with. I am finally okay with these partings so I'm finally okay with letting go of these objects as well.

So today, I am satisfied with the appearance of full garbage bags because they represent just that, baggage. But, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I've shuffled through the things that kept me tied to a previous time and let them go.

I knew exactly how I was feeling and what I wanted to portray as these words began to rise up within me. I was looking for a bit of inspiration though, a confirmation that this is the direction I should go with my blog today and found this.

From a Max Lucado book that I once bought for my husband called Grace For the Moment. It's an inspiration book (duh, right?), one for each day of the year. November 7th reads like this:

God Loves You Dearly
We love because God first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Untethered by time, he sees us all. From the backwoods of Virginia to the business district of London; from the Vikings to the astronauts, from the cave-dwellers to the kings. From the hut-builders to the finger-pointers to the rock-stackers, he see us. Vagabonds and ragamuffins all, he saw us before we were born.
And he loves what he sees. Flooded by emotion. Overcome by pride, the Starmaker turns to us, one by one, and says, "you are my child. I love you dearly. I'm aware that someday you'll turn from me and walk away. But I want you to know, I've already provided a way back."

Wow! There are times when I have been overcome with emotion for my children or my husband and the sense of pride moves me to tears. To realize that even that is nothing compared to what Jesus feels when he looks upon me, when he looks upon you.

I began reading a book by Charles Swindoll this week about hearing the will of God. What I've gained so far is that it is less about that one thing we are supposed to do with our lives and more about the journey. What we do that pleases God. What we gain from each thing we do right and each thing we do wrong. God already knows each decision we'll make. May it be within his will or outside of it, he knows what we'll choose. Then he makes provisions to help us out of it. He prepares for us a way back to him.

The financial situation my husband and I found ourselves in was a series of mistakes, surely. It was also at which point we turned and walked away. When you begin to live outside of the will of God you have no choice. If you continue to submit to what you want instead of what he wants you can't have both. You can't live with yourself and continue to disobey. For me, it was an unconscious decision and one that I didn't fully understand until now. Yes, I made mistakes but more importantly, I realize now I pursued what I wanted and walked away from him. Until now.

I turned back toward Jesus months ago and each step of the way I have grown and there have been new revelations, but none like today. I know exactly what I did and when I did it. I know exactly how it felt. And, I know exactly what it will feel like again if I chose that path again. Will I chose it again? Will I submit to the yearnings of my soul that caution my disobedience and follow him or will I ignore them and submit to my flesh?

I will choose to follow him, to obey. I know all to well what it feels like to fall outside of his will. I know how slow and painful the road back is. I know that I am standing at the last turn of the bend in the road that leads to restoration and I'm not treading this road again!

Uh Oh! Followed by the sound of a loud swallow.

2008-11-05T06:49:00.001-08:00

Sorry people, I try to write short posts. I swear I do. I promise it's worth while. While I did find peace and reassurance in God's word this morning, I also found something else.

I use the New Testament One Year Bible in the New Living Translation as my study guide. A way to break it up into daily edible peaces. I love it. I highly recommend it. I didn't study so much Sunday morning before church, I only read the short section. November 2nd is dedicated to Hebrews 4. (It is my personal opinion that Paul is writing not to the people of his time and to the church of his time but to the modern church; today's church).

In verses 1 & 2 Paul explains that through Christ we have a promise of rest but warns that we should have a fear of the Lord about us because there is a loop hole. Though God's love is unconditional, his promises are not, as pointed out in the old testament in Psalm 95 where God calls his creation to submit. He has called us to obedience and worship. He continues in Psalm 95:8-11 by promising that those who go astray in their hearts, those who do not know his ways...they shall not enter his rest. Obedience is always the loop hole. Disobedience is always the thing that knocks out from under his promises. That's where the "uh oh" comes in. Rest evades me at this time in my life. Something is out of whack. God has asked me to do something that I'm not doing or has asked me to stop doing something and I've continued. Trouble is, I may even know what it is. Which is way worse than ignorance, it's flat out defiance.

Oh when the pieces come together. I had planned to continue verse by verse with Hebrews but suddenly there is revelation. Literally, this is all coming to me as I type. I love that! Learn with me. I do want to add a little caveat here. I am not a scholar. I'm learning the bible. I don't know all these stories, what they say before I read them, and finish the scripture in my mind before I've finished reading it. I do have a relationship with Jesus though and I just follow the book and the little footnotes at the bottom. God fills in the blanks. Make sense? Just so you all know. I'm just like you. Unless of course, you do know the bible way better than I do which is also very possible and more likely.

I've been having a very difficult time with my children lately. A severe lack of obedience, from all of them really. Nothing is more frustrating then when they can't even manage to do even the small things I ask of them. I'm imagining a smug smile must be gripping at the corners of God's lips now. I can see his wavering finger, tsk, tsk, tsk. A taste of my own medicine.

For instance, I asked Tyler to be home for dinner from his friends house at 5:30 p.m. So obviously I had hoped he would show up at 5:30 p.m. However, he is thirteen, I can't honestly expect him to be early or anything. (I hope you all can sense my sarcastic tone here). Instead, he decides to call at 5:29 just to "make sure" I still want him home in less than one minute for dinner. The boy really dances on my nerves sometimes.

This is especially frustrating because he recently wanted a MySpace page. In the sweetest voice I could muster, I gently said "uh, noooo!" Fair enough right? I'm the mom, I don't trust his judgement or his ability to make good decisions so for now, it's a no. He begged and prodded and begged and begged and begged. Obviously hoping I'd give in. Well people, I created stubborn okay. I was not wavering. So he did what any normal thirteen-year-old would do right? He went behind my back and created one anyway! Urgh! Obviously, he got caught. I swear, I do reassure him all the time that I was once thirteen and I've already been there, done that, I'm writing the book (literally) for pete sake! You can't outwit me dude!

This led to a long conversation about obedience and trust. Much like the same conversation the Lord continues to have with me. Let's start with the small stuff first. When I ask you home for dinner at 5:30 p.m. Come home at 5:30 p.m. Don't call a few minutes early and check to ensure I want you home because I do. Home at 5:30, no exceptions. Just do it. If you can handle that for a while then we'll move onto something else. Maybe a sleep-over. Maybe. If his mother is home and I know her better than I do now. But, I do already think I'll like her. She can't be older than me for one which is fantastic if your thirty with a thirteen-year-old.

Tyler would love to go to the movies with his friends, unsupervised, or attend a high school dance in his future. I simply tried to explain the process of things. When I can trust you with the small stuff then gradually I will grant you greater freedom and responsibility and see how you do. But, if we can't ever move past the small stuff, we'll never get to the part where you get more freedom and more responsibility. "So if you want to ever see the inside of a high school dance, you better start coming home at 5:30 p.m. for dinner!" Ouch! Not so pleasant when you realize that you aren't the one speaking, but the one being spoken to. That at the time was for Tyler. Today, it was me getting the scolding.

But, there is hope. I just have to tweak a couple of things. Get into God's will, and this could be one thing or many things, and I will find the rest he promises.

Hebrews 4:6 So God's rest is there for people to enter, but those who first heard this good news failed to enter because they disobeyed God.
Yeah, we already covered that part, no?
Here is the but...

Hebrews 4:7 So God set another time for entering his rest, and that time is today. God announced this through David much later in the words already quoted: "Today when you hear his voice don't harden your hearts." (as covered in Psalm 95)

The story continues in Hebrews 4:8 and goes on to explain that Joshua was obviously unsuccessful in leading the people to God's rest because of their disobedience. If Joshua had been successful, God would not have spoken about another day, still to come.

It gets better. Hebrews 4:15-16 This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Today I enter his presence and enter boldly before his throne. I humble myself. I repent. I am forgiven. I receive rest. I receive peace. I receive mercy. I receive grace. It's that easy. I'm sorry. I'll obey. I change my mind about that thing and I'll obey you and in exchange he lifts the load, the shame, the sin. It's gone. As far as the east is from the west, from one scarred hand to the other. It's gone.

I love it when a song rises from your spirit to confirm his word. His word that is alive and powerful. It continues to revolutionize my life and change me from the inside out. Into the beautiful woman he sees as he looks upon me. A woman I can barely stand to look at in the mirror sometimes. Actually, I even shudder at the thought of me even being a "woman." That doesn't yet seem possible. But, in there somewhere is the lovely person (person I can handle) he has called me to be. His revelation is sweet and his peace I am unable to articulate.

If you don't know him today. He knows you. He loves you. He is knocking on your heart. Open the door.

Find Me

2008-11-04T15:17:00.001-08:00

Where are you?
I no longer feel you near.
No longer sense your presence.
Your peace.
Find me.

My eyes are blinded by the darkness.
Anxiety
Stress
Frustration
Find me.

I hear only the sound of my own heart beat.
And the whimper that escapes with my tears.
Find me.

Do you still count them?
Do you catch every one?
Find me.

Find me.
Where ever I am.
I know you cannot be far.
Find me.

I long for the warmth of your love.
The safety that comes with it.
I've gotten lost.
Find me.

I know better in my heart of hearts.
To have pity on myself.
To hang in the shame of my mistakes.
And allow myself to succumb to the lies and disgrace.
Find me.

I know you are near.
I know your mercies are new each morning.
With a new day, new light, a freshness begins.
In the morning light, you will find me.

For now, the many facets of the circumstances of this life are more than this heart can handle.
Though your peace eludes me.
I know you are near.
Find me.
__________________________________________________________

I know enough to apologize for myself. For the tone of this post. This blog is for those who read it, but it brings healing to me as well. I would love for every post to be full of life, light, and encouragement. But, in truth, life just isn't so, not all the time. In fact, the Lord promises with peace, prosperity, joy, hope, and every other good thing he has blessed us with that there will also be transgression and times of discomfort. I know enough to know that he is in control. To trust him in the midst. But, this is also a place where my heart lets out what is weighing on it and I am committed to being honest and true. If that means that sometimes my posts stink of self pity and shame than so be it. There is a part of me that is not okay with admitting I have weaknesses, my heart breaks too, just like everyone else. But, I know that there is a chance that one who reads my pitiful posts will also read when God replaces that empty black hole with restoration.

I have been taken by surprise lately. I thought I was good at keeping myself composed. Hiding my expression and putting on "a good face." Well apparently, not only does my expression give itself away but even my tone of voice betrays me. Todd takes one look at me and repeats my emotions back to me. I always squish my eyebrows together at him in confusion. I know we've been together for many years but I know he can't read my mind. But, he can apparently read my face. We had sort of a big situation at home today. My mother-in-law called and spoke her peace, whatever she intended to tell me. Then, asked if everything was okay. I said "not really" and she followed by saying "I can tell." Only to have my father then follow that up with, "I can tell we upset you, it's written all over your face." I never considered myself so vulnerable. I've heard the expression "where your heart on your sleeve." I guess I wear mine on my face. I'm so stumped by that. I'm okay with it. I feel blessed actually to be surrounded by people who know me so well.

So forgive my pity-party. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is love and will heal my heart.

The nameless

2008-10-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

This morning after I dropped my twins at school I followed the side street as it wound through the familiar subdivision. As I got half way through a curve in the road I noticed to small children outside, unattended. They must have been twins. Toeheads, only about a year or so in age. I live in the cold climate of Michigan, it was not even 40 degrees this morning. The two girls were without coats and hats. Without shoes and socks even.

I was chatting with my husband and made mention of them and assured him and myself that their mother must have noticed and will get them back inside any second. The road continued to curve and they were out of sight. My heart began to beat faster, I felt so sad for them, and genuinely concerned. I couldn't continue to drive. I had to go back. As I re-approached the home, the girls were still outside but wandering closely to the street as they made their way farther away from what I assumed was their home. There was a house with the front door wide open. Another mom from the school had stopped and asked as I got out of my vehicle if I knew the girls. I told her I didn't but they were on the lawn of the home where the door was open and to please keep an eye on them while I went to the house.

The large picture window in the front of the home was busted open in the top right corner, a pillow filled the hole, keeping out the cold. The opposite corner had a missing pane where a piece of wood must have been nailed in place at one time to block the hole but it had been pushed aside. I pounded on the siding of the house. No one came. I really began to panic at this point. My suddenly went crazy with the possibilities of what could be inside the doors of this home. Now I wonder what secrets it holds. I pounded again and yelled "excuse me" into the doorway. Still, no one came.

I wondered back over to the other mom. She asked if I called 911. I hadn't. I was hoping their mother was busy getting ready for work or in the bathroom and would quickly notice their absence. A dog finally peaked out the front door and a few moments later a woman came out the front door. She was irate with her little girls. Because, of course a wee one who can barely walk on her own certainly understands that she is not allowed out of the house without mom, no? They were babies for pete sake!

The mom said "my son unlocked the door." I told her I don't think that would have really mattered "they could easily have left through the front window." A third car had pulled up now who knew the other mom with me and asked what was going on. The mom simply snickered and said "watching my children for me."

Finally, mom hustled to the end of the street where the girls had made their way. Little stinkers actually ran from her. She put one girl on each hip and very, very slowly began to walk back toward her home. I think she was hoping we'd be gone before she made it to the house. I just stood there and watched as she re-entered her home without looking back. Not a smile, a thank you for saving the lives of my children this morning while I was sleeping, nothing.

The street this house is on is a wide main road that goes through the middle of a very large subdivision and connects from one major road in the city to another major road in the city. It's a short cut. It's the main way into the sub. Not many mind the 25mph speed limit on this road because it quickly gets you from one mile to the next. With the level of traffic on the road on any given weekday morning, anything could have happened to those girls.

I'm angry but I'm not judging this mom. I don't blame her. Maybe she doesn't know any better. I don't know her situation. I don't know why there are holes in the front windows letting all the cold air into the home. I don't know what secrets the structure of that house holds. I can only assume, there is suffering. For the safety of the children I did ask the local police department to check on mom and the kids. It is up to them to decide if another agency like social services should be involved. I do know that God needs to be involved.

I don't know what mom was doing in the house while her young girls played outside by themselves for at least seven minutes. I don't know if she was embarrassed, probably. None of that matters to me. I wish I had names that I could put the with face of that mom and the two little girls. I will be praying for them today and for many days ahead. I'm glad God is all knowing. I'm glad miracles are still for today so that whatever this family has need of will be met in some way or another.

Lord you know this mom by name and the precious gifts you have bestowed upon her. You know her heart. You know her needs. You know the needs of those children. I pray Lord that this family and their needs to covered in the name of Jesus. The windows get fixed so the cold air no longer seeps into the home. I can't begin to imagine their needs but you have every hair on their head counted. Soften their hearts, remove the blinders. Bring good people into their lives to plant seeds and meet their needs, and minister love to them; your love. Lift the burden of their hearts and replace it with peace. In the precious name of Jesus. Amen.

I didn't share this story today to pass judgement or gossip about a woman's misjudgement, misfortune, or mistakes. My children have gotten away from me. It's scary, it's unpleasant, and it is embarrassing. I've made mistakes and treated my children in a way that was less than they deserve. I'm not a perfect mother by any means. I shared this story today because I know my blog is followed by great woman filled with God's love and I know you will pray with me for this family. They are nameless but Jesus knows exactly who they are.

This is a great, great, great, family!

2008-10-24T04:42:00.001-07:00

Hailey woke up this morning and climbed into bed with me like her and Mallory do many mornings. This morning she gave me her usual kiss and hug and said "I love my mommy, this is a great, great, great, great family." She knows just how to make me melt.

Those words got me thinking of the many funny things my children have said just in the last few days. Here are a few of our funny family stories.

When I took Faith and Karli to school to get them registered before the year began, we met the principal who gave us a tour of the school. Both of their teachers were in their classrooms preparing for the year so we got to meet each of them. Faith has Ms. Schultz and Karli, Mr. Nameth. Both are young people who couldn't have been teaching for very long, this always pleases me. On our way back to the car Faith said "I wish I had Mr. Nameth, he's" and she paused but continued with "cute." I was outraged but Karli beat me with her words saying "O-M-G Faith! You're crushing on my teacher and he's older than you!" Again, I was outraged. I just simply said "I can't believe this conversation just happened but we're going to move on now."

Just yesterday, Faith started our van for me. Something I often ask her to do because I'm usually pressed for time and rushing around. Having the van warmed up so I can see out the windows is pretty important if I want to get them to school safely. So she started the car, "unlocked" it so the rest of the doors would be open, closed the door and came back inside. Um, yeah, she locked all the doors! There my van sat running, defrosting, getting nice and warm for us, with the keys locked inside. Thank goodness we have a good friend that lives around the corner who works for his Grandpa's towing company. He was over in thirty minutes and unlocked our van for us. Mallory and Hailey are already quite fond of Jeff to start. Yesterday, he was their hero because he opened our car which meant, they could go to school. They were completely distraught at the idea of having to miss school. Mallory and Hailey jumped in the van after he opened it and I ran to grab my purse, leaving Jeff to chat with my twins. As he walked back to his truck and I buckled Hailey she said "he's so funny, I wanna marry him." She giggled then asked me to tell Jeff she said so. I will do no such thing. Jeff grew up with my little brothers, he is like part of the family so my parent's were pretty amused when I told them the story. Ugh! 4 1/2 and boy crazy! I'm in trouble.

Seven Days Without Prayer Makes One Weak

2008-10-22T06:58:00.000-07:00

I believe that many things in our life are predestined. It is tough to fathom though. For instance, there must have been a day last year amidst the holiday season when my mother-in-law Sherri saw a book or heard about it on the radio. I'm not sure when it occurred or how she found it, but I am certain that when she lifted it for purchase God could already see the days ahead. The days I would pull it out. The days I would need the words it contains. The season of my life that it would serve.

I don't know how my parent's did it. How they had little but still managed to provide for all three of us everything we ever wanted. Dance lessons, brand name clothes, trips to Skate World. Yes, my parent's sent three kids to Skate World three days per week, every week. Yeah, I was one of those girls. I was a speed skate owning, daisy duke wearing, eye batting, trouble maker! Anyway, I'm used to getting what I want when I want it. My parent's provided everything for me until I began to work and even then between my pay checks and my wonderful Todd, I still managed to always have it all. Until now. I'm not a patient person. Okay I don't want to profess that. I used to have trouble being patient but God is changing my heart. I prefer immediate gratification. So this long season of waiting and rebuilding and learning and healing is long and frustrating and long and long. Did I say it is long? It actually hasn't been that long but to one who used to easily get what she wants when she wants it, it's an eternity.

So back to the book. These words filled my heart and refreshed my patience as it has so many other days. I am more aware now that what happens in my life isn't just about me. It is about so much more. The lessons I learn I will later share with others. I need to be in the right place at the right time, the God place and the God time in God's will, in order for my life to truly be what he intended it to be. So I will rest on the following words in patience and trust that he has a perfect plan for me. He will fulfill my dreams. The fulfillment of my life and my dreams will then affect many around me. I'm in awe at how he does it all.

My Princess...

Wait on Me

Wait on Me, My princess. My timing is always perfect. I know you're anxious about many things (let me just interject here and say that is an understatement), and I see your passion for all the plans I have put in your heart. I know that you long to fly, and I see your enthusiasm. However, just as a vinedresser nurtures the vine and waits patiently for the right moment to harvest the grapes (that would be why I'm not a vinedresser), so too am I working tirelessly to prepare you to bear much fruit. Don't run ahead of Me or try to fly before My plans are complete. Your strength will fail you, and your dreams will wither away. Trust Me that My dreams for you are far greater than you can dream on your own. You will run farther and soar higher if you will patiently wait for the season of My blessing. Draw close to Me now, and I promise that this season of waiting will bring you the sweetest of rewards.

Love,

Your King and Lord of perfect timings

Isaiah 40:31 NIV

But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on winds like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

All kidding aside, I've already been in a place where I tried to fly on my own, make my dreams come true instead of waiting on God. Been there, done that, I'm writing the book! Trust me when I tell you, my dreams came true by my own hand and now, well they're gone, they've withered. For now. My strength has failed me until there was none left! It is only by Jesus and what he does in me daily that I am able to keep going. And there are still many days and many phases where even his love and his comfort cannot sustain me and I want to ball up, hold my chest, and pray my heart be ripped out because it would be more comforting to have it gone than to continue to bear the brokenness. Not because he cannot sustain me. Not because he isn't all knowing. Not because he cannot heal me. But because in those days I choose to believe the lies. I choose to believe that I don't deserve it, that I deserve to suffer and carry the weight on my own. It isn't always enough for me to lay it at the cross once. I often need to lay it down over and over and over in the same day.

My parent's bought me a trivet. It reads "seven days without prayer makes one weak." Do you know how long that thing sat in my kitchen before I realized it said "weak" and not "week?" I know that having time in his presence renews my strength and holds my head up high. I wish I could say that I didn't allow too many days to come and go before I get back on my face again. But when I do let too many days go by, I know it and so do those who live with me. I get down, way down into the worst kind of funk and it stinks down there and it's dark and it's just not fun. So get in his word and stay in his word. Prayer doesn't have to be this stern, humongous thing in life or be uber spiritual. Just talk to Jesus like you would talk to any friend. I'm committed to not letting too many days go before I seek his presence so his love and peace will keep me.

Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens.

2008-10-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

I heard a song this morning with a line of lyric that said "don't fight these arms that hold you." Unfortunately, that is many times my gut reaction. To put up a wall of protection, hold myself together, and block out and keep away any and all forms of any attempt to comfort me. I'm stubborn. Jesus is our source of comfort, but he is a gentleman, we must allow his love, comfort, and peace to reach us.

I heard two days ago that a dear friend of mine and her family made the tough decision to allow Hospice to take over the care of her grandmother. She has always been close with her grammy and taken wonderful care of her. Visiting her often and taking her to necessary appointments. The last several months have been difficult for her to watch as the grandma she loves and knows has disappeared into a world of dementia. At times we, her friends, got her through because we would laugh with her at the parts of the story that were funny. Because with dementia, although it is painful to watch, it most certainly can be funny too, the stories and the things her mind manages to make her believe. If, you allow yourself some relief and see the lighter side of things, which we tried to do for Molly. There is little I can do to bring her comfort. All I can do is think of her often, of her family, and pray peace, strength, and comfort over them as they sit and wait. Wait for the inevitable.

I was then informed this morning that my brother-in-law lost his father last night. This is one of the strongest men I've ever met, coming back from the brink of death more times than I can count. Yet, there is more. My husband's parents divorced when he was young and after we started to have children of our own his mother met and married David. David's mother is a youthful, vivacious, and energetic woman, full of life. She is in her late 70's but you would never know it. She is vigorous and strong, dances several nights a week with the man she is committed to, since she has lost two husbands, and shows no sign of aging. She was informed this week that she has a lump on her kidney that the doctors think is cancer. She is scheduled for surgery on November 5th to remove the lump. If they discover the lump is cancerous they will later remove her kidney. But, I serve a God of miracles! There is no way this fierce woman is going to lay down and just let anything be taken from her. I'm believing for that lump to cease to exist in Jesus precious name and disappear! She is my children's 'GG' (great-grandma).

I was created as a person who empathises easily with others, with their trials, their joy, and their pain. This is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because the words flow easily when I send a note or card meant to comfort, encourage, or congratulate. Some how God always fills my spirit with exactly what that person needs. A curse because when it is pain they are facing, I feel it too.

The song this morning reminded me though that we have a comforter we can turn to. We are not meant to carry the burden alone. Not do we only have friends and family who bring kind words and comfort but we have Him.

Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
Then Jesus said, "come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

That is as much for me today as it is for those I love that are suffering. So I won't fit about and refuse to be loved. I surrender my burdens and lay them at the foot of the cross. Jesus will bear the weight and count my tears, and yours, and though it will be tough to refuse to feel the sting, I will walk in peace. I won't allow the people I love to fit about either and suffer alone. I will open my heart and my arms and embrace them and surround them with love and prayer. I pray that each person who is suffering today have a heart that is open, open to receive from Jesus. Receive his peace, his joy, his strength. Fill them Jesus, let them know your presence.

A Fall Family Weekend

2008-10-21T06:26:00.000-07:00

This is for sure the toughest season of my life. Each season somehow seems to feel that way though, in the midst of it. I am thankful for the moments I can steal away and be myself, just enjoy life, enjoy my family, be full of peace, and just be.

I had a Halloween event last week Friday which was very hard work and very busy work but so much fun and my husband and I met so many cute kids and their friendly parents. We spent the rest of the weekend in Port Sanilac at my favorite campground for one of their Halloween weekends. I spent the weekend thinking of the many things I have to still be grateful for...

belly laughs and snuggles around the campfire
warm, gooey pizza as a midnight snack
nieces and their friends that love to mother my twins
the crisp fall air
the glorious array of colors
the warmth of the sun on my face
a hubby who makes a good cup of joe, crispy bacon, and buttery scrambled eggs
holding hands while we walk with the kids
sometimes my body aches because I love him so much
I just need him close and to feel his love
having nothing to do but watch the children plan and giggle
enjoying 300 glorious pages in my latest book
playing at the park
watching Mallory and Hailey test their limits on the monkey bars
and laughing hystercially at how monkey-like the two of them are
getting bundled up to stay warm
a cozy pair of sweatpants and matching sweatshirt my husband bought me that I would otherwise never wear in public
hot cocoa
yummy chili
I didn't realize how much I loved food

It was a beautiful weekend and like the warmth of the sun on my face, there is warmth in my heart.

I thought she'd always be there.

2008-10-17T05:59:00.000-07:00

I pulled in the driveway with my family to a new home, a new city, and a new school. I saw her across the field outside with another girl. I later learned her name is Kelly and her friend, Anna. I can still recall a photo I have tucked away somewhere of the two of them on her father's riding lawn mower, and it makes me laugh. And a whole series of images floods my mind; holding our noses outside an outhouse at Girl Scout Camp, the hot air balloons we watched take off that weekend, hundreds of them, and the tour of the Kellogg's factory. The many Halloween costumes. Dancing and singing along to Prince while jumping on the two beds in her room. Playing Bank. Making peanut butter covered crackers. Watching Entertainment Tonight with her mom, her mom's favorite thing on T.V. as I recall. Making popcorn. Her father in his chair that everyone knew belonged to him. Baking cakes. Blushing uncontrollably around her brother and his friends that were much older than I. Sleepovers, lots of sleepovers. Taking turns tickling each others backs and I always went last and she always let me. Yes Todd, that would be where the whole back rub thing comes in, and why you never seem to get one! He he! She was always good to me. My best friend. And the very best friend she was.

I can remember a weekend we went up to CMU to see her sister for sibling weekend. I remember being completely embarrassed for sticking the tape in the tape deck backward. I don't remember if I broke it. One of many stupid things I would eventually do to be embarrassed and ashamed of. I doubt this will be as funny to you, and I can't remember why it started to begin with, but we got excited about something. Her mom said "yeee-haw," Kelly followed with something like "yahooooo" or something along those lines and for some reason I screeched "yip, yip, yipeeeee." They both laughed so hard at me, not making fun, but for some reason it was just funny.

I can remember by dumb brothers climbing on the roof of their house with water and dumped it on Kelly's sister and her friends while sunbathing. Mortifying!

The worst of it comes later. When we entered junior high school. Actually, now that I think about it, it did start in elementary school. Kelly would be my best friend at home. But, I was so desperate to fit in at school that if I was forbid to hang out with her then I'd ignore her. At least until the rest of the "clique" got angry with me for some stupid thing and kicked me out. Then I'd run back across the playground with my true friends. Only I was too stubborn, selfish, and ignorant to realize these girls (who always accepted me) were my true friends. One of them, Stacy, I keep in touch with via e-mail only. Two of them, Molly and Christy, I have the pleasure of seeing all the time. I have the pleasure of attending Christy's wedding as she marries the man of her dreams next month. I am grateful to have had the chance to redeem myself with these ladies.

I never had that chance with Kelly though. Not because she hadn't offered but because I seemed to have thought I didn't need her or I was better or I'd prefer to be friends with others. I think I assumed she'd always be there. Not sure what the heck I was thinking! I moved from that house in high school, she moved also, and moved again, then left the state for a while. While I was getting married and having children. Our lives got in the way. Or, I let mine get in the way.

There is so much I would like to change, to take back. I know it isn't possible though and I regret all that I have missed with her and the way I treated her. I have recently had the chance to get in touch with Kelly and I'm so looking forward to seeing her face to face. So I can tell her all about my brothers and my parents. So she can meet my husband and my family. I can already image it. My children will adore her. But, she will be overwhelmed with my zoo. They are all so loud and exuberant and friendly. There is so much I have to say. So much I want to know about her, who she is today, how she met her husband, when will she have babies, how her siblings and mom are now doing.

I already know in my heart who she is today. I know her heart has not been hardened by the world and she is still as gentle and sweet and pure as ever. Oh, how I have missed her.

I want to thank my blog friends for your prayers, kind words, and encouragement. You lifted my head and allowed me to let the peace in. Blessings to you especially knowing that we each seem to have found ourselves in a bit of a funk recently. I'm so blessed to have a network of great woman I can turn to who also know the ultimate source of our peace and joy.

I'd like to order the Peace Platter with a side of Joy please!

2008-10-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many days it has been, too many. Too many days have been spent wound up tightly like a top. I have felt frustrated, stressed, strained, and on edge. Struggling, fretting and fighting off the urge to break down. Looking for the slightest easing of these emotions, a bit of relief, peace. I've muttered through my life tense like a volatile volcano on the verge of spewing hot lava every where. Worse, I'm certain my aggravated state has allowed offense words to leave my mouth and feel like hot ash to those around me.

I've been looking at my life, my world, and everything within it through the glasses of Kari. These glasses block my peripheral vision and prevent me from noticing others around me and keep my focus on myself.

There has been this nagging within my mind that wants everyone to conform to what I want. The urge to make them make me feel the way I want them to. Pitching a fit when I don't get my way. These are acts I wouldn't recommend as they only lead to a laundry list of disappointments.

I finally started to wonder what was wrong with me. Why am I so unhappy? Why am I so stressed and so wound up? Thinking, if I could just have this happen then I'll be happy or if I could just have that now, I'll be happy. In truth, I've been so unhappy because of the selfish attitude I've been carrying with me. I'm not doing anything to help anyone else. Even at home. I fulfill my responsibilities but expect the rest of the members to revolve around me. Nice mom eh! So yeah, so far this post is fun! This frame of mind is not very conducive to trying to write either.

So I know what my problem is and I need to get out of this funk! I need to get my face on the floor and seek the Lord's presence, peace, and most importantly, forgiveness.

Okay so I'll quit with the whining and just get over myself!

2 Thessalonians 3:5
May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.

This verse sums up what I so desperately need to feel attainable to me now. A full understanding, a revelation of God's love and the ability and strength to express it toward others coupled with patient endurance that must come only from Christ.

When I think of endurance I am reminded of when my gym coach would make me run a mile, four full times around the track. Grueling! I eventually became capable of resisting the voice in my head telling me to quit, quit immediately, I can't take it and continue to run in spite of my minds urgency to stop. This is endurance. But you see, it was still a struggle. Although I was succeeding at putting my mind down, forcing my body to comply, and continued to move my feet it was uncomfortable, hard. So the idea that a person can endure and endure patiently provides the assumption that it must not be hard. So how does one achieve endurance that is easy, patient endurance? I'll let ya know when I figure it out. In the mean time, I will continue to ask for peace and expect it. I will keep my eye focused on the Lord and my goals, and each day allow myself a small fraction of time to grieve for that which I have not yet recovered from.

2 Thessalonians 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace himself give you his peace at all times and in every situation. The Lord be with you all.

I remember...

2008-10-10T08:12:00.001-07:00

I remember the years I walked this earth aimlessly
without a purpose
without a point
without hope.

I remember being so desperate for love
I would take affection in any form it came.

I remember feeling so needy
so lonely.

Longing for the presence of love
longing for acceptance
nourishment.

I remember when we met
how it felt to just stand close to you
how my knees would quiver
and my heart would race.

I remember our first date
how we talked for hours.

I remember never wanting you to leave
kissing at the door for eternity.

I remember how you taught me
what true love is
unconditional love
acceptance
nourishment.

I remember when you picked out first song
when you kissed me in your car
how it was your way of sharing your love for me
when we danced to it on our wedding day.

I remember how you taught me
are still teaching me
to communicate
instead of keeping it bottled inside.

I remember every instance
where you chose to give
instead of being selfish
when you apologized
when it wasn't your fault
where you rebuilt the bridge
when a few pieces had been ripped out.

I remember where I was
and how I felt
before I began this journey with you.

I remember the places
you have brought me
and the ways
you have changed me.

I remember
dressing our son for the first time together that day in the hospital, he was so tiny wasn't he.
driving for miles to get him to sleep
naming Faith
and birthing her monstrous body
how you cared for me when Karli was so challenging
how you loved me when one was ripped away from us
and the "wows" that followed the news of Mallory and Hailey.

The times
and ways
you have carried me
are countless.

Now, it is my turn
to carry you
love you
support you
encourage you
unconditionally.

"No one ever said the road would be easy
but that it would be worth it."

I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.

I forgive you.

Twilight

2008-10-02T06:23:00.000-07:00

I started the first Stephanie Meyer book last week Thursday. I found it impossible to put down and finished it last night. The book for me ranks up there with The Notebook. Yeah, it's that good.

I read this morning, the movie opens on my birthday! I feel a date night coming on. I'm always glad to read the book before seeing the movie it gets turned into. I'm glad when my favorites are turned into movies because then I can share my love of something with Todd. He would never otherwise sit and read the book; Twilight or The Notebook. He did take me to see Phantom of the Opera at least twice. I lost count as to how many times I've actually seen it though. He has always had a bit of a romantic flare. For our first anniversary, he took me to see Phantom at the Pantages Theatre in Ontario. Awesome! He even once sat through The Nutcracker at the Fox Theatre in Detroit that was put on by a lovely Russian ballet company. I said "sat" he actually, fell asleep! Not the important part though, what's important is that he took me when I'm sure he would have preferred having his teeth plucked one by one with tweezers.

Ontario was the first time I had ever been to another big city like that. No, I did go to Chicago but I spent the whole weekend in a dance competition so I didn't see much. The city is huge. The highways are five lanes wide and apparently the folks that live there think there is no speed limit. I can remember walking near the theatre the day before we were actually supposed to be there. I was only 18. There were crowds of people dressed in black tie affair walking the streets. I had no idea where they were going but I wished I could go and I wished I could be dressed like they were. In my memory, I see myself with my arms stretched out from my sides twirling in a circle, full of wonder and amazement.

Another thing I remember from the trip besides sitting on the edge of my seat during the entire performance of Phantom, was what happened after our brief stint at McDonald's. We stopped for a bite to eat, we were in a hurry so we just used the restroom and headed back to the car to eat while we drove. When we returned to the car, a tiny little Geo Metro Convertible, it wouldn't start. So, Todd popped the handle for the trunk and began to get out. Before doing so, he tried to start the car once more. It started right up, so he pulled his door closed and we headed back to the freeway. Of course once we hit the center lane of this huge freeway without a speed limit, the hood became unlatched and slammed into the windshield. We had forgotten to get out of the car and shut the hood properly. So we did what any normal person would do, slow down, close your eyes, and tilt the steering wheel to the right. Pray that everyone gets out of your way and you make it safely to the side of the road. Actually, Todd used his rear view mirror to guide the car and ensure he could change lanes and we did make it safely to the side of the road. Thankfully, the windshield crack but didn't shatter and completely come apart. What could have been much worse, turned into only having to replace the windshield.

Anyway, back to Twilight. There are a couple of things that bothered me about the book. A couple of chapters, somewhere past the half way point of the book, that go on about how Edward and his "family" came to be. A bit of history that I could have lived without. It was confusing and hard to read but I guess an important component to the book. I realize it isn't necessary to say "he said," "she said," or "I wondered" after every spoken word but this was lacking a bit and it made it tough to decipher just which character was speaking at certain times. There were also a few places where there was an opening quotation mark but no closing mark so it made it a bit tough to determine when the character was finished speaking and when it turned into their train of thought. I was also annoyed that the author would choose a world like "incredulously" and use it over and over and over again instead of getting out a thesaurus and picking a new one. There are a handful of words she did this with.

I love words. I love to read. I don't consider myself a writer but a lowly person with a passion to let things out in written form and pray that it be inspired and directed by God. I did however, use to work as an Assistant Editor (can you tell?) for a company that created an online educational class that teaches people to become proofreaders. It isn't as easy as I imagined; becoming a proofreader. I didn't think I would love it as much as I did. I didn't realize how much I missed it.

I think I'll be heading to my local Sam's Club to pick up the second book. But, I know there are only four books in the series so far so I think I'll take my time and enjoy it. I'll try anyway.

Todd's reclaim to fame

2008-09-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

I love a good list. Typically they contain things such as laundry, grocery shopping, a project I'm working on, etc. Today I thought I'd lighten up the feel of my list with some things that I'm loving lately.

My best friends wedding
When Hailey tells her food "get in my belly"
Snuggling the babies in the church nursery
Helping Todd with homework and getting rewarded with chocolate mouse tracks ice cream
Another close friends bridal shower as she prepared to marry her prince charming, literally, he
LOVES her
When Hailey swirls her hand above her head and asks "can we do that angels all around us thing" when she asks for bedtime prayer
Having girls that know how to make their beds on the top bunk themselves AND put their clean clothes away
A son who unloads the dishwasher and loves to run the vacuum
When Mallory wakes up before the rest of the girls and asks "can we cuddle for a minute, but don't got 'seep' mommy"
Standing beside my son as he raises his hands, yes both hands, to praise his God; I had me an ugly cry!
My shoot sac! Oh how I love thee
The fact that Todd came home after work one day with a gift, wrapped and all for me. It was my new D200! D200, oh how I love thee as well
Learning endless lessons at a very poorly lit fashion show for the Crossroads Crisis Pregnancy Center.
Feeling full and blessed after photographing the Walk-for-Life for the Crisis Pregnancy Center as well.
I love charity work
A good mocha for breakfast
Lunch daily with Mallory and Hailey
Walks to school to pick up Faith and Karli
Warm cups of cider
Cinnamon donuts
An e-mail from an old friend
A phone call from a close friend and preparing to go for a visit and photograph her and her son
Changing leaves
Crisp, cool, air
Evening fires
Twilight; I can't put it down
Extreme Home Makeover Edition who built a 4500 sq. ft. home for a mother of 4 who also took in her 10 nieces and nephews when her sister died! Awesome!
This I know I've mentioned before, but my head in Todd's lap while he runs his fingers through my hair
Snuggling in a warm bed, windows open, and a cool breeze blowing in
although, not good for the throat.

1 Corinthians 10:13
Temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.

I was tempted to ramble and complain about a particular circumstance that continues to occur daily at the twins preschool. I easily bite my tongue now after spending a few moments to reflect on all the good things in my life. The things I enjoy. The things that make me realize just how blessed I am.

Todd recently shared with me his disappointment for his lack of stardom on my blog recently. Explaining how "other woman boast about their husbands on their blogs all the time." I actually told him "well they are expressing thanksgiving and gratitude for all the things their husbands do to make them feel loved." Ouch, right! I soon realized, all though I'm too bull headed to have admitted my wrong and apologized yet, that Todd does all kinds of things on a regular basis to make me feel loved. He sacrifices things daily to accommodate me and express his affection toward me. So what's wrong with me then? I simply took them for granted and began to no longer notice.

So Todd, this is your post babe! The first of many cameos where I'll express my gratitude for the many selfless and loving things you do to let me know how much you love and adore me. Okay, I'm pouring it on a little thick, no. Seriously though. I love you. I'm grateful for you. I'm sorry for taking you and all the things you do for me for granted. xoxo!

Short and Sweet

2008-09-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

Can I just tell you all real quick, I'm feeling a bit melancholy. We're having our used costume sale at Polish dance for the next few weeks. We buy our pieces from Poland, very expensive, and so when our children grow out of things we swap them with other families. We make a bit of money back to go toward our new pieces that aren't available at the used costume sale and another family gets to save money at the same time. Great deal, great idea. I typically have nothing to offer because when one grows out of a piece, it just gets passed on to another child. Last year was the twins first dance recital and already they have grown out of jazz shoes and their first pair of rockn', black, patent leather, authentic, polish boots. My heart is broken! I'm done with them. I have no one left to save them for. My babies are closer to five then they are to four! It makes me want to spend the day reading to them on the couch, pushing them on the swing outside, and go for a walk. I better get it all in while they'll still let me!

Humble, Gentle, Meek, Lowly Part II

2008-09-23T07:37:00.000-07:00

How do we get it, do we already have it, how do we develop it?

Well, we do already have it.

Galatians 5:22-23
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.

If you are born again and have received also the Holy Spirit then you are already filled with the fruit of the spirit. How? Well we see above the bible says the Spirit is. Just like God is love. The Holy Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. So if the Spirit is all those things and the Spirit lives within us then the fruit of the Spirit also lives within us. It is a seed that needs to be developed.

For instance, you take a picture with a camera of Susie across the room. You have a picture of Susie but others can't see it because it hasn't been developed. You have the fruit of the Spirit within you as a seed that needs to be developed, worked like a muscle, practiced.

How do we develop it?

God puts circumstances in our lives where each of this gifts has the opportunity to be practiced. Our personalities are tested and we reveal the size of that seed in our hearts. While talking in the kitchen with my mother-in-law this weekend I caught myself interrupting her on more than one occasion to share my thought. I clearly remember asking myself as I began to talk over her why I was doing it. How rude! Yet, I did it anyway. That was the Holy Spirit inviting me to exercise patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, and love instead of pride because I obviously thought what I had to say was more important that what she was saying. So mom, if your reading this, sorry for being so rude!

Humility, meekness, and lowliness are all bi-products of each other. Having an awareness of our own faults and defects. Not thinking poorly of ourselves but not too highly either. Without pride.

A common dictionary definition of meekness is "a deficiency of spirit." However Galatians 5:22 refers to meekness as a fruit of the Spirit. When true meekness is produced by the Spirit of God, it is a valuable virtue. Yet the world tends to misperceive it as cowardice, timidity, or a lack of strength. That's not how the Bible defines meekness. It means "to be gentle-hearted." A meek person is the opposite of someone who is vindictive or who harbors bitterness and resentment toward others. Meekness is characteristic of one who is opposed to vengeance or violence. It is a quiet, willing submission to God and to others. A meek person has a mild, gentle, non-retaliating spirit. (John McAurthor)

Not telling off a person when we could is meekness. It is power under control. Anger is not absent from a person who is meek. We still experience anger, but we control our anger.

Take a week or a month even and write down all the silly, worthless, meaningless, offenses that occur in your day to day life. Write down the offense, why you were offended, and your reaction to it. You will quickly see within 24 hours the number times per day your character is tested. You will quickly learn whether you walk in the fruit of the spirit or if you live to seek revenge, in anger, and contempt. You will also be more keen to the still small voice of the spirit that guides your heart, thoughts, and conscience.

In closing...Ephesians 3:16 NIV
I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.

Look it up and keep reading, it gets even better!

I just want to share a funny story with you. This morning from my room I could hear Tyler wincing like he was doing something that hurt. Because Tyler is being raised with a ton of woman and girls he tends to notice things that would ordinarily never be discovered by a typical thirteen-year-old. I went into the bathroom where I found his face in the mirror (not all that uncommon) holding masking tape. I often tease him about the "dirt" on his upper lip, he is coming of age you know. Tyler covets the minor hair that exists on his upper lip but apparently, not so much, the hair that began to grow between his eye brows. Yes people, he was attempting to use masking tape to rip the hair out of his face from between his eyebrows to get rid of what Tyler refers to as, "the uni brow." What is a mom to do? Well, I did the only thing that occurred to me. I pulled out my good ole' Sally Hansen wax tape and ripped the hair from his face the proper way. He went to school this morning with a bright red spot between his eyes where there used to be hair and to top things off, it was a bit shiny because I had gobbed on the oil that comes with the kit to relieve and cool the area. So no, Faith, who is ten and has hair on her legs like an amazon cannot shave but yes, Tyler who is thirteen can wax his uni brow. Go figure!

Humble, Gentle, Meek, Lowly Part I

2008-09-23T07:01:00.001-07:00

I am so excited this morning. I just got a full revelation of why certain things have happened in my life the way they have. I have seasons where I just want to go home. For those of you who have followed my blog for a while know that we have recently (4 months ago) moved into my parent's house because our home was foreclosed on. The house is just a house, it's just four walls. I don't miss the stature that I thought came with owning that house. I miss the feeling of "being home." Most days I am perfectly fine, either because I bury it, but more likely, because God's grace is sufficient and I'm learning to be content no matter the situation.

God started to deal with me on some things which were portrayed in my blog yesterday and they came full circle in my life this morning. God is an awesome God! I love it when I begin to get stirred up about something and he then sends a full blown confirmation with scripture to back it up. I often times watch Joyce Meyer as part of my study time to keep a fresh look at God's word. He uses her messages to speak to me, always. Again, if you follow my blog, this is not news. He used her again this morning to speak directly to my heart and directly to my situation.

I mentioned yesterday that I was willing to endure trials in my life to bring glory to God and benefit others. Today, I learned why we need to live through times of brokenness.

If we have too many blessings we become haughty, full of ourselves, think we can do it on our own, that we're better than others, and in doing so we treat people poorly and devalue them. Been there, done that, bought the book. Anyone else?

We need a balance of blessings and trials. That is why Paul was so full of faith in all circumstances, he learned to do both because he knew he needed both. That is why Paul was able to be content in every situation.

The alabaster box must be broken in order to smell the sweet perfume.

Matthew 26:26 NIV
As they were eating, Jesus took some bread and blessed it. Then he broke it in pieces and gave it to the disciples, saying, "take this and eat it, for this is my body."

One of the most famous scriptures. There is a revelation that Joyce taught in her message this morning. A message within the message. Jesus wants to bless us and he wants to give us to the world. But, in the middle, parts of us must be broken. Not destroyed but areas need to be broken off.

It says in the bible that Jesus told Peter that satan wanted to "sift" him. Satan wants to sift us all. He wants to distract us, break our faith, get us out of church, and keep us busy. But, Jesus told Peter "I pray that your faith will not be broken." Jesus was telling Peter I pray for you, I want to bless you, but there is a trial ahead and I won't stop it but I pray you make it through. When we endure a trial or an attack, we come out changed so we can then help others.

We are more patient, we no longer feel full of pride and better than anyone else but are humble. In order to be used by God people need to like us. In order for people to like our personalities, we need a God-like personality, we need to be humble, gentle, meek, and lowly.

Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
Then Jesus said, "come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

Jesus is saying anyone can come to me and I'll make you feel better. Don't we want people to think that of us?

Humility, gentleness, meekness, and lowliness are all fruits of the spirit. How do we get it, do we already have it, how do we develop it? Learn, later this week.

Without fault in His eyes

2008-09-22T07:31:00.000-07:00

My Pastor at church has spent the recent weeks teaching us about the seasons of Faith. There are different levels of faith and different tests call for a different kind of faith. One of the verses covered yesterday truly spoke to me.

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

It has been my motto, so to speak, in life to never have regrets. I am who I am today because of the decisions I have made in life. The right decisions and the wrong decisions. I am who I am today because of the things that life has thrown at me. I make it a point to intentionally try to forgo feeling ashamed of my mistakes, ashamed of my trials. Whether I am in the midst of a storm because of a series of mistakes I made or because life just happens sometimes, I take the same approach and have the same attitude. I am an open book. If I must endure this time of my life to benefit another person later on, then so be it. If I need to suffer through some things, that suffering is a small part compared to the glory that is given to God in order to support another person through the same or similar situation.

I have spoken previously about a miscarriage I had before my twins were born. Not long after my miscarriage, a very close friend of mine also suffered a miscarriage. I was the first person she called when she got the news. We cried together and I just loved her. I was grateful to have gone through the miscarriage first so I would know what to say and how to attempt to comfort her. My suffering and trials don't compare to what my experience can offer another person. The support, love, compassion, and understanding that can be lent to another person in the midst of their own struggle.

My blog didn't start with that purpose but that is the direction my blog has taken. When I feel led to share a story or an experience in my life through this blog. I am happy to. I trust that my words are guided and those in the midst of struggle can read what God has done in my life and find hope. We are here to serve God and further his kingdom. What can you do today to bless someone? If you know Jesus today and he dwells in your heart, share His good news with a friend or co-worker today.

I can live a life free of shame and condemnation because the bible promises that if I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior and repent, turn from my old wicked ways then I am forgiven. I am saved. My sins are as far as as the east is from the west. They no longer exist.

Ephesians 2:4 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.

That is a powerful verse. If Jesus sees no fault in us after we have repented then why do we both to carry our heads low and relive our mistakes over and over and over again. So if you are feeling condemned today. Simply as for forgiveness, repent, just say, "I made a mistake." That's all you have to do. Then Jesus will wash his hands of it and it's gone. You are forgiven, now forgive yourself, and let go of the shame.

I will leave you with this...Ephesians 2:2 May the God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace.

Lana - you are truly and deeply missed as much today as the day we learned you are now with Jesus. Sto Lat princess, Sto Lat! Today we don't cry because we miss you, we celebrate your life and the motto you carried with you; seize life.

Where the heck is your blog, lady?

2008-09-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I am human and must humbly admit the imbalance in my life. There were signs and a slow build-up of a disconnect, still, I just got smacked in the face with it because I refused to adhere to the warning signs. I guess I have always been one to not take the advice of others and have always been more of a hands-on, do it and learn for myself kind of person. Let me just say, at the first hint of God's voice, be obedient!

I placed too much emphasis and priority in catering to my clients that my portfolio became more important than my family and even superseded my devotional time. My family would have been the first to notice the change. I've been cranky and tired and impatient and irritable. I started to notice my own irritability and soon weakness followed. I am nothing and useless without first seeking Christ. I need his refreshing daily to keep me full and strong in every area of life.

I continued along this path for two weeks now ignoring everything around me. I even got boastful enough to think how cool it was that I didn't catch any of the colds from my lil' kiddos. Too much of anything isn't a good thing and we (Todd and I) had too much freedom and fun last weekend. So my week started with a bladder infection which is now a full blown kidney infection complete with nausea, vomiting, chills, a sore back, oh and the insatiable need to pee. I apologize for the graphic nature of all that. I'm ticked at myself. I know better.

That explains the fewer posts over the last couple of weeks. I won't be taking anymore evening appointments and will only photograph on Saturday. The number of sessions I take per week will be limited. My family needs me, they depend on me so I need to have time for them. More importantly, I need to be my best for them and my clients and I need time with the Lord first in order to be my best.

I've been struggling with a few personal relationships lately and how to handle each situation. My study time today was pretty clear, consistent, and to the point.

"You will never be called upon to give anyone more grace than God has already given you." Max Lucado Whoa! That got my attention. I don't really feel the need to follow that up with an explanation or background. It speaks pretty well all by itself. Judge and you shall be judged. Walk in love. Forgive.

Matthew 7:4-5
How can you think of saying "let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye" when you can't see past the log in your own eye. Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.

I am not perfect. If I'm going to spend some time sharpening my critical skills, I should begin with myself and ensure I am free of faults before I concern myself with other people's faults. That should keep me busy for oh, a lifetime.

I'm off to get my munchkins from preschool. I'm hoping to have a restful afternoon and lots of cuddles before I have to run to our evening commitments.

Walking in love,
Kari

I'm going to call this one, count it it all joy Friday!

2008-09-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

We have pretty quickly settled into a routine. Faith even sleeps past 6:00 a.m. of late. Mallory and Hailey are pleased as punch to go to school everyday. They have Friday's off and just hate that they couldn't go to school this morning.

Boy, I did forget what morning time was like from the last school season. Every girl in the house has a turn with the tears, if I'm lucky. Most mornings they each just take turns all morning. It's really ridiculous actually. I can't tell you how many times Tyler's shower has been interrupted by his sisters potty runs first thing in the morning. It's not fun in the moment each morning but I laugh about it later on each day. Most people wouldn't survive a single morning in this house. My mom does a lot of road work for her job and it allows her to work at home. She's been gone by 6:00 a.m. most mornings lately; I wonder why?

My twins and I walk up to get Faith and Karli from school each afternoon and leave Tyler to his tinkering in the backyard with Grandpa. Most days Faith and Karli come running out with a new friend for me to meet. "Mom this is so-and-so, so-and-so, this is my mom." "Hi, so-and-so, nice to meet you." Which is always immediately followed by "will you be my friend?" and "will you be my friend too?" from the peanut gallery which is Mallory and Hailey. I wonder if Faith and Karli's friends realize that when you become friends with one of them, it's a four-for-one deal? Ah, it's so much fun though.

Polish dance started again last night with tons of new students. We have 26 kids in the first group alone which is all pre-school and kindergartners! Sounds fun, no? Our Director was the Artistic Director at the school we all left and has been doing double duty for the past three years. Running a new dance school, which is now the largest PRCUA dance group in the nation, and coordinating and creating new costumes in too big a job for one person. This is the first year she has taken on two costume assistants, yours truly and another wonderful lady. It's going to be a big job but I'm really excited about it. I'm looking forward to helping the new moms with the wealth of costume information they will be bombarded with in the coming weeks. I'm very proud of the time and effort I put into my children's costumes. They each own their own regional costume from the region of Krakow in Poland made of authentic polish pieces from Poland. I'm very proud of it. I just want to pass on a bit of that pride and assist the other moms. I'm looking forward to getting to know them and their children and mingling a bit more. Not my forte'. Not because I don't like people but believe it or not, I'm painfully shy! It's hideous really and I despise it.

I just feel really good about so many things. Todd and I are on a financial plan to get us to the end of this chapter so we can start a new one. All the kids are transitioning very well and socializing and making friends. Tyler has made more friends in two weeks then he did in four years at the old school. I'm so relieved and proud of him for conquering his fear. He's even beginning a bit of girl chatter. Oh no! Quick change of gears: his health teacher did a survey and wanted to know how many kids are allowed to go to the movies with friends. Tyler was the only one that didn't raise his hand. Sorry, I don't find it ridiculous to tell your children "no" sometimes for their protection. I want to ensure he is equipped enough to resist temptation to make a mistake when the temptation comes and I'm not convinced he's there yet. So for now, no movies! Besides, he wouldn't be allowed to watch any of the movies his gentleman friends would want to see. He is 13 but we don't necessarily allow him to watch all PG 13 movies. Guard your heart, eyes, and ears. Garbage in, garbage out. My husband's favorite words!

This seems to be sort of a jumble of things and I'm all over the map but I'm just full of joy and excited about all the good things happening and the many things I have to be thankful for. May His blessing continue to be upon us and more importantly upon you!

I'm going to leave you with a verse I read this morning over at Consider It All Joy by Cindy that just exudes from my soul this morning.

Psalm 100
Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations."

September 11

2008-09-11T06:06:00.000-07:00

It's September 11th. I want to make mention and keep in prayer those who lost loved ones on that horrible day. I will always remember exactly where I was. Todd called me at home to let me know about the first plane that crashed into the first tower. I never watch the news. It isn't a rule or anything. I just don't watch it. There are some things in the news that are unavoidable because they are so huge. For instance, I live about 45 min. outside of Detroit so Kwame comes up a lot. Need I say more? Anyway, I sat on my coffee table, indian-style, in front of the TV and was just utterly shocked at what I saw. Moments into watching and listening to the reporters frantically try to decipher what happened, I literally watched the second plane crash on the TV at the very moment it occurred. A feeling of utter panic and disbelief washed over every portion of my body. This was obviously not some fluke accident but something terrible was happening. It wasn't long before my neighbor came to the door. Tyler and her daughter went to school together. We stood in the door and cried together. For the people that were already lost. And, because we had no idea what was to come. We walked up to the school together and pulled our kids out. My TV remained off for the rest of the day. I didn't want my children to be exposed to that kind of scenery, panic, and terror. To this day, they have only seen glimpses of what happened in New York that day.

Two people come to mind when I think of September 11th. My grandmother and Jodie Metz. We lost my grandma to a battle with cancer on September 11th but prior to 2001. I lost Jodie five days before her sixteenth birthday. She was at a youth camp in Colorado and just collapsed and died suddenly. Both were beautiful, faithful woman who knew and loved the Lord. I'm certain they were in heaven on September 11, 2001 waiting to receive the lost.

It all still seems so fresh and so painful. I didn't lose a loved one that day. But, that doesn't make the events any less senseless. We live in a tough world today but God is in control. That doesn't mean he approves of the senseless acts that people perform. It just means he has a plan. Oddly enough, although he hates their sin, he still loves the man who commits the sin. Whether we got caught up in a gossip triangle, robbed a bank, or blew up the bank, he still loves us all the same. Sin is black and white to God. It's all measured the same. His forgiveness is equal. He is no respector of persons. He is a gentleman. He is love. So regardless as to who becomes President, or what natural disaster occurs. It will all end the same. Jesus will return for those who love him; for his bride. He will offer a last chance to those who have denied him and I pray harder than I've ever prayed for anything that if you don't yet know Jesus, you get to know him, fast! We don't know the day or the hour but if you look at the world around us, we have to assume it won't be long.

If you have not been born again and this is your first visit to my blog you may think I've fallen off the loony truck. My own friends and family will tend to agree with you. I'm not loony, I promise. My life has been revolutionized by my faith, my relationship with Jesus, and the blessings he continues to poor upon me. I used to be stuck in a dark and depressing place and felt captive there. My mind has been renewed and every bit of me is filled with peace and joy. Did I earn it, no. No one can earn what he has to offer. Do I deserve it. No, we are human, created with a sin nature, not one of us is perfect and not one of us deserves what Jesus has done for us. But, I do have a revelation of his love and forgiveness in my life. I whole heatedly receive them both. From it, I've gained healing, physical, emotional, and spiritual healing which brought self love. Now I love my friends and family more freely and more deeply.

Who knew that one of the world's smallest books would become the greatest source of encouragement for me. Yes, I have to take you back, yet again, to the His Princess Love Letters from Your King book by Sheri Rose Shepherd. I have this book for my girls also. I highly recommend it for young girls! There is no better time to build their self esteem and no better way then for them to have a revelation of God's love for them at a young age.

My Princess...
Fill Your Home With Peace

I know how hard it is for you to feel content in your home when you're always wanting one more thing to make it the perfect place. I long to give you beautiful things that turn a house into a haven of a home, but, My princess, you must first learn to let Me build in you a place of peace and contentment. Do your best to rest in Me and wait for Me, and then I will give you what I know will benefit you the most. I want you to make your home a place that builds relationships and reflect who you are in Me. Remember that your loved ones need you more than any material thing. So decorate your home with joy, fill it with timeless memories, and create a safe place to grow up in Me.

Love,
Your King and your Resting Place

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled. John 14:27 NIV

In closing I want to mention all the wonderful men and woman who serve in our military. We may not all agree with the war. We may not all agree with its continuance. We may not all agree as to why the war even began. We may not all approve of the Commander in Chief. But, I'm certain we all agree we want every single person who has volunteered their lives for this country. Those who are still with us and those who we have lost. Whether they sit behind a desk or serve on the front line. They have each stood up and offered their lives for our protection and freedoms. Thank you especially to my little brother Murray who serves in the United States Marine Corp. He is currently stationed wayyyy too far away in Okinawa. He is the epitome of a Marine and I am so proud of him! I am equally proud of my sister-in-law Lisa who has to be separated from her family and remains committed and in love with my brother through it all. You are stronger than you know! I love and miss you guys!

Sorry, just had to whip out my feathers like a peacock real quick and show of my pride for this country and the men and women who serve for us.

This week's recap

2008-09-05T07:55:00.001-07:00

This week has been very different for me. Many days with two solid hours of total peace and quiet. All my children were away at school. My youngest ones in the care of a perfect stranger. They have each had a great week. As I suspected, they are each very well rounded, well adjusted, confident, and independent.

Tyler is entering 8th grade in a new school. His final year of middle school and Monday night, the day before school, brought much anxiety for him. Tyler was pretty emotional, nervous, and actually down-right petrified. My husband quickly put us in a circle, joined hands, and he led us in a prayer over each of our children. Thanking God for his angels that work overtime to protect them and for His peace that surrounds us as we each transition into new journeys. We then surrounded Tyler and all laid hands on him. Todd asked that each of us pray individually over Tyler. We've never asked this of the kids and it was so awesome to hear from their hearts and good wishes for their big brother. They each loved it so much, they all had to have a turn having hands laid on them. Faith followed it up with a new scripture she learned in children's church.

I have been a shy person by nature my entire life. When I first started doing sessions outside of friends and family I would make myself sick the solid 24 hours before the session. So I told Tyler to do what always settles me. Say "thank you Jesus for filling me with your peace that surpasses all understanding, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." By the time I get to my session, I'm ready to go.

After I embarrassed Tyler pretty sufficiently at the bus stop that morning he did find himself throughout the day quoting the scripture he'd been armed with. I'm so proud of him!

What did I do to embarrass him? What any good mother would have done of course. I saw a young man/teenager approaching the bus stop with is iPod in his ears. I asked him what grade he was in. "8th grade" he replied. So I told him Tyler was also in 8th grade, "we just moved here this summer, and would you mind hanging out with him today." "Maybe sit with him on the bus and lunch time, that sort of thing." Tyler looked at me like 'oh my goodness mother, what is WRONG with you!' Well the nice young man introduced himself, the two shook hands, and before I left I ruffled his hair and kissed him on the cheek. He he! Tyler politely asked me when he got home from school that day to "NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!" I can't make any promises but I'll try. It was all a secret ploy to embarrass him on purpose so the two could relate to each other and have something to talk about. Guess what, it worked! They shared a seat on the bus and talked about how horribly embarrassing their mothers are!

Now if I can get Faith to sleep past 6:00 a.m. and quit waking the rest of the girls, we'll be in good shape.

Vacation Photos

2008-09-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

First Day of School

2008-09-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

All the kiddos headed back to school this morning with a smoother transition than I expected. We had a slight hiccup with Tyler last night. He was, as expected, feeling very nervous and overwhelmed. We covered him in prayer, gave him a couple of scriptures to hold onto, and sent him on his way. He spent a good portion of his first day waiting in the cafeteria for his school schedule but all else proved to be a very good day for him.

Faith and Karli had a competition with how many new friends they made. Mallory and Hailey just had a bit of an orientation tomorrow so their first official day is tomorrow. Prayer is a powerful thing, God guides our days, and covered us all in peace. While all the munchkins are gone tomorrow, I'm making brownies!

I of course have to share the first day photos...

Sometimes you wanna go...

2008-08-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

Where everybody knows your name. I've spent two days at two new schools trying to get my children registered. The stuff required to get them registered is ridiculous and leaves you feeling like you'll never move again just to forgo this process. After visiting two new locations where I've never seen the interior walls or met the people who occupy the space I learned I wasn't quite prepared with all my documents. And, they were all strangers. Strangers to me and strangers to my children.

I needed copies of their last report cards from the old school and immunization records for all of them. Instead of digging through boxes and visiting old doctors I decided to pick up the copies in their personal files at the old school. In both schools I was greeted by familiar faces who were surprised and happy to see us and even offered a "well hello Mrs. Dawson." Sometimes you just wanna go where everybody knows your name. It was nice to see familiar faces but only reminded me of the families at Ottawa I will miss this year.

As the kids head off to school next week it will be a most bitter and not so much sweet experience. Normally I'm ready for them to head back and get my schedule back but I know I'll miss them.

I can remember when all three of them started at their last school. Tyler was a big ole' fourth grader, Faith was a first grader, and Karli was a brand new kindergartner. The kids were supposed to ride the bus to school but given it was the first day in a new school and none of them had ever ridden the bus to school before I decided to drive them. With a double stroller of 7-month-old twins being pushed ahead of me, we approached the lines outside the new school. I quickly learned that the "big" kids lined up on one side of the building while the rest of the munchkins lined up at the other end. I had to leave poor Tyler who didn't know anyone in line by himself while I waited in line with Faith and Karli. I promised to check on him.

I got Faith situated in class in about two seconds. She is very social and friendly and looked at this new school as a means of making 30-60 new friends! Yeah, she is always that easy. I got Karli outside her classroom but wouldn't fit inside with the hustle and bustle of new kindergartners and their parents so I waited outside. When I finally had an opportunity to check on her, she was fine. Until she saw me and busted into tears. I got her settled and participating in class and headed across the school to peak in on Tyler as promised. I could hear the teacher's voice from in the hall and I found him sitting in the front row. He caught me out of the corner of his eye but wouldn't look directly at me and just as soon as he saw me, he little chin began to quiver. That was one of the most broken-hearted moments of my life. Ms. Abney is a fantastic teacher, spotted him right away, and quickly pulled him out of it. So I blew him a kiss and went on my home with only my two babies and cried for at least an hour.

It's a natural process in life and a wonderful thing to watch our children advance through ages and stages. I can always empathize with their nerves and fears and it just breaks my heart. So this year I will be amazed at their strength as they enter a new school but sad for them because they are trembling inside. The first day will be the hardest and each day will get easier from there.

It seems as though new places and experiences for my children often bring new places and experiences to me as well and right in the middle of a bit milestone. In the last school Karli was entering kindergarten. This new year Mallory and Hailey, my babies, are entering preschool! It means a solid block of time so I can work, but I hope it goes quickly because I will miss them so much.

Back in town

2008-08-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

We've safely returned from our trip to the upper west side of Michigan. We had a very busy five days and a very busy week ahead. I'll share more of my vacation and some photos later this week. In the meantime, I've got a monster to do list!

getting kids registered for school
registering Mallory and Hailey for preschool (yikes)
I'm going to miss them all and they start next week!
As they banter behind me, maybe I won't miss them.
I'll miss them, just not the bantering!
I have three sessions to edit and new appointments this week and next
tons of laundry to tackle
a house to clean
clothes to buy for school
supplies to buy for school
three closets to go through to clear out the items that no longer fit (not fun!)

It's busy around here but a good busy. We're still blessed. Our needs are still met.

Updates

2008-08-19T06:01:00.001-07:00

My stress related acne problem - turns out it likely was the lovely make up I pick up at the local drugstore. I switched, my face cleared up in a week, and I no longer look like I have some kind of disease. Yeah!

The married couple in my defining moment posts - I'm happy to report they decided to make it and forgo the break it part all together. The countenance of them both when your in their presence is 1,000 fold improved. I didn't share the couples names or the situation that occurred and won't. I will say it's a doosey but despite what happened they both seem relieved to have it over with and they are ready to move on. Like good ole' Dave Ramsey says "there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't an oncoming train." I'm thrilled for them and thank God daily for the miracles he is performing in their marriage.

I can't explain the heavy burden I experience when I see a couple struggling. My marriage is certainly not perfect, no marriage is, but I think mine is pretty close to how it was intended to be. Our love is pure, sweet, honest, compromising, committed, and most importantly eternal. It breaks my heart to see other couples suffering and not experience all that God intended their marriage to be. Still I pray and remain hopeful because I am fully aware of the places God has raised us up from.

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven.

I'm preparing for a week in Northern Michigan with my hubby, kids, and my parent's too. We're camping at a Yogi Bear campground which is sure to have lots of fun things for the kids to do. We're planning a trip to the Sand Dunes and the amusement Michigan Adventure. This amusement park is really family oriented and my children have never been to a park like this. I love amusement parks, roller coasters, and carnivals. I may be more excited about going than the kids are. I can't wait to ride the rides with them, hang out at the water park, and watch their faces light up with each new experience. I think I'm so excited because this is indicative of a typical family vacation from my childhood. I get to pass it on to my own children, share it with my husband, and to top it off, my parent's will be with us to share it all too. I'm so thankful to have a solid bond with my parent's, that we are able to share times like these, that they are both still with us, and it's a loving and fulfilling relationship.

Upon our return I get to put the finishing touches on a big 50th birthday party we're having for my mom! Followed by, lots of editing from the sessions I've recently had. Kevin and Jenn, it was a pleasure to photograph your family and little guy. Kelly and Krissi, you are both gorgeous and glowy, congrats Krissi! Meghan, Nancy, Amanda, and Teri, it was an absolute pleasure to meet you all and I can't wait to share your images with you.

It will be a week before I return so I can take full advantage of every drop of family time and vacation. Have a wonderful and blessed week!

Patty, Sto Lat!!

Feel Good Friday

2008-08-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

I wrote this mid-week and intended to post it earlier but it felt a little more like "Feel Good Friday" and though it wasn't intentional that is why it lands. I love lists. My world revolves around not just one list but many lists. I have a list for what I need to do for my business, another list of things that need to be done around the house, a list of items I'd like to soon pick up, a list of errands that need to be ran, and a list that never has much get crossed off it which consists of things like making a scrapbook of the Murder Mystery party we had. I love making the list and one the greatest and simplest pleasures in life for me is to cross an item off of my list. So I spent the week feeling like I was blasting through many of items on my many lists and it feels good to get things done. So what better way to display the things I'm feeling good about then, well, a list!

-having laundry done on Tuesday instead of Friday
-a clean bathroom, or it was at least on Tuesday
-a teenage boy's room where you can see the floor, like spotless, organized, clean, it's a wonderful thing
-editing a session in two days
-getting to know Lightroom so it can revolutionize my life, I mean, workflow
-opportunities to rekindle old friendships. It was great seeing you Beth and Gina!
-sharing the wedding day of a dear friend, the moment she walked down the aisle, the first time she introduced herself as Mrs. Girgenti, their first moments as husband and wife, and having a blast of a time at a reception filled with old friends and acquaintances
-spending most of the evening chatting it up with an old friend who is also a photographer, priceless, and so grateful she is willing to share everything she knows, thank you Beth Merritt!
-finding time for a few of those items on my "other" to do list
-creating the dress rehearsal bouquet and even a headpiece for Patty's wedding
-crossing off items on the to do list, editing sessions, and still having family time is a wonderfully fulfilling balance
-snuggles with a toddler that doesn't feel very well, I don't like that she doesn't feel well, but I'm grateful to be here to hold her
-looking forward to a full weekend of appointments
-even more to a date night with Todd, dinner, a ball game, and drinks at the casino, yum!

Karli loved the dress rehearsal bouquet and headpiece I made using all the ribbons from Patty's wedding shower and modeled them for me along with the headpiece. It's super cheesy but that's the point, no?

Praying you ALL having something to feel good and thankful about!

Pray First-Aim High-Be Still

2008-08-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

Here is another great e-mail I got from my hubby today. Why forward on an e-mail? Well, this blessed me today as I prepare for upcoming posts which will contain stories from my life that all contribute to my testimony as a whole. The past is in the past and if we know Jesus we are blessed, forgiven, and free from shame. I may have to study and read up a bit on shame before I move on to some things I feel led to share. Shame and Judgement may just be my next topics. I don't think it's shame as much for me as much as it is fear of being judged. The only judgement I should fear or be concerned with is that of the Father and he has already forgiven me. So, I should just get over myself already.

This also helped reaffirm for me today just where I should be looking. Todd and I have a large task ahead as we rebuild our financial foundation and this served as a great reminder to keep my eyes on Him, my goals high, and wait upon the Lord, and be still. Must we live in such an immediate gratification society? Ugh, patience in the past has not been my strong-suit.

----------------------------

Matthew 19:26 With God all things are possible

There once was a man who had nothing for his family to eat. He had an old rifle and three bullets. So, he decided that he would go out hunting and kill some wild game for dinner.
As he went down the road, he saw a rabbit. He shot at the rabbit and missed it. The rabbit ran away.

Then he saw a squirrel and fired a shot at the squirrel but missed it. The squirrel disappeared in to a hole in a cottonwood tree.

As he went further, he saw a large wild 'Tom' turkey in the tree, but he had only one bullet remaining.

A voice spoke to him and said, "Pray first, aim high, and stay focused." However, at the same time, he saw a deer which was a better kill. He brought the gun down and aimed at the deer. But, then he saw a rattlesnake between his legs about to bite him, so he naturally brought the gun down further to shoot the rattlesnake.

Still, the voice said again to him, 'I said, "Pray, aim high, and Stay focused." So, the man decided to listen to God's voice. He prayed, then aimed the gun high up in the tree, and shot the wild turkey.

The bullet bounced off the turkey and killed the deer.The handle fell off the gun, hit the snake in the head, and killed it. And, when the gun had gone off, it knocked him into a pond. When he stood up to look around, he had fish in all his pockets, a dead deer, and a turkey for his family to eat. The snake (Satan) was dead simply because the man listened to God

Moral of the story: Pray first before you do anything, aim and shoot high in your goals, and stay focused on God. Never let others discourage you concerning your past. The past is exactly that, 'the past.' Live every day one day at a time, and remember that only God knows our future, and that He will not put you through any more than you can bear. Do not look to man for your blessings, but look to the doors that only He has prepared in advance for you in your favor. Wait, be still, and patient: keep God first, and everything else will follow. Don't worry about tomorrow, God is already there!!!

Be Still

2008-08-12T10:26:00.000-07:00

I received the passage below in an e-mail forwarded to me from a friend. It just had to share it because it articulates so elegantly what I have tried to say countless times...

Learning To Be Still
Bishop E. Earl Jenkins
"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 Former CBS anchor, Dan Rather, found himself unprepared for a television interview with Mother Teresa. Ron Mehl described the encounter this way: "All of Dan's standard approaches were inadequate. And the little nun from Calcutta didn't seem inclined to make his task easier. "When you pray," asked Dan, "what do you say to God?" "I don't say anything," she replied. "I listen." Dan tried another tack. "Well, okay...when God speaks to you, then, what does He say?" "He doesn't say anything. He listens." Dan looked bewildered. For an instant, he didn't know what to say. "And if you don't understand that," Mother Teresa added, "I can't explain it to you." It's in the place of silence that the Holy Spirit boils the truth we receive from Scripture down to its essence, reveals specific insights that are pertinent, and then applies them to our most perplexing problems and our most stubborn misconceptions. As He transforms our heart to beat in sync with His, our decisions begin to accomplish His will and we begin to reflect His character. Go ahead, try it. Open the Word of God in a peaceful place and sit in quietness before Him. In time, the Holy Spirit will illuminate a passage and it will come to life in your mind. Before you know it the knotty situation that drove you to distraction will unravel. As you learn to "be still" in God's presence, your greatest problems will suddenly become more manageable. He will reveal Himself to you. He will calm your emotions and relieve your mind. You'll discover new direction, freedom from worry, and a fresh sense of peace.

This passage is from the Streaming Faith Daily Devotional, click here if you would like to subscribe to receive updates like the one above.

Surrender

2008-08-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

It has been the motto of my adult life "never have regrets." Although I'm not even sure I'm an adult yet. Living a life without regret does not mean it goes without shame. I'm not sure yet just how much of myself, of our story I will truly reveal. Shame is certainly an emotion beneath a lot of my life's events. I think about my life, my writing, my book, and I write everything down. I have no idea what I'll feel led to use in the end. I have always loved to write but never dreamed of becoming a published writer, until recently. I knew I enjoyed it but didn't know it was a blessing to others. Writing has always come easy to me. My brain always running much faster than my fingers can write or type. I don't know that I will ever become an accomplished writer, receive any awards, or even get published. But, if I can change lives and help people then so be it, I'll write. I'll share my story, my history, how I got to this place, how I grew to the person I am today, and my future. I want to be true and honest and use my life to encourage and help others. I wonder what God will do with my experiences, my notes, my life and these thoughts thrown together into what is called a blog. I wonder even more how it will feel to return in years to come and read it from the beginning.

You can't know me and know my story without knowing how Todd and I were raised. How we met. What brought us together and what keeps us together. You can't know the person I am today without knowing the mistakes I made, the lessons I learned, and how God brought me through every trial. You can't know me without knowing the importance of family to me and how proud I am of my brothers and their families. You can't understand the person I am today without knowing how I treated others when I was young. Life has brought many things along my narrow path, some self-inflicted, some were uncontrollable circumstances beyond my control. Either way, you grow just as much because in the end all we have left to do is release it, humble ourselves, realize we are not in control, and give control to the one who IS. Surrender.

Romans 12:2 NIV
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.